If College Students Wrote the Holy Bible

The Holy Scripture may have had a different bent if written by college students:

  • The Last Supper would have been eaten the next morning – cold, with stale Coke.
  • The Ten Commandments would actually be only five – double-spaced, with wide margins, and written in a large font.
  • A new edition would be published every two years in order to limit reselling.
  • Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn’t cafeteria food.
  • Paul’s letter to the Romans would become Paul’s e-mail to abuse@romans.gov.
  • Reason Cain killed Abel: They were roommates.
  • Reason why Moses and followers walked in the desert for 40 years: They didn’t want to ask for directions and look like freshmen.
  • Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh, he would have put it off until the night before it was due and then pulled an all-nighter.

Biblical Spokespersons

What if biblical characters could be recruited as high-tech promoters? Consider the following tech advocates and their ad slogans:

  • Noah for Match.com:
    We can find a mate for anything. Why not you?
  • Moses for the Excedrin Headache Resource Center (Excedrin.com):
    Take two tablets and call me in the morning.
  • The dove for UPS.com:
    Guaranteed delivery in 40 days and 40 nights.
  • Adam and Eve for Dell:
    No Apples for us. We’ve learned the hard way.
  • Solomon for Microsoft:
    Don’t cut the baby in half.
  • Joseph for Nikon Coolpix:
    Only Nikon can capture the 36-bit color of my megapixel dreamcoat.
  • Methuselah for AARP.org:
    Life begins at 960.
  • John the Baptist for DunkinDonuts.com:
    You’ll be head over heels for our new Munchkin platter.
  • Pharaoh for Symantec:
    If only we’d had Norton AntiPlague 2002 in 2002 … B.C.E.
  • Job for NASDAQ:
    ‘Nuff said.

Bible Riddles – Noah

  • What did Noah say as he was loading the Ark?
    “Now I herd everything”
  • Why did the people on the ark think the horses were pessimistic?
    They kept saying neigh
  • What animal could Noah not trust?
    The cheetah
  • What kind of lights did Noah have on the ark?
    Flood lights
  • Who introduced salted meat to the Navy?
    Noah–he took Ham with him on the ark
  • What did God say when Noah told him he wanted to build the ark out of bricks?
    “No, Noah — go for wood”
  • Why couldn’t they play cards on the ark?
    Noah was sitting on the deck
  • Who was the first canning factory run by?
    Noah-he had a boat full of preserved pairs
  • Was Noah the first one out of the Ark?
    No, he came fourth out of the ark
  • Which animal took the most baggage into the arc? What animal tooke the least?
    The elephant took his trunk. But the fox and the rooster took only a brush and comb between them.
  • Why weren’t there any worms on the arc?
    Because worms come in apples not in pairs.
  • What creatures were not on the arc?
  • Where did Noah keep the bees?
    In the ark hives.
  • Who was the best financier in the Bible?
    Noah. He floated his stock while the whole world was in liquidation.
  • Where was Noah when the lights went out?
    In d’ark.
  • Why couldn’t Noah catch many fish?
    He only had two worms.
  • When is paper money first mentioned in the Bible?
    When the dove brought the green back to the ark.
  • What did the cat say when the ark landed?
    Is that Ararat?

Bible Riddles

  • Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
    A. Noah; he was floating his stock while everyone was in liquidation.
  • Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
    A. Pharaoh’s daughter; she went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.
  • Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he got married?
    A. Ruth-less.
  • Q. Who was the first drug addict in the Bible?
    A. Nebuchadnezzar; he was on grass for seven years.
  • Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
    A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury.
    A. David’s Triumph was heard throughout the land.
    A. Honda… because the apostles were all in one Accord.
    A. 2 Cor. 4:8 describes going out in a Volkswagen, “We are pressed in every way, but not cramped beyond movement.”
  • Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
    A. Samson; he brought the house down.

