The Worst Excuses for Being Late for Work

  • “Actually, I’ve been here for over 20 minutes, big guy — I was just out chillin’ in the van waiting for the end of the live version of ‘Freebird’.”
  • “I keep forgetting which side of the International Date Line you’re on.”
  • “We’re *open* on Tuesdays?!?”
  • “It took this long to get the ol’ blood alcohol level down to the legal driving limit.”
  • “I had to take extra time this morning to wrestle with overwhelming aggressive impulses by reassuring myself that nothing would happen today that would push me over the edge.”
  • “My proctologist got stuck.”
  • “It was Senator Kennedy’s turn to drive today, so I’ve spent the last hour swimming.”
  • “I’m late because I was on the phone trying to get *your* lousy shipping department to send the company’s office supplies directly to the winner of my eBay auction.”
  • “Hey, time becomes meaningless when you’re as strung out on crystal meth as I am.”
  • “Sorry, Sir. I overslept and dreamt I had a dead-end job, a windowless office and a humorless baboon for a boss.”
  • “Heidi Klum refused to untie me.”
  • “On the second Tuesday of the month, the Campho-Phenique man comes by to fill the drum for my home supply of industrial-strength anti-canker sore gel.”
  • “I’m sorry, boss, but I had to stop to get you — uh — this box of ten donuts.”
  • “It took me a little longer than normal to hide my disdain this morning… Sir.”
  • “My dog ate my presentation, sir. And by ‘my dog’ I mean your wife, and by ‘ate my presentation’ I mean ‘was boinking me’.”
  • “These are not the ‘droids you’re looking for.”

No Excuse Sunday

To make it possible for everyone to attend church on Sunday, we are proposing to have a special ‘No Excuse Sunday.’

  1. Cots will be placed in the foyer for those who say, ‘Sunday is my only day to sleep in.’
  2. They will have steel helmets for those who say, ‘The roof will cave in if I ever came to church.’
  3. Blankets will be furnished for those who say it is too cold and fans for those who say it is too hot.
  4. There will be hearing aids for those who say, ‘The paster speaks too softly,’ and cotton for those who say, ‘He preaches too loudly.’
  5. Scorecards will be available for those who wish to list the hypocrites present.
  6. Some relatives will be in attendance for those who like to go visiting on Sunday.
  7. There will be TV dinners for those who can’t go to church and cook dinner too.
  8. Golf clubs will be available for practice swings for those who like to golf on Sunday.

I’d Love to But….

  • I want to spend more time with my blender.
  • The man on television told me to say tuned.
  • It wouldn’t be fair to the other Beautiful People.
  • I’m building a pig from a kit.
  • I did my own thing and now I’ve got to undo it.
  • There’s a disturbance in the Force.
  • I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products.
  • I’m attending the opening of my garage door.
  • I’m converting my calendar watch from Julian to Gregorian.
  • I’ve come down with a really horrible case of something or other.
  • My plot to take over the world is thickening.
  • I have to fulfill my potential.
  • It’s too close to the turn of the century.
  • I have some real hard words to look up in the dictionary.
  • I changed the lock on my door and now I can’t get out.
  • I’m uncomfortable when I’m alone or with others.
  • I promised to help a friend fold road maps.
  • I’m trying to be less popular.
  • I have to study for a blood test.
  • I have to rotate my crops.
  • I prefer to remain an enigma.
  • I’m trying to see how long I can go without saying yes.
  • …..and, I won’t accept YES for an answer!!