Tag Archives: pregnant

Pregnancy

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A couple just started their Lamaze class and they were given an activity requiring the husband to wear a bag of sand — to give him an idea of what it feels like to be pregnant. The husband stood up and shrugged saying, “This doesn’t feel so bad.”

The Lamaze instructor then dropped a pen and asked the husband to pick it up.

“You want me to pick up the pen as if I were pregnant, the way my wife would do it?” the husband asked.

“Exactly,” replied the instructor.

To the delight of the other husbands, he turned to his wife and said, “Honey, pick up that pen for me.”

Look Up Before You Sit Down

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A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus. Then she noticed a young man smiling at her. She began feeling humiliated on account of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more amused. She moved again and then on her fourth move he burst out laughing. She had him arrested.

Then the case came before the court, the young man was asked why he acted in such a manner. His reply was: “When the lady boarded the bus I couldn’t help noticing she was pregnant. She sat under an advertisement which read “Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins”, then she moved under one that read “Sloans Liniments remove swelling”. I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving advertisement which read “William’s Stick Did The Trick”. Then I could not control myself any longer when on the fourth move she sat under an advertisement which read “Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident.”

The case was dismissed.

Ways Life Would Change If Men Got Pregnant

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  • Maternity leave would last two years…with full pay!
  • There’d be a cure for stretch marks.
  • Natural childbirth would become obsolete. {Eg: You want me to push this through WHAT?!!}
  • Morning sickness would rank as the nation’s No. 1 health problem.
  • All methods of birth control would be improved to 100% effectiveness.
  • Children would be kept in the hospital until they were toilet-trained and over the “Terrible Twos.”
  • Men would be eager to talk about commitment.
  • They wouldn’t think twins were quite so cute.
  • Fathers would demand that their sons be home from dates by 10 p.m.
  • Men could use their briefcases as diaper bags.
  • They’d stay in bed for the entire nine months.
  • Menus at most restaurants would list ice cream and pickles as an entree.
  • Women would rule the world.

Fatal Things to Say If Your Wife is Pregnant

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  • “I finished the Oreos.”
  • “Not to imply anything, but I don’t think the kid weighs forty pounds.”
  • “Y’know, looking at her, you’d never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby..!!”
  • “I sure hope your thighs aren’t gonna stay that flabby forever!”
  • “Well, couldn’t they induce labor? The 25th is the Super Bowl.”
  • “Darned if you ain’t about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella.”
  • “Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!”
  • “Are your ankles supposed to look like that?”
  • “Get your *own* ice cream.”
  • “Geez, you’re awfully puffy looking today.”
  • “Got milk?”
  • “Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney.”
  • “You don’t have the guts to pull the trigger…”