Adult Resignation

I am hereby officially tendering my resignation as an adult. I have decided I would like to accept the responsibilities of an 8 year old again.

  • I want to go to McDonald’s and think that it’s a four star restaurant.
  • I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and make ripples with rocks.
  • I want to think M&Ms are better than money because you can eat them.
  • I want to lie under a big oak tree and run a lemonade stand with my friends on a hot summer’s day.
  • I want to return to a time when life was simple.
  • All you knew was to be happy because you were blissfully unaware of all the things that should make you worried or upset.
  • I want to think the world is fair. That everyone is honest and good.
  • I want to believe that anything is possible.

So….here’s my checkbook and my car keys, my credit card bills and my 401K statements. I am officially resigning from adulthood. And if you want to discuss this further, you’ll have to catch me first, cause, “Tag! You’re it.”

Children as Pets – the Cat Years

I just realized that while children are dogs – loyal and affectionate – teenagers are cats. It’s so easy to be a dog owner. You feed it, train it, boss it around. It puts it’s head on your knee and gazes at you as if you were a Rembrandt painting. It bounds indoors
with enthusiasm when you call it.

Then around age 13, your adoring little puppy turns into a big old cat. When you tell it to come inside, it looks amazed, as if wondering who died and made you emperor. Instead of dogging your doorsteps, it disappears. You won’t see it again until it gets hungry — then it pauses on its sprint through the kitchen long enough to turn its nose up at whatever you’re serving. When you reach out to ruffle its head, in that old affectionate gesture, it twists away from you, then gives you a blank stare, as if trying to remember where it has seen you before.

You, not realizing that the dog is now a cat, think something must be desperately wrong with it. It seems so antisocial, so distant, sort of depressed. It won’t go on family outings. Since you’re the one who raised it, taught it to fetch and stay and sit on command, you assume that you did something wrong. Flooded with guilt and fear, you redouble your efforts to make your pet behave.

Only now you’re dealing with a cat, so everything that worked before now produces the opposite of the desired result. Call it, and it runs away. Tell it to sit, and it jumps on the counter. The more you go toward it, wringing your hands, the more it moves away. Instead of continuing to act like a dog owner, you can learn to behave like a cat owner. Put a dish of food near the door, and let it come to you. But remember that a cat needs your help and your affection too. Sit still, and it will come, seeking that warm, comforting lap it has not entirely forgotten. Be there to open the door for it.

One day your grown-up child will walk into the kitchen, give you a big kiss and say, “You’ve been on your feet all day. Let me get those dishes for you.” Then you’ll realize your cat is a dog again.

What You Can Learn From Your Kids

  • There is no such thing as child-proofing your house.
  • If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
  • A 4 years old’s voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
  • If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42-pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a superman cape.
  • It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.
  • When using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit.
  • A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
  • The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn’t stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
  • When you hear the toilet flush and the words ‘Uh-oh,’ it’s already too late.
  • A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock, even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
  • If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes, it does not leak-it explodes.
  • A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house 4 inches deep.
  • Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old.
  • Duplos will not.
  • ‘Play Dough’ and ‘microwave’ should never be used in the same sentence.
  • SuperGlue is forever.
  • McGyver can teach us many things we don’t want to know.
  • Ditto Tarzan.
  • No matter how much Jello you put in a swimming pool, you still can’t walk on water.
  • Pool filters do not like Jello.
  • VCR’s do not eject PB&J sandwiches, even though TV commercials show they do.
  • Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
  • Always look in the oven before you turn it on.
  • Plastic toys do not like ovens.
  • The fire department in San Diego has at least a 5 minute response time.
  • The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy.
  • It will, however, make cats dizzy.
  • Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
  • Quiet does not necessarily mean ‘don’t worry’.
  • A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life (unfortunately, mostly in retrospect).

Be A Kid Again

  • Give yourself a gold star for everything you do today.
  • Dot all your “i”‘s with smiley faces.
  • Sing into your hairbrush.
  • Grow a milk mustache.
  • Smile back at the man in the moon.
  • Read the funnies–throw the rest of the paper away.
  • Dunk your cookies.
  • Play a game where you make up the rules as you go along.
  • Order with eyes that are bigger than your stomach.
  • Open a pack of cupcakes and give one to a friend even though you wanted both of them for yourself.
  • Step carefully over sidewalk cracks.
  • Change into some play clothes.
  • Try to get someone to trade you a better sandwich.
  • Have a staring contest with your cat.
  • Eat ice cream for breakfast.
  • Kiss a frog, just in case.
  • Give someone a “hug-around-the-neck.”
  • Blow the wrapper off a straw.
  • Refuse to eat crusts.
  • Make a face the next time somebody tells you “no.”
  • Watch TV in your pajamas.
  • Ask “Why?” a lot ~ Have someone read you a story.
  • Eat dessert first.
  • Wear your favorite shirt with your favorite pants even if they don’t match.
  • Sneak some frosting off a cake.
  • Refuse to back down in a “did vs. did-not argument.
  • Do a cartwheel.
  • Get someone to buy you something you don’t really need.
  • Hide your vegetables under your napkin.
  • Stay up past your bedtime.
  • Whatever you’re doing, stop once in a while for recess.
  • Wear red gym shoes.
  • Make a “slurpy” sound with your straw when you get to the bottom of a milkshake.
  • Put way too much sugar on your cereal.
  • Play a song you like really loud, over and over.
  • Find some pretty stones and save them.
  • Let the string all the way out on your kite.
  • Walk barefoot in wet grass.
  • Make cool screeching noises every time you turn a corner.
  • Count the colors in a rainbow.
  • Fuss a little, then take a nap.
  • Take a running jump over a big puddle.
  • Eat dinner at the coffee table.
  • Giggle a lot for no real reason.

