Two wrongs don’t make a right, but two Wrights made an airplane.
It’s not the pace of life that concerns me, it’s the sudden stop at the end.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
It’s hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere.
Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.
The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you’re in the bathroom.
If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
Never knock on Death’s door; ring the doorbell and run (he hates that).
Lead me not into temptation (I can find the way myself).
When you’re finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess?
If you’re living on the edge, make sure you’re wearing your seat belt.
The mind is like a parachute; it works much better when it’s open.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive, anyway.
Life is sexually transmitted.
Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.
There are two kinds of pedestrians…the quick and the dead.
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
It’s not hard to meet expenses…they’re everywhere.
Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better attorney.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
Failure is not getting knocked down… It’s not getting back up!
Accept that some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue.
I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn’t looking good either.
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, “Where the heck is the ceiling?!”
On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
Someday we’ll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.
There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.
Good news is just life’s way of keeping you off balance.
Carelessly planned projects take three times longer to complete than expected. Carefully planned projects take four times longer to complete than expected, mostly because the planners expect their planning to reduce the time it takes.
Stupidity got us into this mess-why can’t it get us out?
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.
People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first.
I don’t mind going nowhere as long as it’s an interesting path.
Indecision is the key to flexibility.
In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
I considered atheism but there weren’t enough holidays.
I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it.