Farmboys

A pretty blonde woman is driving down a country road in her new sports car when something goes wrong and it breaks down. Luckily, she happens to be near a farmhouse. She goes up to the farmhouse and knocks on the door. When the farmer answers, she says to him, “It’s Sunday night and my car broke down! I don’t know what to do! Can I stay here for the night until tomorrow when I can get some help?”

“Well,” drawls the farmer, “you can stay here, but I don’t want you messin’ with my sons Jed and Luke.”

She looks through the screen door and sees two men standing behind the farmer. She judges them to be in the early twenties.

“Okay,” she says.

After they have gone to bed for the night the woman begins to get a little horny just thinking about the two boys in the room next to her. So she quietly goes into their room and says, “Boys, how would you like for me to teach you the ways of the world?”

They say, “Huh?”

She says, “The only thing is, I don’t want to get pregnant, so you have to wear these rubbers.” She puts them on the boys, and the three of them go it all night long.

Forty years later, Jed and Luke are sitting on the front porch, rocking back and forth.

Jed says, “Luke?”

Luke says, “Yeah, Jed?”

Jed says, “You remember that blond woman that came by here about forty years ago and showed us the ways of the world?”

“Yeah,” says Luke, “I remember.”

“Well, do you care if she gets pregnant?” asks Jed.

“Nope,” says Luke, “I reckon not.”

“Me neither,” says Jed. “Let’s take these things off.”

Facts About Men and Women

  • A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants.
    A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t want.
  • A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
    A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
  • A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
    A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
  • To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
    To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
  • Married men live longer than single men.
    But married men are a lot more willing to die.
  • Any married man should forget his mistakes.
    No sense two people remembering the same thing.
  • Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
    Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
  • A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.
    A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change and she does.
  • A woman has the last word in any argument.
    Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

What Every Man Expects in a Wife

  • She will always be beautiful and cheerful.
  • She could marry a movie star, but wants only you.
  • She will have hair that never needs curlers or beauty shops.
  • Her beauty won’t run in a rainstorm.
  • She will never be sick–just allergic to jewelry and fur coats.
  • She will insist that moving the furniture by herself, it’s good for her figure.
  • She will be an expert in cooking, cleaning house, fixing the car or TV, painting the house, and keeping quiet.
  • Her favorite hobbies will be mowing the lawn and shoveling snow.
  • She will hate charge cards.
  • Her favorite expression will be, “What can I do for you, Dear?”
  • She will think you have Einstein’s brain but look like Mr. America.
  • She will wish you would go out with the boys so that she could get some sewing done.
  • She will love you because you’re so sexy.

Signs Your Ex is Dating a Convict

  • She calls to ask you the meaning of “conjugal.”
  • Her new bumper sticker: “Convicts do it for life.”
  • She proudly says she finally found a man who sleeps in the same bed every night.
  • She only feels comfortable speaking to you on the phone when you’re on opposite sides of the same window.
  • Your ex *is* a convict.
  • Back from custody weekend, little Timmy asks if he can have a steel toilet next to his bed, “just like Uncle Snake!”
  • You hear her asking the kids if the “screws” at daycare are treating them right.
  • Your children’s response to why drugs are bad is “they violate your parole.”
  • You’re spending another weekend with the kids because “Mommy has the Conjugals.”
  • She boasts: “He’s a former child TV star!”
  • Your kids try to guess how many cigarettes their birthday presents are worth.
  • Her license plate is autographed.

