How Many Roads…

New Words to an old Dylan Song:

How many roads must a man drive down
Before he admits he is lost
Why when a man becomes married is he
unable to find his own socks.

How many times will it take ’til he knows
he has seen the three stooges enough

The answer my friend, I cannot comprehend
The answer, I cannot comprehend

How many shows can a man surf through
before the remote burns out
Why does he think that an intimate gift
is a Dustbuster Plus for the house

How many sounds can a man’s body make
before he sleeps on the couch

The answer my friend, is take two aspirin
The answer is take two aspirin

Why when we go for a romantic drive
do we wind up at Builder’s Square again
How many nights will he leave the seat up
so I land on cold porcelain

How men really feel is mystery to me
and probably a mystery to them

The answer girlfriend is driving me to gin
The answer is driving me to gin.

Surprizes on the Bob Dylan/Paul Simon Summer Tour

  • Brisk ticket sales as fans realize they no longer need baby-sitters for their 40 year old children.
  • Harmonica solo on “Bridge Over Troubled Water” seems to be in the wrong key.
  • Audience shouts for “Sounds of Silence” every time Dylan sings.
  • Applause causes Clapper-controlled light show to freak out.
  • “Hey! Don’t Bogart that Viagra, dude!!”
  • Updated lyrics: “EVERYbody must get stoned… besides, it helps my glaucoma!”
  • Microsoft provides cutting-edge software used to translate Dylan’s vocals in real-time.
  • Paul’s the neat freak prude, Bob’s the beer-guzzling slob.
  • “Hyears to yeeewwww, Meeeeesuuus Rhhhobinson. Jesus luvs yeeeewwww mooorrrrrre than yeeeeewwwwww will knooooooow. O…O…O.”
  • “Now raise your cell phones way up in the air, and press star 99 like you just don’t care!”
  • Art Garfunkel gets chief roadie job because he’s the only one who can understand Dylan’s Chinese take-out order.
  • PA announcer introduces them as Mumbly Spice and Shorty Spice.
  • Simon’s emotional ballad for Bob: “Fifty Ways to Kill Your Liver”