Ways to Drive a Woman Crazy

  • Call her by the dog’s name and then deny it.
  • Answer all her questions with a question, preferably one on a totally different subject.
  • Superglue the commode seat in the up position.
  • Shrink her jeans and when she overreacts because she thinks that she’s gaining weight, give her a condescending smile and say that you prefer her with some meat on her bones.
  • Firmly refuse to ever ask for directions even if you find yourself in Georgia when your original destination was California.
  • Call her by your mother’s name and then deny it.
  • Start a conversation with the dog in the middle of one with her.
  • Buy her power tools for Valentine’s Day.
  • Never give her a straight answer.
  • Take up yodelling and practice a lot.
  • Quote Tim Allen to validate your position during arguments. (Argh! Argh! Argh!)
  • Leave the newspaper open to an ad for plastic surgery.
  • Pretend you forgot how to speak English.
  • Answer every question with “Yes, dear.” (Use with caution as PMS is a valid murder defense in many states.)