My Dad Always Says…

  • If it ain’t broke, fix it till it is.
  • I don’t get even, I get odder.
  • I am having an out of money experience.
  • I am in shape. Round is a shape.
  • I’m not afraid of heights, I’m afraid of widths.
  • Practice safe eating, always use condiments.
  • Anything free is worth what you pay for it.
  • Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.
  • It hurts to be on the cutting edge.
  • If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.
  • If it weren’t for me, there’d just be a pile of my clothes on the floor.
  • I am not a perfectionist. My parents were though.

A Poem for Moms and Dads

Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my sanity to keep.
For if some peace I do not find,
I’m pretty sure I’ll lose my mind.
I pray I find a little quiet
Far from the daily family riot.
May I lie back–not have to think
about what they’re stuffing down the sink,
or who they’re with, or where they’re at
and what they’re doing to the cat.
I pray for time all to myself
(did something just fall off a shelf?)
To cuddle in my nice, soft bed
(Oh no, another goldfish–dead!)
Some silent moments for goodness sake
(Did I just hear a window break?)
And that I need not cook or clean–
(well heck, I’ve got the right to dream)
Yes now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my wits about me keep,
But as I look around I know–
I must have lost them long ago!

Father’s Lexicon

  • Don’t ask me, ask your mother.
  • Close that door!
  • Were you raised in a barn?
  • You didn’t beat me. I let you win.
  • Big boys don’t cry.
  • Don’t worry. It’s only blood.
  • Don’t you know any normal boys?
  • Now you listen to ME, Buster!
  • I’ll play catch after I read the paper.
  • Coffee will stunt your growth.
  • A little dirt never hurt anyone, just wipe it off..
  • Get your elbows off the table!
  • I told you, keep your eye on the ball.
  • Who said life was supposed to be fair?
  • Always say please and thank you. That way, you get more.
  • If you forget, you’ll be grounded till the end of the world.
  • You call that a haircut??
  • “Hey” is for horses.
  • This will hurt me a lot more than it hurts you.
  • Turn off those lights.
  • Do you think I am made of money?
  • Don’t give me any of your lip, young lady!
  • You call that noise “music?”
  • We’re not lost. I’m just not sure where we are.
  • No, we’re not there yet.
  • Shake it off. It’s only pain.
  • When I was your age, I treated MY father with respect.
  • As long as you live under my roof, you’ll live by my rules.
  • I’ll tell you why. Because I said so. That’s why!
  • Do what I say, not what I do.
  • Sit up straight, knucklehead!
  • So you think you’re smart, do you?
  • What’s so funny? Wipe that smile off your face.
  • Young ladies do not sweat; they perspire.
  • If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a thousand times.
  • C’mon, you throw like a girl.
  • You want something to do? I’ll give you something to do.
  • You should visit more often. Your mother worries.
  • This is your last warning!
  • If you shake it more than three times, you’re playing with it.
  • What are your intentions with my daughter?
  • I’d better get a good report, or you better head to Mexico.
  • I’m not sleeping, I was watching that channel.
  • What keeps those jeans of yours from falling off?
  • I’m not just talking to hear my own voice!
  • Don’t believe anything you hear and only half of what you see.
  • What do you think I am, a bank?
  • What part of NO don’t you understand?
  • I don’t care what other people are doing! I’m not everybody else’s Father!
  • You’re not leaving my house dressed like that! What will other parents think?
  • Could those sleeves be any longer? You look like a bag lady!
  • Headache remedy: Put your head through the window, and the pain will be gone.
  • Worrying about things you can’t change is like a rocking chair…
  • it gives you something to do, but it doesn’t get you anywhere.
  • I feel for you, but I can’t reach you from here.
  • If you’re gonna be dumb, you’ve gotta be tough.
  • Didn’t your teacher learn you anything?!
  • You can marry a rich guy just as easily as you can a poor guy.
  • It’s hard to be good, and easy to be bad.
  • If you’re going to steal a car, at least make it a Cadillac (but don’t call me asking for bail.)
  • Don’t tell on anybody unless you tell on yourself first.
  • Hey, did you hear me talking to you?
  • You know you’re always gonna be Daddy’s little girl.
  • I’m not watching television. I’m resting my eyes.
  • Don’t use that tone with me!
  • Am I talking to a brick wall?
  • If I catch you doing that one more time, I’ll..
  • Act your age.
  • Two wrongs do not make a right.
  • Wipe your feet!
  • Enough is enough!
  • Don’t make me stop the car!
  • What did I just get finished telling you?


A small boy is sent to bed by his father.

Five minutes later….”Da-ad….”


“I’m thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?”

“No. You had your chance. Lights out.”

Five minutes later…



“I’m THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??”

“I told you NO!” If you ask again, I’ll have to spank you!!”

Five minutes later…



“When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?”

Things You’ll Never Hear a Dad Say

  • Well, how ’bout that?… I’m lost! Looks like we’ll have to stop and ask for directions.
  • You know Pumpkin, now that you’re thirteen, you’ll be ready for unchaperoned car dates. Won’t that be fun?
  • I noticed that all your friends have a certain “up yours” attitude … I like that.
  • Here’s a credit card and the keys to my new car — GO CRAZY.
  • What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating not good enough for you, son?
  • Your Mother and I are going away for the weekend … you might want to consider throwing a party.
  • Well, I don’t know what’s wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey thingies — you know — that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks.
  • No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring — now quit your belly-aching, and let’s go to the mall.
  • Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend.
  • Father’s Day? aahh — don’t worry about that — it’s no big deal.