Some Twisted Sayings

  • Dyslexics have more fnu
  • Clones are people, two
  • Entropy isn’t what it used to be
  • Microbiology Lab: Staph Only!
  • Santa’s elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses
  • Eschew obfuscation
  • 186,000 miles/sec: Not just a good idea, it’s the LAW!
  • Air Pollution is a mist-demeanor
  • Anything free is worth what you pay for it
  • Atheism is a non-prophet organization
  • COLE’S LAW: Thinly sliced cabbage
  • Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
  • Editing is a rewording activity
  • Help stamp out and eradicate superfluous redundancy
  • I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure
  • My reality check just bounced
  • Rap is to music, what Etch-a-Sketch is to art
  • What if there were no hypothetical questions?
  • Energizer bunny arrested, charged with battery
  • No sense being pessimistic, it probably wouldn’t work anyway
  • Boycott shampoo… Demand REAL poo!
  • IRS – Be audit you can be

Expressions for High Stress Days

  • You! Off my planet!!
  • Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we?
  • Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
  • Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
  • And your crybaby whiny-arsed opinion would be…?
  • I’m not crazy, I’ve just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
  • Allow me to introduce my selves.
  • Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
  • Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
  • Do they ever shut up on your planet?
  • I’m just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.
  • I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.
  • Stress is when you wake up screaming, and you realize you weren’t asleep.
  • I can’t remember if I’m the good twin or the evil one.
  • How many times do I have to flush before you go away.
  • I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
  • You say I’m a bitch like it’s a bad thing.
  • Can I trade this job for what’s behind door #2?
  • Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
  • Chaos, panic and disorder – my work here is done.
  • Everyone thinks I’m psychotic, except for my friends deep inside the earth.
  • Earth is full. Go home.
  • Is it time for your medication or mine?
  • Aw, did I step on your poor little itty bitty ego?
  • How do I set a laser printer to stun.
  • I’m not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
  • When I want your opinion, I’ll give it to you.
  • Your village called, their idiot is missing.

Food For Thought

  • Two wrongs don’t make a right, but two Wrights made an airplane.
  • It’s not the pace of life that concerns me, it’s the sudden stop at the end.
  • The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
  • It’s hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere.
  • Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.
  • The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you’re in the bathroom.
  • If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
  • Never knock on Death’s door; ring the doorbell and run (he hates that).
  • Lead me not into temptation (I can find the way myself).
  • When you’re finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess?
  • If you’re living on the edge, make sure you’re wearing your seat belt.
  • The mind is like a parachute; it works much better when it’s open.
  • Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive, anyway.
  • Life is sexually transmitted.
  • Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.
  • There are two kinds of pedestrians…the quick and the dead.
  • An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
  • A closed mouth gathers no feet.
  • Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
  • It’s not hard to meet expenses…they’re everywhere.
  • Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better attorney.
  • The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
  • Failure is not getting knocked down… It’s not getting back up!
  • Accept that some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue.
  • I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn’t looking good either.
  • Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, “Where the heck is the ceiling?!”
  • On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
  • Someday we’ll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.
  • There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.
  • Good news is just life’s way of keeping you off balance.
  • Carelessly planned projects take three times longer to complete than expected. Carefully planned projects take four times longer to complete than expected, mostly because the planners expect their planning to reduce the time it takes.
  • Stupidity got us into this mess-why can’t it get us out?
  • Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.
  • People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first.
  • I don’t mind going nowhere as long as it’s an interesting path.
  • Indecision is the key to flexibility.
  • In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
  • I considered atheism but there weren’t enough holidays.
  • I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it.
  • Dijon vu-the same mustard as before.
  • My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.
  • I am having an out of money experience.
  • I plan on living forever. So far, so good.
  • Not afraid of heights – afraid of widths.

Some of My Favorite Phrases

  • How about never? Is never good for you?
  • I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.
  • I’m not being rude. You’re just insignificant.
  • I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
  • No, my powers can only be used for good.
  • I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter.
  • I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message…
  • I don’t work here. I’m a consultant.
  • It sounds like English, but I can’t understand a word you’re saying.
  • You sound reasonable… Time to up the medication.
  • I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
  • You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
  • I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don’t give a damn.
  • I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
  • I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
  • Thank you. We’re all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
  • The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re an artist.
  • What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
  • Illiterate? Write for Help!

Ever Wonder the Truth?

  • A careful study of economics usually reveals that the best time to buy anything is last year.
  • A perfectionist is one who takes great pains, and gives them to everyone else.
  • A picture may be worth a thousand words but it uses up a thousand times more memory.
  • Accomplishing the impossible means only the boss will add it to your regular duties.
  • Character is like a fence – it cannot be strengthened by whitewash.
  • Grandma’s advice: Do your best and leave the rest.
  • In the 60s people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
  • Insanity is my only means of relaxation.
  • Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
  • My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.
  • No one should live by the early bird policy without finding out whether he classifies as a bird or a worm.
  • Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.
  • The measure of a man’s intelligence is inversely proportional to the amount of time he keeps his mouth open.
  • The trouble with staying at home is you never find out just how good it is to get back.
  • When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Usually, that individual is crazy

Your Daily Moment of Zen

  • Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Leave me alone.
  • The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
  • It’s always darkest before dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.
  • Sex is like air. It’s not important unless you aren’t getting any.
  • Don’t be irreplaceable. If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.
  • No one is listening until you make a mistake.
  • Always remember you’re unique. Just like everyone else.
  • Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
  • It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
  • It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.
  • If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
  • Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.
  • If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
  • Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
  • If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
  • Don’t squat with your spurs on.
  • If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.
  • If you drink, don’t park; accidents cause people.
  • Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.
  • Don’t worry, it only seems kinky the first time.
  • Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
  • The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
  • Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
  • Duct tape is like ‘the force’. It has a light side & a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
  • There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
  • Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when your mouth is moving.
  • Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
  • Never miss a good chance to shut up.
  • We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.