Ethnic Dating

  • A CAUCASIAN WOMAN:
    First date: You get to kiss her goodnight.
    Second date: You get to grope all over and make out.
    Third date: You get to have sex in the missionary position.
  • IRISH WOMAN:
    First Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
    Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
    20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
  • ITALIAN WOMAN:
    First Date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant.
    Second Date: You meet her parents and her Mom makes spaghetti and meatballs.
    Third Date: You have sex, she wants to marry you and insists on a 3 carat ring.
    5th Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together and hate the thought of having sex.
    6th Anniversary: You find yourself a girlfriend.
  • JEWISH WOMAN:
    First Date: You get dynamite head.
    Second Date: You get more great head.
    Third Date: You tell her you’ll marry her and never get head again.
  • POLISH WOMAN:
    First Date: You go to pick her up, and she isn’t home. She gave you the wrong address.
    Second Date: You decide to meet at a restaurant. She gets lost getting to the restaurant and then again going home.
    Third Date: She’s pregnant. She’s not sure if its hers.
  • CHINESE WOMAN:
    First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing happens..
    Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner but nothing happens again.
    Third date: You don’t even get to the third date and you have already realized nothing is going to happen.
  • INDIAN WOMAN:
    First date: Meet her parents.
    Second date: Set the date of the wedding.
    Third date: Wedding night.
  • BLACK WOMAN:
    First Date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner.
    Second Date: Your get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive dinner.
    Third Date: You get to pay her rent.
    Tenth Date: She’s pregnant by someone other than you!
  • LATIN WOMAN
    First Date: You buy her an expensive dinner, get her drunk on Riunite, have sex in the back of her car.
    Second Date: She is pregnant.
    Third Date: Move in with her, her two cousins, her sister’s boyfriend and live happily ever after eating rice and beans in the Bronx.

How To Make Your Girlfriend Eternally Happy

  1. Be RICH. This is important for you, but not for her. For her the number 2 rule follows.
  2. Spend MONEY on HER. This is the most important thing for her, whether you are rich, have any money, or must lie, steal, or kill to do it.
  3. Be TALL. Of course you have no real control over this, but if you don’t do it, she will secretly and forever resent you for it and it will come out of left field to smite you. Preferably be about 1 foot taller than her – not for comfort or aesthetics, but because you are a trophy and, as always, the bigger the better.
  4. Be a MINDLESS ZOMBIE RULED BY HER. Forget what you’ve heard about submissive women. They actually rule every relationship with insidious and painful, passive-aggressive, guilt-evoking, whiny, crying mind-control.
  5. Have the EMOTIONAL STABILITY OF A 4-YEAR-OLD. She will be impressed and enraptured by your delight at the sight of HelloKitty, stuffed animals, puppies, kitties, duckies, bunnies, as well as chocolates, shiny jewelry and other trinkets and knick-knacks. Also, she will understand perfectly well if you pout over the smallest perceived slight or slip and demand to be appeased, assuaged, or made up to. If you behave any other way, she will never understand it.
  6. Dress like a PRETTY-BOY GEEK. This will save her the trouble of replacing your wardrobe and dressing you, herself.
  7. Remove EVERY HAIR ON YOUR BODY EXCEPT THOSE ON YOUR SCALP. The sight of a whisker on your face reminds her that somewhere inside you, something is trying to grow. You must not grow – you must be as unchanging and constant as the firmament.
  8. There are NO MORE RULES to making your girlfriend eternally happy. If any situation arises which you feel the rules have not addressed, you are mistaken – immediately refer to the primary rules #1 and #2 – they are the solution in every such case.

The Dr. Seuss Purity Test

Have you done it on a boat?
Have you done it with a goat?
Have you done it in a bed?
Have you done it with the dead?
Have you done it in the ass?
Have you done it, high on grass?
Have you done it in the car?
Have you simply gone too far?
Have you done it on the beach?
Have you done it with the teach?
Have you done it on your back?
Have you done it strapped to a rack?
Have you done it in a box?
Have you done it with a fox?
Have you done it in a tree?
Have you done it with more than three?
Have you done it in the rain?
Have you done it for the pain?
Have you done it ‘tween the tits?
Have you done it wearing mitts?
Have you done it packed in rubber?
Have you done it undercover?
Have you done it on a perch?
Have you done it in a church?
Have you done it with a virgin?
Have you done it with a sturgeon?
Have you done it with ropes and chains?
Have you done it while insane?
Have you done it on the stage?
Have you done it underage?
Have you done it with all your friends?
Have you done it in both ends?
Have you done it with your dog?
Have you done it on a log?
Have you done it under clamps?
Have you done it with the lamps?
Have you done it without style?
Have you done it in a pile?
Have you done it for all to see?
Have you ever had VD?
Have you done it on Mother’s couch?
Have you done it in your mouth?
Have you done it while on tape?
Have you done it out of shape?
Have you done it on live TV?
Have you done it whilst you pee?
Have you done it in the gym?
Have you done it on a whim?
Have you done it on a dare?
Do you really think we care?

