- You believe the staff room should be equipped with a Valium salt lick.
- You find humor in other people’s stupidity.
- You want to slap the next person who says, “Must be nice to work from 8 to 3 and have your summers free!”
- You believe chocolate is a food group.
- You can tell it’s a full moon without ever looking outside.
- You believe “shallow gene pool” should have its own box on the report card.
- You believe that unspeakable evil will befall you if anyone says, “Boy, the kids sure are mellow today.”
- When out in public you feel the urge to talk to strange children and correct their behavior.
- You have no time for a life between August to June.
- Marking all A’s on report cards would make your life SO much simpler.
- When you mention “vegetables” you’re not talking about a food group.
- You think people should be able to get a government permit before being
allowed to reproduce.
- You wonder how some parents ever MANAGED to reproduce.
- You laugh uncontrollably when people refer to the staff room as the lounge.
- You believe in aerial spraying of Prozac.
- You encourage an obnoxious parent to check into charter schools or home
- You believe no one should be permitted to reproduce without having taught in an elementary school setting for at least 5 years.
- You’ve had your profession slammed by someone who would never DREAM of doing your job.
- You can’t have children because there’s no name you could give a child that wouldn’t bring on high blood pressure the moment you uttered it.
- You think caffeine should be available to staff in IV form.
- You know you’re in for a MAJOR project when a parent says, “I have a great idea I’d like to discuss. I think it would be such fun!”
- You smile weakly, but want to choke a person when they say, “Oh, you must have such fun everyday. It must be like playtime for you.”
- Your personal life comes to a screeching halt at report card time.
- Meeting a child’s parents instantly answers the question, “Why is this child like this?”
Tag Archives: teacher
Report Card Comments Teachers Would Love to Use
- Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
- I would not allow this student to breed.
- This student has delusions of adequacy.
- This student is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
- This student sets low standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
- The student has a “full six-pack” but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.
- Student has been working with glue too much.
- When the student’s IQ reaches 50, he/she should sell.
- Gates are down, lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming.
- If this student were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week.
- It’s hard to believe the sperm that created this student beat out 1,000,000 others.
- The wheel is turning but the hamster is dead.
- Your child is not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
- If your child had two brain cells, they’d kill each other.
About Real Teachers
- Real teachers buy Excedrin and Advil in bulk.
- Real teachers will eat anything left in the teacher’s lounge.
- Real teachers grade papers in the car, during commercials, in faculty meetings, in the bathroom, and at the end of nine weeks have even been seen grading in church.
- Real teachers know that sixth graders get hormones from Santa at Christmas.
- Real teachers cheer when they hear that April 1st does not fall on a school day.
- Real teachers drive older cars owned by credit unions.
- Real teachers can’t walk past a crowd of kids without straightening up the line.
- Real teachers never sit down without first checking the seat of the chair.
- Real teachers have disjointed necks from writing on boards without turning around.
- Real teachers are written up in medical journals for the size and elasticity of their bladders and kidneys.
- Real teachers wear glasses from trying to read the fine print in the teacher’s manuals.
- Real teachers have been timed gulping down lunch in 2 minutes 18 seconds.
- Master teachers can eat faster than that.
- Real teachers can predict exactly which parents show up at open house.
- Real teachers understand the importance of making sure every kid gets a Valentine.
- Real teachers never teach the conjugations of “lie” and “lay” to eighth graders.
- Real teachers know it is better to seek forgiveness than to ask for permission.
- Real teachers can teach anatomy to high school students and not hear the giggles.
- Real teachers know that the best end of semester lesson plans come from Blockbuster.
- Real teachers know the shortest distance and length of travel time to the front office.
- Real teachers can “sense” gum.
- Real teachers know the difference between what ought to be graded, what should be graded, and what should never see the light of day.
- Real teachers know that the first class disruption they see is probably the second one that occurred.
- Real teachers have their best conferences in the parking lot.
- Real teachers have never heard an original excuse.
- Real teachers know better than to plan discussions or cooperative groups for last period during an observation.
- Real teachers know that secretaries and custodians really run the school.
- Real teachers know that rules do not apply to them.
- Real teachers give themselves away in public because of the Vis-a-vis marker smudges all over their hands.
- Real teachers know that dogs are carnivores and not “homework paperavores.”
- Real teachers know that happy hour does indeed begin on Friday afternoons.
- Real teachers do not take “no” for an answer unless it is written in a complete sentence.
- Real teachers know the value of a good education and are appalled upon seeing their paychecks.
- Real teachers hear the heartbeats of crisis; always have time to listen; know they teach students, not subjects; and they are absolutely nonexpendable.
- In the beginning my English teacher created nouns and verbs.
- And the verbs were without form and voice; and darkness was upon the face of the deep–my teacher.
- And she said, “Let there be grammar;” and there was grammar.
- And Teacher saw the verbs and laughed and said that it was good; and she divided the bright students from those who remained in darkness.
- And Teacher gave the bright students A’s and kept the others after school. And the homework and the bell were the first day.