  • Q. Where is the first baseball game in the Bible?
    A. In the Big Inning, Eve stole first, Adam stole second, Cain struck out Abel, and the Prodigal Son came home. The Giants and the Angels were rained out.
  • Q. How did Adam and Eve feel when expelled from the Garden of Eden?
    A. They were really put out.
  • Q. What is one of the first things that Adam and Eve did after they were kicked out?
    A. They really raised Cain.
  • Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?
    A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.
  • Q. How long did Cain hate his brother?
    A. As long as he was Abel!
  • Q. What was the last thing Noah said before he entered the Ark?
    A. So long Fellers!
  • Q. The ark was built in 3 stories and the top story had a window to let light in, but how did they get light to the bottom 2 stories?
    A. They used floodlights.
  • Q. After the flood, how many people left the ark ahead of Noah?
    A. 3 because the Bible says that Noah went forth out of the ark.
  • Q. Where is the first mention of insurance in the Bible?
    A. When Adam and Eve needed more coverage.
  • Q. Where is another mention of insurance in the Bible?
    A. When David gave Goliath a piece of the rock.
  • Q. Who was the first Electrical Engineer?
    A. Noah; he made the ark light on Mt. Ararat.
  • Q. Who ran the the first electronics shop?
    A. Adam; he supplied spare parts for the first loudspeaker.
  • Q. Who is the greatest babysitter mentioned in the Bible?
    A. David, he rocked Goliath to sleep.
  • Q. Why was Goliath so surprised when David hit him with a slingshot?
    A. The thought had never entered his head before?
  • Q. If Goliath is resurrected, would you like to tell him the joke about David and Goliath?
    A. No, he already fell for it once.
  • Q. Why did Paul tell Timothy to take just a little wine for the sake of his stomach?
    A. Because it was Paul’s bottle.
  • Q. What is the best way to get to Paradise?
    A. Turn right and go straight.
  • Q. Why won’t we drink milk in the new world?
    A. Because, at Armageddon, there will be udder destruction.
  • Q. Why shouldn’t Christians watch TV?
    A. At the transfiguration, Jesus said, “Tell the vision to no one.”
  • Q. Who was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
    A. Moses, because he broke all 10 commandments at once.
  • Q. Who was known as a Mathematician in the Bible?
    A. Moses, he wrote the book of Numbers.
  • Q. Who was the first man mentioned in the Bible?
    A. Chap One.
  • Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
    A. The area around the Jordan, the banks were always overflowing.
  • Q. How do we know that Job went to a chiropractor?
    A. Because Job 16:12, 14, 16 says, “I had come to be at ease, but he proceeded to shake me up: and he grabbed me by the back of the neck and proceeded to smash me.”
  • Q. Will there be dogs in the new system?
    A. No, 2 Peter 3:14 tells us that we will be without spot.
  • Q. Who was the straightest man in the bible?
    A. Joseph, because the Pharaoh made him a ruler.
  • Q. Who are the 3 shortest men in the Bible?
    A. Bildad the shuhite
    A. Nehemiah (knee-hi-miah!)
    A. The man who fell asleep in his watch.
  • Q. Who is the largest woman in the Bible
    A. The woman of Samaria.
  • Q. Which is the first instance of tennis playing in the Bible?
    A. Moses served in the courts of Pharaoh.
  • Q. What is the first instance of cannibalism in the Bible?
    A. 2 Kings 8:1.
  • Q. What is the first instance of cricket in the Bible?
    A. Peter stood up before the 11 and was bold.
  • Q. What is the first instance of beer drinking in the Bible?
    A. Peter stood up and took Courage.

The Bible in 50 Words or Less

God made, Adam bit, Noah arked, Abraham split, Jacob fooled, Joseph ruled, Bush talked, Moses balked, Pharaoh plagued, People walked, Sea divided, Tablets guided, Promises landed, Saul freaked, David peeked, Prophets warned, Jesus born, God walked, Love talked, Anger crucified, Hope died, Love rose, Spirit flamed, Word spread, God remained. Amen.

The Real First Page of the Bible

They recently discovered a smaller scroll hidden in the cylinder of the first scroll of the ancient Biblical scriptures, believed to be the actual “first page” of the Bible. When deciphered, it read:

“Copyright (c) 300 B.C. God. All Rights Reserved First scrawling First-Sunrise-After-Stonehenge-Keystone-Is-Shadowed, 300 B.C.

All beings, places and events depicted in this work are fictional, and any resemblance to actual beings, places and events past, present or future is purely coincidental.

WARNING: Some of the actions performed in this work are dangerous and should only be attempted by professionals familiar with the action in question.

NOTE: Those tiny points of light in the sky when it gets dark are called ‘stars’. Some of them do blow up on occasion. In no way should this be construed as a sign that there is, beneath such an explosion, any form of saviour. Should such a misconstrual happen, the author will not be held responsible for the avalanche of arrogance, zeal, bigotry, humanocentricity and other vile acts which will surely follow the residents of the planet into time eternal until someone sees fit to erase the denizens of the world and let the author start over.

DSBN 0-000000-0000-1

Suggested retail: 1 sheep.”

Easter Story Cookies

You will need the following ingredients:

  • 1 cup whole pecans
  • 1 teaspoon vinegar
  • 3 egg whites
  • A pinch salt
  • 1 cup sugar
  • A zipper baggie
  • A wooden spoon
  • Tape
  • Bible
  • Your children

Preheat oven to 300 F.

Place pecans in zipper baggie and let children beat them with the wooden spoon to break into small pieces. Explain that after Jesus was arrested He was beaten by the Roman soldiers.
Read John 19:1-3.

Let each child smell the vinegar. Put 1 teaspoon of vinegar into mixing bowl. Explain that when Jesus was thirsty on the cross, He was given vinegar to drink.
Read John 19:28-30.

Add egg whites to vinegar. Eggs represent life. Explain that Jesus gave His life to give us life.
Read John 10:10-11.

Sprinkle a little salt into each child’s hand. Let them taste it and brush the rest into the bowl. Explain that this represents the salty tears shed by Jesus’ followers, and the bitterness of our own sin.
Read Luke 23:27.

So far the ingredients are not very appetizing. Add 1 cup sugar. Explain that the sweetest part of the story is that Jesus died because He loves us. He wants us to know and belong to Him.
Read Psalms 34:8 and John 3:16.