Answer these, and count your “no”s,
pray this number never grows.
Fifty questions we asked thee,
Score times two is your Purity.

Ways to Drive a Woman Crazy

  • Call her by the dog’s name and then deny it.
  • Answer all her questions with a question, preferably one on a totally different subject.
  • Superglue the commode seat in the up position.
  • Shrink her jeans and when she overreacts because she thinks that she’s gaining weight, give her a condescending smile and say that you prefer her with some meat on her bones.
  • Firmly refuse to ever ask for directions even if you find yourself in Georgia when your original destination was California.
  • Call her by your mother’s name and then deny it.
  • Start a conversation with the dog in the middle of one with her.
  • Buy her power tools for Valentine’s Day.
  • Never give her a straight answer.
  • Take up yodelling and practice a lot.
  • Quote Tim Allen to validate your position during arguments. (Argh! Argh! Argh!)
  • Leave the newspaper open to an ad for plastic surgery.
  • Pretend you forgot how to speak English.
  • Answer every question with “Yes, dear.” (Use with caution as PMS is a valid murder defense in many states.)

The Downsides to Buying Sperm Over the Internet

  • “To purchase our official applicator/turkey baster for an additional $6.99, click here.”
  • After your purchase, you keep getting junk email with the subject “MAKE BABIES FAST!!!”
  • “Marketing Manager” keeps calling to offer “free home delivery.”
  • Does the real Stephen Hawking even *have* an AOL account?
  • All of the “product” originates from Mort, a middle-aged landfill manager who likes to login to the teenage girls chatroom as Buffy15.
  • Donors from yahoo.com are just that.
  • They send you a blue dress and tell you to start scraping.
  • Greater than 75% chance of getting a Joke List contributor.
  • No way to know if what you’re bidding on is new or refurbished.
  • Unless you live in a city with an NBA franchise, nobody will believe you actually “hooked-up” with Shawn Kemp.
  • No way to verify that Ernest Borgnine is indeed the donor.
  • Now there’s a coincidence, mine also came with a presidential seal.

Difficult Women

  • SERVER woman:
    She’s always busy when you need her.
  • WINDOWS woman:
    Everyone knows that she can’t do a thing right, but none can live without her.
  • POWERPOINT woman:
    Only Bill Gates has the will to use her more than half an hour.
  • EXCEL woman:
    They say she can do a lot of things, but you mostly use her for your four basic needs.
  • WORD woman:
    She always has a surprise reserved for you, but no one in the world is able to fully understand her.
  • DOS woman:
    Everyone has had her at least once, but no one wants her anymore.
  • BACKUP woman:
    You have always believed that she has everything you need, but when “X-hour” comes, you find out that she has missed something.
  • VIRUS woman:
    Also known as “wife”; when you are not expecting her to, she comes, installs herself and uses all your resources. If you try to uninstall her you will lose something, but if you don’t try to uninstall her you will lose everything.
  • SCANDISK woman:
    You know that she is good and that she only wants to help you, but you never know what she is really doing that for.
  • SCREENSAVER woman:
    She is not worth anything, but at least she’s fun!
  • RAM woman:
    She forgets everything you say when you disconnect her.
  • HARD-DISK woman:
    She remembers everything…. FOREVER.
  • MULTIMEDIA woman:
    She makes horrible things look beautiful.
  • MICROSOFT woman:
    She wants to have domination over all the men she meets, and she tries to convince them that this is the best thing for them. She will do the best she can to make you fight against other women, and she promises you that you will have everything you want if you will give her your address book. Before you figure it out, she will be the only one in your life… it will even come to the day when you will need her permission to open your refrigerator or start your car.
  • PASSWORD woman:
    You think you’re the only one who knows her, but in reality all the world does….
  • MP3 woman:
    Everybody wants to take her…
  • USER woman:
    She fucks up everything she does, and she always asks for more than she needs.
  • CPU woman:
    From outside, she looks like she has everything, but on the inside she is empty…
  • MONITOR woman:
    She makes life look better and brighter.
  • CD-ROM woman:
    She’s always going faster and faster.
  • DATAWAREHOUSING woman:
    She keeps you informed of everything, except what you really want to know.
  • E-MAIL woman:
    Out of every ten things she says, eight are bullshit.