A boy was taking care of his baby sister while his parents went shopping. He decided to go fishing and he had to take her along.
“I’ll never do that again!” he told his mother that evening. “I didn’t catch a thing!”
“Oh, next time I’m sure she’ll be quiet and not scare the fish away,” his mother said.
The boy said, “It wasn’t that. She ate all the bait.”
One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house. His three children were outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard. The door of his wife’s car was open, as was the front door to the house. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.
In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door. He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife.
He was worried she may be ill, or that something serious had happened. He found her lounging in the bedroom, still curled in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, “What happened here today?”
She again smiled and answered, “You know everyday when you come home from work and ask me what in the world did I do today?”
“Yes,” was his incredulous reply.
She answered, “Well, today I didn’t do it.”
A small boy is sent to bed by his father.
Five minutes later….”Da-ad….”
“What?”
“I’m thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?”
“No. You had your chance. Lights out.”
Five minutes later…
“Da-aaaad…..”
“WHAT?”
“I’m THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??”
“I told you NO!” If you ask again, I’ll have to spank you!!”
Five minutes later…
“Daaaa-aaaad…..”
“WHAT!”
“When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?”
Little Johnny and Suzy have nothing to do one day while in the house playing. All of a sudden, Johnny gets this great idea. “Let’s take turns sliding down the banister rail!” he suggests.
“Oh no,” answers Suzy, “That is way too scary.”
“No, it is not,” says Johnny, “it will be fun!” He proceeds to the top of the stairs. The banister rail is long and very smooth with a beautiful big marble ball at its base. Johnny climbs on and down he goes, squealing with excitement as he goes. He jumps off just before he gets to the marble ball at the bottom. “That was great,” he says. “Come on, you try now.”
Suzy still is not quite sure that this is such a good idea. “No,” she says, “It looks too scary.
”
“No, it is not,” said Johnny, and away he goes again to the top of the stairs. He climbs on and down he goes again, having just as much fun as he did the first time. He jumps off just before the marble ball at the bottom. “You gotta try this, it is the best!” urges Johnny. Well, little Suzy is not one to stay scared for very long and this really does look like fun, so she agrees. To the top of the stairs she goes. She straddles the banister rail, and slowly lets go with her hands. Down she goes, a lot faster than she expected. WHAM! Right into the marble ball at the bottom.
Little Suzy starts to cry and almost falls off the banister rail. When Johnny sees her so upset, crying ever harder and holding her groin where she collided with the marble ball, he gets a little scared that maybe she has really hurt herself.
“Maybe you had better let me see,” suggests Little Johnny. So Suzy lifts her little dress and pulls down her panties. Little Johnny’s face goes pale white. “OH, NO!” he shouts. “This is horrible! You knocked it right off!”
After having their 10th child, an Arkansas couple decided that ten was enough. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn’t want to have any more children. The doctor explained to him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor instructed the father to go home, get a cherry bomb, put it in a can, hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The hillbilly said to the doctor, “I may not be the smartest man, but I don’t see how putting a cherry bomb in a can next to my ear is going to help me.”
So the couple drove to Missouri to get a second opinion. The doctor was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed they were from Arkansas. This doctor also told the man to go home, get a cherry bomb, place it in a tin can, hold it next to his ear and count to 10.
Figuring that both doctors couldn’t be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count. “1, 2, 3, 4, 5…”, at which point he paused, placed the can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.