Beat with a mixer on high speed for 12 to 15 minutes until stiff peaks are formed. Explain that the color white represents the purity in God’s eyes of those whose sins have been cleansed by Jesus.
Read Isaiah 1:18 and John 3:1-3.

Fold in broken nuts. Drop by teaspoons onto wax paper covered cookie sheet. Explain that each mound represents the rocky tomb where Jesus’ body was laid.
Read Matthew 27:57-60.

Put the cookie sheet in the oven, close the door and turn the oven OFF. Give each child a piece of tape and seal the oven door. Explain that Jesus’ tomb was sealed.
Read Matthew 27:65-66.

Explain that they may feel sad to leave the cookies in the oven overnight. Jesus’ followers were in despair when the tomb was sealed.
Read John 16:20 and 22.

On Easter morning, open the oven and give everyone a cookie. Notice the cracked surface and take a bite. The cookies are hollow! On the first Easter Jesus’ followers were amazed to find the tomb open and empty.
Read Matthew 28:1-9.


The Flamer’s Bible

Revision 1: Dec. 2, 1987 by Joe Talmadge

In the time I have been posting to net, I have encountered flame wars of epic proportions (Brahms Gang vs. Tim Maroney), and flame wars of a more modest nature (MIT vs. CIT). Flaming has evolved into a highly-stylized art form, complete with unwritten rules and guidelines.

Here, I have attempted to document the Art of Flaming, in such a way as it will be interesting to old hands (flame masters) and novices (virgins) alike. Without a further ado, then, I present:

The Twelve Commandments of Flaming

  1. Make things up about your opponent: It’s important to make your lies sound true. Preface your argument with the word “clearly.” “Clearly, Fred Flooney is a liar, and a dirtball to boot.”
  2. Be an armchair psychologist: You’re a smart person. You’ve heard of Freud. You took a psychology course in college. Clearly, you’re qualified to psychoanalyze your opponent. “Polly Purebread, by using the word ‘zucchini’ in her posting, shows she has a bad case of penis envy.”
  3. Cross-post your flames: Everyone on the net is just waiting for the next literary masterpiece to leave your terminal. From rec.arts.wobegon to alt.gourmand, they’re all holding their breaths until your next flame. Therefore, post everywhere.
  4. Conspiracies abound: If everyone’s against you, the reason can’t *possibly* be that you’re a fuckhead. There’s obviously a conspiracy against you, and you will be doing the entire net a favor by exposing it.
  5. Lawsuit threats: This is the reverse of Rule #4 (sort of like the Yin & Yang of flaming). Threatening a lawsuit is always considered to be in good form. “By saying that I’ve posted to the wrong group, Bertha has libeled me, slandered me, and sodomized me. See you in court, Bertha.”
  6. Force them to document their claims: Even if Harry Hoinkus states outright that he likes tomato sauce on his pasta, you should demand documentation. If Newsweek hasn’t written an article on Harry’s pasta preferences, then Harry’s obviously lying.
  7. Use foreign phrases: French is good, but Latin is the lingua franca of flaming. You should use the words “ad hominem” at least three times per article. Other favorite Latin phrases are “ad nauseum,” “vini, vidi, vici,” and “fettuccini alfredo.”
  8. Tell ’em how smart you are: Why use intelligent arguments to convince them you’re smart when all you have to do is tell them? State that you’re a member of Mensa or Mega or Dorks of America. Tell them the scores you received on every exam since high school. “I got an 800 on my SATs, LSATs, GREs, MCATs, and I can also spell the word ‘premeiotic’.”
  9. Accuse your opponent of censorship. It is your right as an American citizen to post whatever the hell you want to the net (as guaranteed by the 37th Amendment, I think). Anyone who tries to limit your cross-posting or move a flame war to email is either a communist, a fascist, or both.
  10. Doubt their existence: You’ve never actually seen your opponent, have you? And since you’re the center of the universe, you should have seen them by now, shouldn’t you? Therefore, THEY DON’T EXIST! This is the beauty of flamers’ logic.
  11. Lie, cheat, steal, leave the toilet seat up.
  12. When in doubt, insult: If you forget the other 11 rules, remember this one. At some point during your wonderful career as a flamer you will undoubtedly end up in a flame war with someone who is better than you. This person will expose your lies, tear apart your arguments, make you look generally like a bozo. At this point, there’s only one thing to do: insult the dirtbag!!! “Oh yeah? Well, your mother does strange things with vegetables.”

The Golden Rule of Flaming

My flames will be witty, insulting, interesting, funny, caustic, or sarcastic, but never, ever, will they be boring.

Here endeth the scriptures.

All I Need to Know About Life I Learned from My Bible

  • Miracles happen
  • Somebody loves me
  • I am not alone
  • The majority isn’t always right
  • Wonderful things happen in dungeons
  • Death is only skin deep
  • Poverty is temporary and so is wealth
  • He who dies with the most toys loses the most toys
  • You can always go home again
  • Things will look better in three days
  • I always have at least one friend that is closer than a brother
  • Family is everywhere
  • There is always something good to look forward to