- If it ain’t broke, fix it till it is.
- I don’t get even, I get odder.
- I am having an out of money experience.
- I am in shape. Round is a shape.
- I’m not afraid of heights, I’m afraid of widths.
- Practice safe eating, always use condiments.
- Anything free is worth what you pay for it.
- Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.
- It hurts to be on the cutting edge.
- If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.
- If it weren’t for me, there’d just be a pile of my clothes on the floor.
- I am not a perfectionist. My parents were though.
Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my sanity to keep.
For if some peace I do not find,
I’m pretty sure I’ll lose my mind.
I pray I find a little quiet
Far from the daily family riot.
May I lie back–not have to think
about what they’re stuffing down the sink,
or who they’re with, or where they’re at
and what they’re doing to the cat.
I pray for time all to myself
(did something just fall off a shelf?)
To cuddle in my nice, soft bed
(Oh no, another goldfish–dead!)
Some silent moments for goodness sake
(Did I just hear a window break?)
And that I need not cook or clean–
(well heck, I’ve got the right to dream)
Yes now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my wits about me keep,
But as I look around I know–
I must have lost them long ago!
- Don’t ask me, ask your mother.
- Close that door!
- Were you raised in a barn?
- You didn’t beat me. I let you win.
- Big boys don’t cry.
- Don’t worry. It’s only blood.
- Don’t you know any normal boys?
- Now you listen to ME, Buster!
- I’ll play catch after I read the paper.
- Coffee will stunt your growth.
- A little dirt never hurt anyone, just wipe it off..
- Get your elbows off the table!
- I told you, keep your eye on the ball.
- Who said life was supposed to be fair?
- Always say please and thank you. That way, you get more.
- If you forget, you’ll be grounded till the end of the world.
- You call that a haircut??
- “Hey” is for horses.
- This will hurt me a lot more than it hurts you.
- Turn off those lights.
- Do you think I am made of money?
- Don’t give me any of your lip, young lady!
- You call that noise “music?”
- We’re not lost. I’m just not sure where we are.
- No, we’re not there yet.
- Shake it off. It’s only pain.
- When I was your age, I treated MY father with respect.
- As long as you live under my roof, you’ll live by my rules.
- I’ll tell you why. Because I said so. That’s why!
- Do what I say, not what I do.
- Sit up straight, knucklehead!
- So you think you’re smart, do you?
- What’s so funny? Wipe that smile off your face.
- Young ladies do not sweat; they perspire.
- If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a thousand times.
- C’mon, you throw like a girl.
- You want something to do? I’ll give you something to do.
- You should visit more often. Your mother worries.
- This is your last warning!
- If you shake it more than three times, you’re playing with it.
- What are your intentions with my daughter?
- I’d better get a good report, or you better head to Mexico.
- I’m not sleeping, I was watching that channel.
- What keeps those jeans of yours from falling off?
- I’m not just talking to hear my own voice!
- Don’t believe anything you hear and only half of what you see.
- What do you think I am, a bank?
- What part of NO don’t you understand?
- I don’t care what other people are doing! I’m not everybody else’s Father!
- You’re not leaving my house dressed like that! What will other parents think?
- Could those sleeves be any longer? You look like a bag lady!
- Headache remedy: Put your head through the window, and the pain will be gone.
- Worrying about things you can’t change is like a rocking chair…
- it gives you something to do, but it doesn’t get you anywhere.
- I feel for you, but I can’t reach you from here.
- If you’re gonna be dumb, you’ve gotta be tough.
- Didn’t your teacher learn you anything?!
- You can marry a rich guy just as easily as you can a poor guy.
- It’s hard to be good, and easy to be bad.
- If you’re going to steal a car, at least make it a Cadillac (but don’t call me asking for bail.)
- Don’t tell on anybody unless you tell on yourself first.
- Hey, did you hear me talking to you?
- You know you’re always gonna be Daddy’s little girl.
- I’m not watching television. I’m resting my eyes.
- Don’t use that tone with me!
- Am I talking to a brick wall?
- If I catch you doing that one more time, I’ll..
- Act your age.
- Two wrongs do not make a right.
- Wipe your feet!
- Enough is enough!
- Don’t make me stop the car!
- What did I just get finished telling you?
A small boy is sent to bed by his father.
Five minutes later….”Da-ad….”
“I’m thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?”
“No. You had your chance. Lights out.”
Five minutes later…
“I’m THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??”
“I told you NO!” If you ask again, I’ll have to spank you!!”
Five minutes later…
“When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?”
- Well, how ’bout that?… I’m lost! Looks like we’ll have to stop and ask for directions.
- You know Pumpkin, now that you’re thirteen, you’ll be ready for unchaperoned car dates. Won’t that be fun?
- I noticed that all your friends have a certain “up yours” attitude … I like that.
- Here’s a credit card and the keys to my new car — GO CRAZY.
- What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating not good enough for you, son?
- Your Mother and I are going away for the weekend … you might want to consider throwing a party.
- Well, I don’t know what’s wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey thingies — you know — that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks.
- No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring — now quit your belly-aching, and let’s go to the mall.
- Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend.
- Father’s Day? aahh — don’t worry about that — it’s no big deal.