- And Teacher said, “Let there be a sentence in the midst of the words, and let it divide the nouns from the verbs.
- And Teacher made the sentence, and diagrammed it on the board; I looked and saw that it was so.
- And the Teacher called the sentence declarative. And the capital and the period were the second day.
- And Teacher said, “Let the noun words in the sentence be gathered together unto one place, and let the verb words appear; and it was so.
- And Teacher called the verb words predicate; and the gathering together of noun words called she the subject; and Teacher saw that it was good.
- And Teacher said, “Let the predicate bring forth modifiers, the transitive verbs yielding objects, and the intransitive verbs yielding complements after their own kind, whose place is in itself, within the predicate;” and it was so.
- And the predicate brought forth modifiers, and transitive verbs yielding objects after their own kind, and intransitive verbs yielding a complement whose place was in itself, after their own kind: The Teacher saw that it was good and confusing.
- And the active and the passive were the third day.
- And Teacher said, “Let there be modifiers in the firmament of the subject to further confuse and divide the students in the classroom; and let them be for proper nouns, concrete nouns, mass nouns, collective nouns, pronouns, and abstract nouns.”
- “And let them be for to give meaning in the subject and to enhance the predicate;” and it was so confusing.
- And Teacher made two great words: the greater word -adjective- to rule the noun, and the lesser word -adverb- to rule the verb; she made the conjunction also.
- And Teacher set them in the sentence in order to make it difficult to diagram.
- And to make it easier for her to divide the bright students from those who remained in darkness; and Teacher saw that her system was good.
- And the phrase and the clause were the fourth day.
- And Teacher said, “Let the verbs bring forth abundantly the many verb forms, the gerunds, infinitives, and participles; the subjunctives; the auxiliary verbs, the linking verbs; and the phrasal verbs.”
- And Teacher created mood for every living creature that moveth, and tense for all time, and voice after their kind: and Teacher saw that it was indeed good.
- And Teacher blessed them saying, “Be fruitful and multiply in complexity, and fill young minds with bewilderment, and let the bewilderment multiply into chaos in their minds.”
- And the lecture and the English test were the fifth day.
- And Teacher said, “Let the nouns and verbs bring forth living sentences after their own kind, book reports, essay questions, and English themes for the students to write;” and it was very so.
- And Teacher made all these things for the freshman English student to do, and everything that creepeth into her mind she gave to them to do; and Teacher saw to it that it was good.
- And Teacher said, “Let us make one project in our image, after our likeness; and let the product have dominion over the other projects, and over every subject of the college student.”
- So Teacher created the research paper in her own image, in the image of Teacher created she it; boring and difficult created she it.
- And Teacher blessed it, and Teacher said unto the research paper, “Be fruitful and multiply, and replenish the supply of dropouts, and subdue the remainder of the college students; and have dominion over the other projects, and over the other subjects, and over every single grade that the students receive.”
- “And to every beast of the earth, and to every fowl of the air, and to every thing that creepeth into the classroom, wherein there is life, I have given every rule and principle for good English;” and it was so.
- And Teacher saw everything that she had made, and behold it was very good.
At the Chalkboard
A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her Grade 6 class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class.
She quickly turned and asked, “What’s so funny Pat?”
“Well teacher, I just saw one of your garters.”
“Get out of my classroom,” she yells, “I don’t want to see you for three days.”
The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment; she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from
another male student. She quickly turns and asks, “What’s so funny Billy?”
“Well miss, I just saw both of your garters.”
Again she yells, “Get out of my classroom!” This time the punishment is more severe, “I don’t want to see you for three weeks.”
Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again. So she bends over to pick it up. This time there is an burst of laughter from another male student. She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom.
“Where do you think you are going?” she asks.
“Well teacher, from what I just saw, my school days are over.”
You May Be a True Elementary School Teacher If…
- Do you ask guests if they have remembered their scarves and mittens as they leave your home?
- Do you move your dinner partner’s glass away from the edge of the table?
- Do you ask if anyone needs to go to the bathroom as you enter a theater with a group of friends?
- Do you hand a tissue to anyone who sneezes?
- Do you refer to happy hour as “snack time?”
- Do you declare “no cuts” when a shopper squeezes ahead of you in a checkout line?
- Do you say “I like the way you did that” to the mechanic who repairs your car nice?
- Do you ask “Are you sure you did your best?” to the mechanic who fails to repair your car to your satisfaction?
- Do you sing the “Alphabet Song” to yourself as you look up a number in the phone book?
- Do you say everything twice? I mean, do you repeat everything?
- Do you fold your spouse’s fingers over the coins as you hand him/her the money at a tollbooth?
- Do you ask a quiet person at a party if he has something to share with the group?
If you answered yes to 4 or more, it’s in your soul — you are hooked on teaching. And if you’re not a teacher, you missed your calling.
If you answered yes to 8 or more, well, maybe it’s *too much* in your soul — you should probably begin thinking about retirement.
If you answered yes to all 12, forget it — you’ll *always* be a teacher, retired or not!
A Rough Crowd
A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all. On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school.
Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.
He had no trouble with discipline that term.