- Thou shall not sneak out when parents are sleeping. (Why wait?)
- Thou shall not do drugz. (Alcohol lasts longer!)
- Thou shall not steal from K-Mart. (Wal*Mart has a bigger selection!)
- Thou shall not get arrested for vandalism. (Destruction has a bigger effect)
- Thou shall not steal from thy parents. (Everyone knows grandma has more money!)
- Thou shall not get into fights. (Just start them!)
- Thou shall not skip class. (Just skip the whole day!)
- Thou shall not strip in class. (Hooters pays more!)
- Thou shall not think of having sex. (As Nike says just do it!)
- Thou shall not help old ladies cross the street. (Just take them to the middle and leave them!)
I’d Love to But….
- I want to spend more time with my blender.
- The man on television told me to say tuned.
- It wouldn’t be fair to the other Beautiful People.
- I’m building a pig from a kit.
- I did my own thing and now I’ve got to undo it.
- There’s a disturbance in the Force.
- I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products.
- I’m attending the opening of my garage door.
- I’m converting my calendar watch from Julian to Gregorian.
- I’ve come down with a really horrible case of something or other.
- My plot to take over the world is thickening.
- I have to fulfill my potential.
- It’s too close to the turn of the century.
- I have some real hard words to look up in the dictionary.
- I changed the lock on my door and now I can’t get out.
- I’m uncomfortable when I’m alone or with others.
- I promised to help a friend fold road maps.
- I’m trying to be less popular.
- I have to study for a blood test.
- I have to rotate my crops.
- I prefer to remain an enigma.
- I’m trying to see how long I can go without saying yes.
- …..and, I won’t accept YES for an answer!!
You’re Really an Engineer if….
No matter what you’re current job description, you’re really an engineer if…
- choosing to buy flowers for your girlfriend or upgrading your RAM is a moral dilemma.
- you take a cruise so you can go on a personal tour of the engine room.
- the sales people at the local computer store can’t answer any of your questions.
- you bought your wife a new CD-ROM drive for her birthday.
- you can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie.
- you can type 70 words per minute but can’t read your own handwriting.
- you comment to your wife that her straight hair is collimated.
- you have saved every power cord from all your broken appliances.
- you have more friends on the Internet than in real life.
- you know what http:// stands for.
- you look forward to Christmas so you can put the kids’ toys together.
- you see a good design and still have to change it.
- you window shop at Radio Shack.
- your laptop computer costs more than your car.
- your wife hasn’t the foggiest idea of what you do at work.
- you’ve already calculated how much you make per second.
- you’ve tried to repair a $5 radio.
Surprizes on the Bob Dylan/Paul Simon Summer Tour
- Brisk ticket sales as fans realize they no longer need baby-sitters for their 40 year old children.
- Harmonica solo on “Bridge Over Troubled Water” seems to be in the wrong key.
- Audience shouts for “Sounds of Silence” every time Dylan sings.
- Applause causes Clapper-controlled light show to freak out.
- “Hey! Don’t Bogart that Viagra, dude!!”
- Updated lyrics: “EVERYbody must get stoned… besides, it helps my glaucoma!”
- Microsoft provides cutting-edge software used to translate Dylan’s vocals in real-time.
- Paul’s the neat freak prude, Bob’s the beer-guzzling slob.
- “Hyears to yeeewwww, Meeeeesuuus Rhhhobinson. Jesus luvs yeeeewwww mooorrrrrre than yeeeeewwwwww will knooooooow. O…O…O.”
- “Now raise your cell phones way up in the air, and press star 99 like you just don’t care!”
- Art Garfunkel gets chief roadie job because he’s the only one who can understand Dylan’s Chinese take-out order.
- PA announcer introduces them as Mumbly Spice and Shorty Spice.
- Simon’s emotional ballad for Bob: “Fifty Ways to Kill Your Liver”
The Ten Articles of Duct Tape
- Article I
Duct Tape cannot fix everything. I promise to refrain from trying to fix the following things with duct Tape:- The National Debt
- The San Andreas Fault
- A Broken Heart
- Article II
Duct tape should not be forced on others. Some people don’t like duct tape on their house, car, chairs, pants, shoes, gloves, tools, televisions, pets, sports gear, and farm equipment, but that’s their problem. I will learn to be more tolerant of these people and keep my duct tape to myself. - Article III
Other forms of tape are probably still necessary, even with duct tape. I am not sure for what, though. - Article IV
I should never exaggerate when telling my friends about my best duct tape stories. As a duct tape “Adhesive Solutions Engineer,” my true exploits are usually hard enough to believe, anyway. - Article V
There are some things that I should throw away, even with duct tape around. (I know that I may need to ask for help in identifying what these things might be). - Article VI
When I forget to take my duct tape with me, it’s okay… - Article VII
People that don’t use duct tape aren’t bad people — they just don’t know any better. - Article VIII
Duct tape is not all-powerful, although it has many of the same attributes as the Force — it has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the whole universe together. (“May the Duct Tape be with you.”) - Article IX
I will never misspell duct tape as duck tape… - Article X
It’s okay to admit that I need duct tape in my life — in as many colours, lengths, and widths as is possible — because nobody is perfect. In other words, everyone can use a little duct tape now and then.
