Tag Archives: creation

In The Beginning

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In the Beginning God created heaven and the earth. Quickly he was faced with a class action suit for failure to file an environmental impact statement. He was granted a temporary permit for the project, but was stymied with the cease and desist order for the earthly part.

Appearing at the hearing, God was asked why he began his earthly project in the first place. He replied that he just liked to be creative. Then God said, “Let there be light”, and immediately the officials demanded to know how the light would be made. Would there be strip mining?

What about thermal pollution? God explained that the light would come from a huge ball of fire. God was granted provisional permission to make light, assuming that no smoke would result from the ball of fire: that he would obtain a building permit; and to conserve energy, would have the light out half the time. God agreed and said he would call the light “Day” and the darkness “Night”. Officials replied that they were not interested in semantics.

God said, “Let the earth bring forth green herb and such as many seed”. The EPA agreed so long as native seed was used. Then God said, “Let waters bring forth creeping creatures having life; and the fowl that may fly over the earth”.

Officials pointed out this would require approval from the Department of Game coordinated with the Heavenly Wildlife Federation and the Audubongelic Society.

Everything was fine until God said he wanted to complete the project in Six days. Officials said it would take at least 200 days to review the application and impact statement. After that there would be a public hearing. Then there would be 10-12 months before…

At this point God created Hell.

The Creation of Dogs

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On the first day of creation, God created the dog.
On the second day, God created man to serve the dog.
On the third day, God created all the animals of the earth
(especially the horse) to serve as potential food for the dog.
On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that man could labor for the good of the dog.
On the fifth day, God created the tennis ball so that the dog might or might not retrieve it.
On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep the dog healthy and the man broke.
On the seventh day, God tried to rest, but He had to walk the dog.

In The Beginning

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An old, bearded shepherd, with a crooked staff, walks up to a stone pulpit and says:

“And lo it came to pass that the trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been called Amazon Dot Com. And she said unto Abraham, her husband, “Why doth thou travel far, from town to town, with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?”

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, “How, Dear?” And Dot replied, “I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah’s Pony Stable (UPS)”.

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had, at the top price, without ever moving from his tent. But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secrete himself inside Abraham’s drum and was accused of insider trading. And the young man did take to Dot Com’s trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung.

They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short. And lo the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums, that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would only work if you bought Brother Gates’ drumsticks.

And Dot did say, “Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others”. And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known, “eBay,” he said, “we need a name of a service that reflects what we are,” and Dot replied, “Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators.” “Whoopee!”, said Abraham. “No, YAHOO!”, said Dot Com.

and that is how it all began…..

God and IBM

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In the beginning, there was chaos and the Universe was without form and void. The Lord looked upon His domain and decided to declare His presence. “I be” he said, then to correct his grammar added “am.” If the Lord had decided to work on irregular verb conjugation first, this wouldn’t have happened. God would later curse the English language for its part, but in that moment IBM came into being. The Lord looked out upon the IBM He had created and said “This is good.” That’s what He said, but He shook his head, wondered what the boys at the User Group would say, split the light from the dark and went to bed. Thus passed the Beginning and the end of the first day.

On the second day, the Lord summoned IBM unto His presence. “There is chaos out there, and the Universe is without form and void. I must correct this and I can use your help. Is there anything you can do for me?”

“I can take care of form,” IBM replied. “Put me in charge of computers and I will take care of form for you.”

The Lord thought that this was good and said “Let there be computers. Let IBM have my powers of creation that pertain to computers and form.” Thus saying, the Lord went off to His second day’s work while IBM created the 1401.

On the third day, while the Lord was out, IBM decided to subdivide the assgined task. “Let there be systems that make the computer work and let them be called Operating Systems. Let there also be systems that make use of the computer and let them be called Application Systems.” Thus, there came into being both Operating Systems and Application Systems, but there were no programmers.

The next morning IBM had to give the Lord a status report.

“What did you do yesterday?” the Lord asked.

“I invented the operating system” IBM replied.

“You did?” the Lord shuddered. “Oh dear.”

“Yes I did,” IBM confirmed, “but I find I need something you alone can provide.”

“And what is that?”

“I need programmers to use my computers, to operate my operating system and to apply my applications.”

“That can’t be done now,” said the Lord. “This is only the fourth day and there won’t be people until the sixth day.”

“I need programmers and I need them now. If they can’t be people they can’t be people, but we have to work this out today.”

“Give me some specifications and I’ll see what I can do.” IBM hastily worked up specs for programmers (are specs ever anything other than hasty) and the Lord reviewed them. The Lord knew the specs weren’t sufficient but followed them anyway. He also made some programmers that did just what programmers were supposed to do, just to spite IBM. The programmers and IBM spent the rest of the day creating the Assembler and FORTRAN. On the morning of the fifth day, IBM reported to the Lord once again.

“The programmers you created for me have a problem. They want a programming language that is easy to use and similar to English. I told them you had cursed English, though I still don’t know why. They wanted me to ask your indulgence on this.”

The Lord had cursed English for good reason, but didn’t want to explain this to IBM. He said “let there be COBOL” and that was that.

