The Holy Scripture may have had a different bent if written by college students:

• The Last Supper would have been eaten the next morning – cold, with stale Coke.
• The Ten Commandments would actually be only five – double-spaced, with wide margins, and written in a large font.
• A new edition would be published every two years in order to limit reselling.
• Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn’t cafeteria food.
• Paul’s letter to the Romans would become Paul’s e-mail to abuse@romans.gov.
• Reason Cain killed Abel: They were roommates.
• Reason why Moses and followers walked in the desert for 40 years: They didn’t want to ask for directions and look like freshmen.
• Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh, he would have put it off until the night before it was due and then pulled an all-nighter.

• What did Noah say as he was loading the Ark?
  “Now I herd everything”
• Why did the people on the ark think the horses were pessimistic?
  They kept saying neigh
• What animal could Noah not trust?
  The cheetah
• What kind of lights did Noah have on the ark?
  Flood lights
• Who introduced salted meat to the Navy?
  Noah–he took Ham with him on the ark
• What did God say when Noah told him he wanted to build the ark out of bricks?
  “No, Noah — go for wood”
• Why couldn’t they play cards on the ark?
  Noah was sitting on the deck
• Who was the first canning factory run by?
  Noah-he had a boat full of preserved pairs
• Was Noah the first one out of the Ark?
  No, he came fourth out of the ark
• Which animal took the most baggage into the arc? What animal tooke the least?
  The elephant took his trunk. But the fox and the rooster took only a brush and comb between them.
• Why weren’t there any worms on the arc?
  Because worms come in apples not in pairs.
• What creatures were not on the arc?
  Fish
• Where did Noah keep the bees?
  In the ark hives.
• Who was the best financier in the Bible?
  Noah. He floated his stock while the whole world was in liquidation.
• Where was Noah when the lights went out?
  In d’ark.
• Why couldn’t Noah catch many fish?
  He only had two worms.
• When is paper money first mentioned in the Bible?
  When the dove brought the green back to the ark.
• What did the cat say when the ark landed?
  Is that Ararat?

• Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
  A. Noah; he was floating his stock while everyone was in liquidation.
• Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
  A. Pharaoh’s daughter; she went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.
• Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he got married?
  A. Ruth-less.
• Q. Who was the first drug addict in the Bible?
  A. Nebuchadnezzar; he was on grass for seven years.
• Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
  A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury.
  A. David’s Triumph was heard throughout the land.
  A. Honda… because the apostles were all in one Accord.
  A. 2 Cor. 4:8 describes going out in a Volkswagen, “We are pressed in every way, but not cramped beyond movement.”
• Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
  A. Samson; he brought the house down.

• Q. Where is the first baseball game in the Bible?
  A. In the Big Inning, Eve stole first, Adam stole second, Cain struck out Abel, and the Prodigal Son came home. The Giants and the Angels were rained out.
• Q. How did Adam and Eve feel when expelled from the Garden of Eden?
  A. They were really put out.
• Q. What is one of the first things that Adam and Eve did after they were kicked out?
  A. They really raised Cain.
• Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?
  A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.
• Q. How long did Cain hate his brother?
  A. As long as he was Abel!
• Q. What was the last thing Noah said before he entered the Ark?
  A. So long Fellers!
• Q. The ark was built in 3 stories and the top story had a window to let light in, but how did they get light to the bottom 2 stories?
  A. They used floodlights.
• Q. After the flood, how many people left the ark ahead of Noah?
  A. 3 because the Bible says that Noah went forth out of the ark.
• Q. Where is the first mention of insurance in the Bible?
  A. When Adam and Eve needed more coverage.
• Q. Where is another mention of insurance in the Bible?
  A. When David gave Goliath a piece of the rock.
• Q. Who was the first Electrical Engineer?
  A. Noah; he made the ark light on Mt. Ararat.
• Q. Who ran the the first electronics shop?
  A. Adam; he supplied spare parts for the first loudspeaker.
• Q. Who is the greatest babysitter mentioned in the Bible?
  A. David, he rocked Goliath to sleep.
• Q. Why was Goliath so surprised when David hit him with a slingshot?
  A. The thought had never entered his head before?
• Q. If Goliath is resurrected, would you like to tell him the joke about David and Goliath?
  A. No, he already fell for it once.
• Q. Why did Paul tell Timothy to take just a little wine for the sake of his stomach?
  A. Because it was Paul’s bottle.
• Q. What is the best way to get to Paradise?
  A. Turn right and go straight.
• Q. Why won’t we drink milk in the new world?
  A. Because, at Armageddon, there will be udder destruction.
• Q. Why shouldn’t Christians watch TV?
  A. At the transfiguration, Jesus said, “Tell the vision to no one.”
• Q. Who was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
  A. Moses, because he broke all 10 commandments at once.
• Q. Who was known as a Mathematician in the Bible?
  A. Moses, he wrote the book of Numbers.
• Q. Who was the first man mentioned in the Bible?
  A. Chap One.
• Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
  A. The area around the Jordan, the banks were always overflowing.
• Q. How do we know that Job went to a chiropractor?
  A. Because Job 16:12, 14, 16 says, “I had come to be at ease, but he proceeded to shake me up: and he grabbed me by the back of the neck and proceeded to smash me.”
• Q. Will there be dogs in the new system?
  A. No, 2 Peter 3:14 tells us that we will be without spot.
• Q. Who was the straightest man in the bible?
  A. Joseph, because the Pharaoh made him a ruler.
• Q. Who are the 3 shortest men in the Bible?
  A. Bildad the shuhite
  A. Nehemiah (knee-hi-miah!)
  A. The man who fell asleep in his watch.
• Q. Who is the largest woman in the Bible
  A. The woman of Samaria.
• Q. Which is the first instance of tennis playing in the Bible?
  A. Moses served in the courts of Pharaoh.
• Q. What is the first instance of cannibalism in the Bible?
  A. 2 Kings 8:1.
• Q. What is the first instance of cricket in the Bible?
  A. Peter stood up before the 11 and was bold.
• Q. What is the first instance of beer drinking in the Bible?
  A. Peter stood up and took Courage.

God made, Adam bit, Noah arked, Abraham split, Jacob fooled, Joseph ruled, Bush talked, Moses balked, Pharaoh plagued, People walked, Sea divided, Tablets guided, Promises landed, Saul freaked, David peeked, Prophets warned, Jesus born, God walked, Love talked, Anger crucified, Hope died, Love rose, Spirit flamed, Word spread, God remained. Amen.

They recently discovered a smaller scroll hidden in the cylinder of the first scroll of the ancient Biblical scriptures, believed to be the actual “first page” of the Bible. When deciphered, it read:

“Copyright (c) 300 B.C. God. All Rights Reserved First scrawling First-Sunrise-After-Stonehenge-Keystone-Is-Shadowed, 300 B.C.

All beings, places and events depicted in this work are fictional, and any resemblance to actual beings, places and events past, present or future is purely coincidental.

WARNING: Some of the actions performed in this work are dangerous and should only be attempted by professionals familiar with the action in question.

NOTE: Those tiny points of light in the sky when it gets dark are called ‘stars’. Some of them do blow up on occasion. In no way should this be construed as a sign that there is, beneath such an explosion, any form of saviour. Should such a misconstrual happen, the author will not be held responsible for the avalanche of arrogance, zeal, bigotry, humanocentricity and other vile acts which will surely follow the residents of the planet into time eternal until someone sees fit to erase the denizens of the world and let the author start over.

DSBN 0-000000-0000-1

Suggested retail: 1 sheep.”