Tag Archives: electronics

The Electronic Parish

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You know your parish has gone over the electronic communications edge when:

  • The pastor reads his sermon from a palm-held computer “notepad”
  • There are cell-phone chargers next to the pew-pencil drill holes
  • MCI takes out full-page ads in the parish bulletin
  • At the parish flea market, used cell phones and answering machines outnumber bowling balls, blenders and electric can-openers.
  • When the bells are rung following the consecration, half the congregation reaches into pockets or purses to see if it was for them. (Theologically speaking, of course, it was.)
  • The parish not only has an Internet web site, the parish council has discussed petitioning the bishop to change the parish name to “All Saints Domain”
  • Everyone in the parish assumes everyone knows what “domain” means
  • People without email addresses are known as “the needy”
  • As an April Fool’s Day joke on the pastor, several of the teenagers hid their pagers around his office, then called them all simultaneously. Apparently it did not startle him. He said he felt like he was at Sunday liturgy.
  • During coffee and doughnuts after Mass, people are overheard wondering if confession by email would be “licit.” Someone thinks “licit” is the name of a new software company.
  • A petition is circulating to partition the crying room, creating a “beepers-on” section.
  • To quiet fussy 2-year-olds, handing them pagers on “vibrate” is more common than handing them Cheerios.
  • Five-year-olds actually do say “deliver us some email” during the Our Father rather than “deliver us from evil.”
  • “It’s getting so bad,” I said to my colleague, “that pretty soon if you forget your contribution envelope, there’ll be one of those credit card slides in your pew so you can charge it.”

    • “You mean your parish still uses envelopes?” he asked.

Computers and Electronics as Depicted in the Movies

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  • You never have to use the space-bar when typing long sentences.
  • All monitors display inch-high letters.
  • High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA, or some such governmental institution, will have easy to understand graphical interfaces. Those that don’t, have incredibly powerful text-bases command shells that can correctly understand and execute commands typed in plain English.
  • Corollary: you can gain access to any information you want by simply typing “ACCESS ALL OF THE SECRET FILES” on any keyboard.
  • Likewise, you can infect a computer with a destructive virus by simply typing “UPLOAD VIRUS” (see “Fortress”).
  • All computers are connected. You can access the information on the villain’s desktop computer, even if it’s turned off.
  • Powerful computers beep whenever you press a key or whenever the screen changes. Some computers also slow down the output on the screen so that it doesn’t go faster than you can read. The *really* advanced ones also emulate the sound of a dot-matrix printer.
  • All computer panels have thousands of volts and flash pots just underneath the surface. Malfunctions are indicated by a bright flash, a puff of smoke, a shower of sparks, and an explosion that forces you backwards.
  • People typing away on a computer will turn it off without saving the data.
  • A hacker can get into the most sensitive computer in the world before intermission and guess the secret password in two tries.
  • Any PERMISSION DENIED has an OVERRIDE function (see “Demolition Man” and countless others).
  • Complex calculations and loading of huge amounts of data will be accomplished in under three seconds. Movie modems usually appear to transmit data at the speed of two gigabytes per second.
  • When the power plant/missile site/whatever overheats, all the control panels will explode, as will the entire building.
  • If a disk has got encrypted files, you are automatically asked for a password when you try to access it.
  • No matter what kind of computer disk it is, it’ll be readable by any system you put it into. All application software is usable by all computer platforms The more high-tech the equipment, the more buttons it has (Aliens). However, everyone must have been highly trained, because the buttons aren’t labeled.
  • Most computers, no matter how small, have reality-defying three-dimensional, active animation, photo-realistic graphics capability.
  • Laptops, for some strange reason, always seem to have amazing real-time video phone capabilities and the performance of a CRAY Supercomputer.
  • Whenever a character looks at a VDU, the image is so bright that it projects itself onto his/her face (see “Alien”, “2001”).