Phrases You Can Use in a Myriad of Business Situations

  • Thank you. We’re all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
  • The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re an artist.
  • I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.
  • Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
  • I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don’t give a damn.
  • I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
  • What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
  • I’m not being rude. You’re just insignificant.
  • I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
  • Ahhh…I see the f**k-up fairy has visited us again…
  • I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
  • It’s a thankless job, but I’ve got a lot of Karma to burn off.
  • Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
  • No, my powers can only be used for good.
  • How about never? Is never good for you?
  • I’m really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
  • You sound reasonable…Time to up my medication.
  • I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter.
  • I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message…
  • I don’t work here. I’m a consultant.
  • Who me? I just wander from room to room.
  • My toys! My toys! I can’t do this job without my toys!
  • It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m really quite busy.
  • At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.
  • You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
  • I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
  • Someday, we’ll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.

Aphorisms

  • 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
  • Deja Moo: The feeling that you’ve heard this bull before.
  • The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
  • Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
  • If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
  • Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.
  • Eagles may soar, but weasels aren’t sucked into jet engines.
  • If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
  • Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
  • For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
  • Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
  • To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
  • Two wrongs are only the beginning.
  • The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.
  • A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
  • If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.
  • Change is inevitable…. except from vending machines.
  • Don’t sweat petty things…. or pet sweaty things.
  • Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
  • It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

Mother Says

Throughout the centuries, mothers have been given their children plenty of good advice and notable quotes. Here’s just a small sampling:

  • PAUL REVERE’S MOTHER: “I don’t care where you think you have to go, young man. Midnight is past your curfew!”
  • MARY, MARY, QUITE CONTRARY’S MOTHER: “I don’t mind you having a garden, Mary, but does it have to be growing under your bed?”
  • MONA LISA’S MOTHER: “After all that money your father and I spent on braces, Mona, that’s the biggest smile you can give us?”
  • HUMPTY DUMPTY’S MOTHER: “Humpty, If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a hundred times not to sit on that wall. But would you listen to me? Noooo!”
  • COLUMBUS’ MOTHER: “I don’t care what you’ve discovered, Christopher. You still could have written!”
  • BABE RUTH’S MOTHER: “Babe, how many times have I told you — quit playing ball in the house! That’s the third broken
    window this week!”
  • MICHELANGELO’S MOTHER: “Mike, can’t you paint on walls like other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?”
  • NAPOLEON’S MOTHER: “All right, Napoleon. If you aren’t hiding your report card inside your jacket, then take your hand out of there and prove it!”
  • CUSTER’S MOTHER: “Now, George, remember what I told you — don’t go biting off more than you can chew!”
  • ABRAHAM LINCOLN’S MOTHER: “Again with the stovepipe hat, Abe? Can’t you just wear a baseball cap like the other kids?”
  • BARNEY’S MOTHER: “I realize strained plums are your favorite, Barney, but you’re starting to look a little purple.”
  • MARY’S MOTHER: “I’m not upset that your lamb followed you to school, Mary, but I would like to know how he got a better grade than you.”
  • BATMAN’S MOTHER: “It’s a nice car, Bruce, but do you realize how much the insurance is going to be?”
  • GOLDILOCKS’ MOTHER: “I’ve got a bill here for a busted chair from the Bear family. You know anything about this, Goldie?”
  • LITTLE MISS MUFFET’S MOTHER: “Well, all I’ve got to say is if you don’t get off your tuffet and start cleaning your room, there’ll be a lot more spiders around here!”
  • ALBERT EINSTEIN’S MOTHER: “But, Albert, it’s your senior picture. Can’t you do something about your hair? Styling gel, mousse, something…?”
  • GEORGE WASHINGTON’S MOTHER: “The next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!”
  • JONAH’S MOTHER: “That’s a nice story, but now tell me where you’ve really been for the last three days.”
  • SUPERMAN’S MOTHER: “Clark, your father and I have discussed it, and we’ve decided you can have your own telephone line. Now will you quit spending so much time in all those phone booths?”
  • THOMAS EDISON’S MOTHER: “Of course I’m proud that you invented the electric light bulb, Thomas. Now turn off that light and get to bed!”

My Dad Always Says…

  • If it ain’t broke, fix it till it is.
  • I don’t get even, I get odder.
  • I am having an out of money experience.
  • I am in shape. Round is a shape.
  • I’m not afraid of heights, I’m afraid of widths.
  • Practice safe eating, always use condiments.
  • Anything free is worth what you pay for it.
  • Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.
  • It hurts to be on the cutting edge.
  • If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.
  • If it weren’t for me, there’d just be a pile of my clothes on the floor.
  • I am not a perfectionist. My parents were though.