Attention Children!

The Bathroom Door is Closed.

  • Please do not stand here and talk, whine, or ask questions. Wait until I get out.
  • Yes, it is locked. I want it that way. It is not broken, I am not trapped. I know I have left it unlocked, and even open at times, since you were born, because I was afraid some horrible tragedy might occur while I was in here, but it’s been 10 years and I want some PRIVACY.
  • Do not ask me how long I will be. I will come out when I am done.
  • Do not bring the phone to the bathroom door.
  • Do not go running back to the phone yelling, “She’s in the BATHROOM!”
  • Do not begin to fight as soon as I go in.
  • Do not stick your little fingers under the door and wiggle them. This was funny when you were two, but not now.
  • Do not slide pennies, Legos, or notes under the door. Even when you were two this got a little tiresome.
  • If you have followed me down the hall talking, and are still talking as you face this closed door, please turn around, walk away, and wait for me in another room. I will be glad to listen to you when I am done.
  • And yes, I still love you.


If A Child…

  • If a child lives with criticism, he learns to condemn.
  • If a child lives with hostility, he learns to fight.
  • If a child lives with ridicule, he learns to be shy.
  • If a child lives with shame, he learns to feel guilty.
  • If a child lives tolerance, he learns to be patient.
  • If a child lives with encouragement, he learns to be confident.
  • If a child lives with praise, he learns to appreciate.
  • If a child lives with fairness, he learns justice.
  • If a child lives with security, he learns to have faith.
  • If a child lives with approval, he learns to like himself.
  • If a child lives with acceptance and friendship, he learns to find love in the world.

Political Correctness For Kids

  • Your bedroom isn’t cluttered; it’s “passage-restrictive”.
  • Kids don’t get in trouble anymore. They merely hit “social speed bumps”.
  • You’re not having a bad hair day; you’re suffering from “rebellious follicle syndrome”.
  • No one’s tall anymore. They’re “vertically enhanced”.
  • You’re not shy. You’re “conversationally selective”.
  • You don’t talk a lot. You’re just “abundantly verbal”.
  • It’s not called gossip anymore. It’s “transmission of near-factual information”.
  • The food at the school cafeteria isn’t awful. It’s “digestively challenged”.
  • Your homework isn’t missing; it’s just having an “out-of-notebook experience”
  • You’re not sleeping in class; you’re “rationing consciousness”
  • You don’t have smelly gym socks; you have “odor-retentive athletic footwear”.
  • You weren’t passing notes in class. You were “participating in the discreet exchange of penned meditations”.
  • You’re not being sent to the principal’s office. You’re “going on a mandatory field trip to the administrative building”.

Parental Observations

  • A baby usually wakes up in the wee-wee hours of the morning.
  • A child will not spill on a dirty floor.
  • A young child is a noise with dirt on it.
  • A youth becomes a man when the marks he wants to leave on the world have nothing to do with tires.
  • An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
  • Avenge yourself; live long enough to be a problem to your children.
  • Be nice to your kids, for it is they who will choose your nursing home.
  • God invented mothers because he couldn’t be everywhere at once.
  • Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.
  • Having children will turn you into your parents.
  • If a child looks like his father, that’s heredity; if he looks like a neighbor, that’s environment.
  • If you have trouble getting your children’s attention, just sit down and look comfortable.
  • It now costs more to amuse a child than it once did to educate his father.
  • It rarely occurs to teenagers that the day will come when they’ll know as little as their parents.
  • Money isn’t everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
  • Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
  • One child is often not enough, but two children can be far too many.
  • You can learn many things from children… like how much patience you have.
  • Summer vacation is a time when parents realize that teachers are grossly underpaid.
  • The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume knob also turns to the left.
  • There would be fewer problems with children if they had to chop wood to keep the television set going.
  • Those who say they “sleep like a baby” haven’t got one.

Night Monster

After putting her children to bed, a mother changed into old sweats and blouse and proceeded to wash her hair and give herself a facial. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin.

At last she wrapped a towel around her head and with cold creme on her face stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings.

As she left the room, she heard her three-year-old say with a trembling voice, “Who was THAT?”

Really Important Stuff Kids Have Taught Me

  • It’s more fun to color outside the lines.
  • If you’re going draw on the wall, do it behind the couch.
  • Ask why until you understand.
  • Hang on tight.
  • Even if you’ve been fishing for 3 hours and haven’t gotten anything except poison ivy and a sunburn, you’re still better off than the worm.
  • Make up the rules as you go along.
  • It doesn’t matter who started it.
  • Ask for sprinkles.
  • If the horse you’re drawing looks more like a dog, make it a dog.
  • Save a place in line for your friends.
  • Sometimes you have to take the test before you’ve finished studying.
  • If you want a kitten, start out asking for a horse.
  • Picking your nose when no one else is looking is still picking your nose.
  • Just keep banging until someone opens the door.
  • Making your bed is a waste of time.
  • There is no good reason why clothes have to match.
  • Even Popeye didn’t eat his spinach until he absolutely had to.
  • If your dog doesn’t like someone, you probably shouldn’t either.
  • Toads aren’t ugly, they’re just toads.
  • Don’t pop someone else’s bubble.
  • You work so hard peddling up the hill that you hate to brake on the way down.
  • If you stand on tiptoe to be measured this year, you’ll have to stand on tiptoe for the rest of your life.
  • You can’t ask to start over just because you’re losing the game.
  • Chasing the cat is more fun than catching it.
  • Make your mother proud of you.