- Be RICH. This is important for you, but not for her. For her the number 2 rule follows.
- Spend MONEY on HER. This is the most important thing for her, whether you are rich, have any money, or must lie, steal, or kill to do it.
- Be TALL. Of course you have no real control over this, but if you don’t do it, she will secretly and forever resent you for it and it will come out of left field to smite you. Preferably be about 1 foot taller than her – not for comfort or aesthetics, but because you are a trophy and, as always, the bigger the better.
- Be a MINDLESS ZOMBIE RULED BY HER. Forget what you’ve heard about submissive women. They actually rule every relationship with insidious and painful, passive-aggressive, guilt-evoking, whiny, crying mind-control.
- Have the EMOTIONAL STABILITY OF A 4-YEAR-OLD. She will be impressed and enraptured by your delight at the sight of HelloKitty, stuffed animals, puppies, kitties, duckies, bunnies, as well as chocolates, shiny jewelry and other trinkets and knick-knacks. Also, she will understand perfectly well if you pout over the smallest perceived slight or slip and demand to be appeased, assuaged, or made up to. If you behave any other way, she will never understand it.
- Dress like a PRETTY-BOY GEEK. This will save her the trouble of replacing your wardrobe and dressing you, herself.
- Remove EVERY HAIR ON YOUR BODY EXCEPT THOSE ON YOUR SCALP. The sight of a whisker on your face reminds her that somewhere inside you, something is trying to grow. You must not grow – you must be as unchanging and constant as the firmament.
- There are NO MORE RULES to making your girlfriend eternally happy. If any situation arises which you feel the rules have not addressed, you are mistaken – immediately refer to the primary rules #1 and #2 – they are the solution in every such case.
Tag Archives: girlfriend
9 Types of Girlfriends
Ms. Nice Guy – “Tickets to the boxing match? Oh, darling, you shouldn’t have!”
Also known as: Whattagal, Precious, One of the Boys, My Main Squeeze, Doormat
Advantages: Cheerful, agreeable, kindly
Disadvantages: May wise up someday
Old Yeller – “You spineless good-for-nothing drag-arse no-talent son of a bitch! Can’t you see you’re making me miserable??”
Also known as: She-Devil, Sourpuss, the Nag, My Old Lady, Warthog from Hell
Advantages: Pays attention to you
Disadvantages: Screeches, throws frying pans
Sickly – “Oh, my head. My head. My feet. My cramps. My cellulite.”
Also known as: Whiner, Mewler, Grumpy
Advantages: Predictable
Disadvantages: Contagious
The Bosser – “Stand up straight. Put on a different tie. Get a haircut. Change your job. Make some money. Don’t give me that look.”
Also known as: Whipcracker, The Sarge, Ms. Know-it-all, Ball and Chain, Yes Mom
Advantages: Often right
Disadvantages: Often right, but so what?
Ms. Vaguely Dissatisfied – “I just can’t decide. Should I switch my career, goals, home, and hair color?”
Also known as: The Fretter, Worrywart, Typical, Aw C’mon Honey
Advantages: Easily soothed
Disadvantages: Even more easily perturbed
Wild Woman out of Control – “I’ve got an idea. Lez get drunk an’ make love onna front lawn. I done it before. S’fun.”
Also known as: Fast Girl, Freewheeler, Goodtime Charleena, Passed Out
Advantages: More fun than a barrel of monkeys
Disadvantages: Unreliable; drives off cliffs
Huffy – “I see nothing humorous in those silly cartoons you keep snickering at.”
Also known as: No Fun, Humorless Prig, Cold fish, Chilly Proposition, Iceberg, Snarly
Advantages: Your friends will feel sorry for you
Disadvantages: You will have no friends
Woman from Mars – “I believe this interpretive dance will explain how I feel about our
relationship.”
Also known as: The Babbler, Spooky Girl, Screwball, Loony, Bad News, Artistic
Advantages: Entertaining, unfathomable
Disadvantages: Will read her poetry aloud
Ms. Dreamgirl – “I am utterly content with you just the way you are, my handsome genius
of a boyfriend. I think we must make love like crazed weasels now!”
Also known as: Ms. Right, Goddess, Knockout, Perfection, Gorgeous
Advantages: Funny, intelligent, uninhibited
Disadvantages: Will have nothing to do with you.