Things You Don’t Want To Hear in a Department Store
- “You want to use the fitting room or try this on at my place?”
- “Check it out — this one’s good for hiding body parts.”
- “You know how we can offer such low prices? We buy direct from Wal-Mart!”
- “Try our new scent — it makes you smell just like Regis.”
- “Last night after work I got lucky on this couch.”
- “Can I take a picture of your feet for my web site?”
- “I live in a dark, greasy space under the escalator.”
- “For today only, you can pay for your purchases with hugs”
- “Have you seen a chimp in boys’ overalls?”
- “If you’re interested, I sell the same junk out of my van, half-price”
What Those Credit Card Applications Really Mean
So you have received a credit card application? You know what it says, but do know what it really means?
- What it says: “You have demonstrated financial responsibility…”
What it means: You’re breathing! - What it says: “Our membership is difficult to obtain…”
What it means: Death row prisoners are not eligible… in most states! - What it says: “We have shortened the application process…”
What it means: “We need lots of new members fast or we’ll go out of business!” - What it says: “You have no predetermined credit limit…”
What it means: “We’re not worried, we employ the Break Your Legs collection agency.” - What it says: “Exceptional Customer Service…”
What it means: Except when you need it! - What it says: “Trained customer representatives await your call…”
What it means: “This is the part you talk into, and this is where you listen. Any questions?” - What it says: “To apply for membership, fill out this short form…”
What it means: You’ll get the long form later. - What it says: “You may direct us not to share this information with anyone else…”
What it means: “Catch us, if you can!” - What it says: “We look forward to receiving your completed application…”
What it means: “We baited the hook, let’s see if anyone bites!” - What it says: “You’ve been pre-approved…”
What it means: “You’ve been pre-approved to be Rejected!” or “We’ve already prepared your letter of denial”
Creative Ways to Say Someone is Stupid
- A few clowns short of a circus.
- A few fries short of a Happy Meal.
- An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
- A few beers short of a six-pack.
- Dumber than a box of hair.
- A few peas short of a casserole.
- Doesn’t have all her cornflakes in one box.
- The wheel’s spinning, but the hamster’s dead.
- One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl.
- One taco short of a combination plate.
- A few feathers short of a whole duck.
- All foam, no beer.
- The cheese slid off her cracker.
- Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.
- Couldn’t pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
- He fell out of the Stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
- An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
- As smart as bait.
- Chimney’s clogged.
- Doesn’t have all his dogs on one leash.
- Doesn’t know much but leads the league in nostril hair.
- Elevator doesn’t go all the way to the top floor.
- Forgot to pay her brain bill.
- Her sewing machine’s out of thread.
- His antenna doesn’t pick up all the channels.
- His belt doesn’t go through all the loops.
- If she had another brain, it would be lonely.
- Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
- No grain in the silo.
- Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
- Receiver is off the hook.
- Several nuts short of a full pouch.
- Skylight leaks a little.
- Slinky’s kinked.
- Surfing in Nebraska.
- Too much yardage between the goal posts.
- Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
- The lights are on, but nobody’s home.
- 24 cents short of a quarter.
Signs the Ice Cream Truck Driver is Crazy
- Number of kills clearly marked on the side of his truck.
- He’s paranoid because he’s “always being followed by someone disguised as little children.”
- His route takes him down your street at precisely 3:30 am every morning.
- Comes to work wearing only a strategically placed waffle cone.
- Happy calliope music replaced with Mozart’s “Requiem.”
- On Tuesdays, drives backwards and demands ice cream from little kids.
- Ice cream sandwiches come with alfalfa sprouts, Dijon mustard and a pickle.
- “Ice cream! Get your… HEY, YOU GET THE HELL AWAY FROM MY TRUCK! …..Ice cream, get your ice cream!…”
Useful Conversions
For those who thought the hardest part of Physics 101 was the constant conversion from feet and inches to the metric system, including all its Newtons, Joules, and Watts, here are some other useful conversions:
- Ratio of an igloo’s circumference to its diameter
Eskimo Pi - 2000 pounds of Chinese soup
Won ton - 1 millionth of a mouthwash
1 microscope - Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement
1 bananosecond - Weight an evangelist carries with God
1 billigram - Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour
Knot-furlong - 65.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer because it’s less filling
1 lite year - 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone
1 Rod Serling - Half of a large intestine
1 semicolon - 1000 aches
1 megahurtz - Basic unit of laryngitis
1 hoarsepower - Shortest distance between two jokes
A straight line - 454 graham crackers
1 pound cake - 1 million-million microphones
1 megaphone - 1 million bicycles
2 megacycles - 2000 mockingbirds
two kilomockingbirds - 10 cards
1 decacards - 1 kilogram of falling figs
1 Fig Newton - 1000 grams of wet socks
1 literhosen - 1 millionth of a fish
1 microfiche - 1 trillion pins
1 terrapin - 10 rations
1 decoration - 100 rations
1 C-ration - 2 monograms
1 diagram - 8 nickels
2 paradigms - 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital
1 I.V. League - 100 Senators
Not 1 decision.