Dear Santa

Dear Santa,

You must be surprised that I’m writing to you today, the 26th of December. Well, I would very much like to clear up certain things that have occurred since the beginning of the month, when, filled with illusion, I wrote you my letter. I asked for a bicycle, an electric train set, a pair of roller blades, and a football uniform. I destroyed my brain studying the whole year. Not only was I the first in my class, but I had the best grades in the whole school.

I’m not going to lie to you, there was no one in my entire neighborhood that behaved better than me, with my parents, my brothers, my friends, and with my neighbors. I would go on errands, and even help the elderly cross the street. There was virtually nothing within reach that I would not do for humanity.

What balls do you have leaving me a f**king yo-yo, a stupid whistle and a pair of socks. What the f**k were you thinking, you fat son of a bitch, that you’ve taken me for a sucker the whole f**king year to come out with some shit like this under the tree. As if you hadn’t f**ked me enough, you gave that little faggot across the street so many toys that he can’t even walk into his house.

Please don’t let me see you trying to fit your big fat ass down my chimney next year. I’ll f**k you up. I’ll throw rocks at those stupid reindeer and scare them away so you’ll have to walk back to the f**king North Pole, just like what I have to do now since you didn’t get me that f**king bike. F**K YOU SANTA. Next year you’ll find out how bad I can be, you FAT-SON-OF-A-BITCH.

Little Johnny


The minister, all fired up because of recent obvious problems of infidelity, shouted out, “I want everyone who has been he-ing and she-ing to stand up!” Half of his congregation stood up.

He then shouted out, “I want everyone who has been he-ing and he-ing to stand up!” A couple of men stood up.

He then shouted out, “I want everyone who has been she-ing and she-ing to stand up!” Several women stood up.

The minister looked over his congregation and noticed that everyone was standing except Little Johnnie. The minister shouted out, “Brothers and Sisters, look at Little Johnny, can he be the only one without sin?”

“Little Johnny, stand up. I guess you are the only one here who isn’t preoccupied with sex and committing sins. What do you have to say!”

Little Johnny replied, “Reverend, you ain’t said nothing about me-ing and me-ing!”


Little Johnny and Suzy have nothing to do one day while in the house playing. All of a sudden, Johnny gets this great idea. “Let’s take turns sliding down the banister rail!” he suggests.

“Oh no,” answers Suzy, “That is way too scary.”

“No, it is not,” says Johnny, “it will be fun!” He proceeds to the top of the stairs. The banister rail is long and very smooth with a beautiful big marble ball at its base. Johnny climbs on and down he goes, squealing with excitement as he goes. He jumps off just before he gets to the marble ball at the bottom. “That was great,” he says. “Come on, you try now.”

Suzy still is not quite sure that this is such a good idea. “No,” she says, “It looks too scary.

“No, it is not,” said Johnny, and away he goes again to the top of the stairs. He climbs on and down he goes again, having just as much fun as he did the first time. He jumps off just before the marble ball at the bottom. “You gotta try this, it is the best!” urges Johnny. Well, little Suzy is not one to stay scared for very long and this really does look like fun, so she agrees. To the top of the stairs she goes. She straddles the banister rail, and slowly lets go with her hands. Down she goes, a lot faster than she expected. WHAM! Right into the marble ball at the bottom.

Little Suzy starts to cry and almost falls off the banister rail. When Johnny sees her so upset, crying ever harder and holding her groin where she collided with the marble ball, he gets a little scared that maybe she has really hurt herself.

“Maybe you had better let me see,” suggests Little Johnny. So Suzy lifts her little dress and pulls down her panties. Little Johnny’s face goes pale white. “OH, NO!” he shouts. “This is horrible! You knocked it right off!”

Late for School

“Late again,” the third-grade teacher said to Little Johnny. (When anyone was late for school, it usually was Little Johnny.)

“It ain’t my fault, Miss Crabtree. You can blame this on my Dad. The reason I’m three hours late? Dad sleeps nights in the raw!”

Now Miss Crabtree had taught grammar school for thirty-some-odd years. So she asked Little Johnny what he meant by that, despite her mounting fears.

Full of grins and mischief, and in the flower of his youth, Little Johnny and Trouble were old friends, but he always told the truth. “You see, Miss Crabtree, at the ranch we got this here lowdown coyote. The last few nights done et six hens and killed Ma’s best milk goat. And last night when Dad heard a noise out in the chicken pen, he grabbed his gun and said to Ma, “That coyote’s back again, I’m a gonna git him!”

“Stay back, he yelled to all us kids, I wouldn’t want ya hurt!” He was naked as a jaybird, no boots, no pants, no shirt! To the hen house he crawled, just like an Injun on the snoop. Then he stuck that double barrel through the window of the coop. As he stared into the darkness, with coyotes on his mind, our old hound dog Zeke had done woke up and come a-sneakin’ up behind Dad. Then we all looked on plumb helpless as Dad was cold-nosed without warnin’.”

“Miss Crabtree, we been cleanin’ chickens since three o’clock this mornin’!”

At the Chalkboard

A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her Grade 6 class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class.

She quickly turned and asked, “What’s so funny Pat?”

“Well teacher, I just saw one of your garters.”

“Get out of my classroom,” she yells, “I don’t want to see you for three days.”

The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment; she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from
another male student. She quickly turns and asks, “What’s so funny Billy?”

“Well miss, I just saw both of your garters.”

Again she yells, “Get out of my classroom!” This time the punishment is more severe, “I don’t want to see you for three weeks.”

Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again. So she bends over to pick it up. This time there is an burst of laughter from another male student. She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom.

“Where do you think you are going?” she asks.

“Well teacher, from what I just saw, my school days are over.”

Math Homework

Little Johnny was busy doing his homework. As his mother approached she

    “One and one, the son-of-a-bitch is two.”
    “Two and two, the son-of-a-bitch is four.”
    “Three and three… “

His mother interrupted, asking where he had learned this way of doing math. Little Johnny remarked that his teacher had taught him.

His mother was rather upset and told him to stop the homework. The next day she stormed into Little Johnny’s classroom and confronted the teacher. Little Johnny’s mother told her about Little Johnny’s different way of doing math and his claims that she taught it that way to the class.

The teacher was flabbergasted. She said that she couldn’t understand why Little Johnny had said what he did. Then suddenly, she exclaimed, “Oh, I know… here in school we say, one and one, the sum-of-which is two.”