- Achy, Breaky Tell-Tale Heart
- Nightmare on Rural Route One, Up Past That There Silo
- Ah Seen What Y’all Done Last Summer
- The Creature From Clint Black’s Spittoon
- Don’t Tell Me You Love Me if You’re Gnawing Off My Leg
- Night of the Homosekshual, BMW-Drivin’, Neiman Marcus Suit-Wearin’ Zombies
- Jurassic Trailer Park
- Something Twangy This Way Comes
- Psychoklahoma
- The Hounddog of the Baskervilles
- All My Axes are in My Exes
- Throw Momma from Shania Twain
- The Expectorist
- She Broke My Heart and Then She Ate It
Tag Archives: movies
Computers and Electronics as Depicted in the Movies
- You never have to use the space-bar when typing long sentences.
- All monitors display inch-high letters.
- High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA, or some such governmental institution, will have easy to understand graphical interfaces. Those that don’t, have incredibly powerful text-bases command shells that can correctly understand and execute commands typed in plain English.
- Corollary: you can gain access to any information you want by simply typing “ACCESS ALL OF THE SECRET FILES” on any keyboard.
- Likewise, you can infect a computer with a destructive virus by simply typing “UPLOAD VIRUS” (see “Fortress”).
- All computers are connected. You can access the information on the villain’s desktop computer, even if it’s turned off.
- Powerful computers beep whenever you press a key or whenever the screen changes. Some computers also slow down the output on the screen so that it doesn’t go faster than you can read. The *really* advanced ones also emulate the sound of a dot-matrix printer.
- All computer panels have thousands of volts and flash pots just underneath the surface. Malfunctions are indicated by a bright flash, a puff of smoke, a shower of sparks, and an explosion that forces you backwards.
- People typing away on a computer will turn it off without saving the data.
- A hacker can get into the most sensitive computer in the world before intermission and guess the secret password in two tries.
- Any PERMISSION DENIED has an OVERRIDE function (see “Demolition Man” and countless others).
- Complex calculations and loading of huge amounts of data will be accomplished in under three seconds. Movie modems usually appear to transmit data at the speed of two gigabytes per second.
- When the power plant/missile site/whatever overheats, all the control panels will explode, as will the entire building.
- If a disk has got encrypted files, you are automatically asked for a password when you try to access it.
- No matter what kind of computer disk it is, it’ll be readable by any system you put it into. All application software is usable by all computer platforms The more high-tech the equipment, the more buttons it has (Aliens). However, everyone must have been highly trained, because the buttons aren’t labeled.
- Most computers, no matter how small, have reality-defying three-dimensional, active animation, photo-realistic graphics capability.
- Laptops, for some strange reason, always seem to have amazing real-time video phone capabilities and the performance of a CRAY Supercomputer.
- Whenever a character looks at a VDU, the image is so bright that it projects itself onto his/her face (see “Alien”, “2001”).
All I Need to Know About Life I Learned by Watching the Rocky Horror Picture Show
- Don’t dream it, be it.
- In just seven days (and seven nights), I can make you a man.
- Castles don’t have phones, so if you go driving on a rainy night, take a cellular phone.
- And check the spare tire before you go.
- You can remove the cause, but not the symptom.
- Don’t get strung out by the way I look – I’m a wild and an untamed thing.
- It’s not easy having a good time, but it is easy to smear your makeup.
- I’m a muscle fan, you’d better wise up, build your thighs up.
- There’s no crime in giving yourself over to pleasure, unless you’re in a southern state – then it’s seven years.
- The only thing I’ve come to trust is an orgasmic rush of lust. Toucha toucha touch me.
- Old Steve Reeves movies are not too abysmal.
- The future is ours, so let’s plan it.
- Time is fleeting, so let’s do the time warp again.
- Meat Loaf thought he was Divine. Divine was not amused.
- Stay sane inside insanity. Stay dry in the castle.
- By the light of the night, it will all seem all right. Of course, you won’t be able to see it.
All I Need to Know About Life I Learned by Watching Invasion of the Bee Girls
Forget the Bible or Little House on the Prairie, if you want to learn the REALLY important lessons in life, watch “Invasion of the Bee Girls”, a seventies film about a powerful cosmic force that turns Earth women into queen bees who kill men by wearing them out sexually. For those poor deprived creatures who can’t get access to this cinematic delight, here are the vitally important lessons to be learned:
- It isn’t true that men seldom make passes at girls who wear glasses.
- Flares never go out of fashion.
- If it’s covered in flashing lights, it is guaranteed to ruin any villain’s dastardly plan. (Someone should tell the UN about this: one disgruntled office worker with good security clearance and a large wrench and Osama could be history in less than five minutes.)
- Flash your tits at any male and they will happily buy you dinner, give you any confidential files vital to the security of Earth and let you murder them.
- Only evil women have orgasms or become lesbians.
- Staggeringly good looking women are naturally attracted to hideous, chauvinistic men.
- Scientists are irredeemably horny, unless they’re female in which case they are frigid until injected with bee DNA.
- The more nonsensical the scientific theory, the more likely it is to be true.
- People who live in small towns are very, very depraved.
- Never sleep with someone who makes loud buzzing noises.
- Real breasts sag.