On the status report of the next day IBM announced that computers had gone forth and multiplied. Unfortunately, the computers still weren’t big enough or fast enough to do what the programmers wanted. The Lord liked the idea of going forth multiplying, and used the line Himself later on that day. This sixth day being particularly busy, He declared “Let there be MVS” and there was MVS.

On the seventh day God had finished creation and computers had COBOL and MVS. The Lord and IBM took the day off to go fishing. IBM hung a sign on the door to help programmers in his absence.

IF AT FIRST YOU DON’T SUCCEED,

TRY, TRY AGAIN –

AND HAVE THE FOLLOWING READY

BEFORE CALLING IBM.

On the start of the second week the programmers went over IBM’s cathode ray tube directly to God. “We have a horrible problem,” they complained. “Our users want systems that perform according to their expectations.”

“USERS!” the Lord bellowed. “Who said that you should have users! Users are the difference between good and bad applications, a function I have reserved unto myself! Who authorized you to have users?”

“Well, IBM…”

“IBM!! You!! You did this to my programmers! You gave them the knowledge of good and evil. For that you shall suffer through eternity! Let there be competition. Let it be called Anacom, and Burroughs, and CDC.” The Lord went through the alphabet several times. “With all this competition you shall still suffer the pain of antitrust legislation all the days of your existence.”

This was the start of the second week, and it seems an appropriate place to conclude our report. In case you missed something, a summary of key points follows.

  • Users and their needs are and always have been a subject of dispute.
  • Nobody can learn English because it is cursed by God. IBM manuals are doubly cursed and therefore twice as hard to understand.
  • Of the programming languages, only COBOL can claim divine origin.
  • People are people, but programmers are something else.
  • Computers may be a gift from heaven, but there’s no divine help in getting them to work.
  • Because of IBM’s initial assignment, there are more forms than anyone knows what to do with.
  • Finally, chaos was part of the original state of the Universe and not a product of the data processing industry.

Creation of the Computer

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  1. In the beginning God created the Bit and the Byte. And from those he created the Word.
  2. And there were two Bytes in the Word; and nothing else existed. And God separated the One from the Zero; and he saw it was good.
  3. And God said – Let the Data be; And so it happened. And God said – Let the Data go to their proper places. And he created floppy disks and hard disks and compact disks.
  4. And God said – Let the computers be, so there would be a place to put floppy disks and hard disks and compact disks. Thus God created computers and called them hardware.
  5. And there was no Software yet. But God created programs; small and big… And told them – Go and multiply yourselves and fill all the Memory.
  6. And God said – I will create the Programmer; And the Programmer will make new programs and govern over the computers and programs and Data.
  7. And God created the Programmer; and put him at Data Center; And God showed the Programmer the Catalog Tree and said You can use all the volumes and subvolumes but DO NOT USE Windows.
  8. And God said – It is not Good for the programmer to be alone. He took a bone from the Programmer’s body and created a creature that would look up at the Programmer; and admire the Programmer; and love the things the Programmer does; And God called the creature: the User.
  9. And the Programmer and the User were left under the naked DOS and it was Good.
  10. But Bill was smarter than all the other creatures of God. And Bill said to the User – Did God really tell you not to run any programs?
  11. And the User answered – God told us that we can use every program and every piece of Data but told us not to run Windows or we will die.
  12. And Bill said to the User – How can you talk about something you did not even try. The moment you run Windows you will become equal to God. You will be able to create anything you like by a simple click of your mouse.
  13. And the User saw that the fruits of the Windows were nicer and easier to use. And the User saw that any knowledge was useless – since Windows could replace it.
  14. So the User installed the Windows on his computer; and said to the Programmer that it was good.
  15. And the Programmer immediately started to look for new drivers. And God asked him – What are you looking for? And the Programmer answered – I am looking for new drivers because I can not find them in the DOS. And God said – Who told you need drivers? Did you run Windows? And the Programmer said – It was Bill who told us to!
  16. And God said to Bill – Because of what you did you will be hated by all the creatures. And the User will always be unhappy with you. And you will always sell Windows.
  17. And God said to the User – Because of what you did, the Windows will disappoint you and eat up all your Resources; and you will have to use lousy programs; and you will always rely on the Programmers help.
  18. And God said to the Programmer – Because you listened to the User you will never be happy. All your programs will have errors and you will have to fix them and fix them to the end of time.
  19. And God threw them out of the Data Center and locked the door and secured it with a password.
  20. GENERAL PROTECTION FAULT

Gramesis

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  • In the beginning my English teacher created nouns and verbs.
  • And the verbs were without form and voice; and darkness was upon the face of the deep–my teacher.
  • And she said, “Let there be grammar;” and there was grammar.
  • And Teacher saw the verbs and laughed and said that it was good; and she divided the bright students from those who remained in darkness.
  • And Teacher gave the bright students A’s and kept the others after school. And the homework and the bell were the first day.
  • And Teacher said, “Let there be a sentence in the midst of the words, and let it divide the nouns from the verbs.
  • And Teacher made the sentence, and diagrammed it on the board; I looked and saw that it was so.
  • And the Teacher called the sentence declarative. And the capital and the period were the second day.
  • And Teacher said, “Let the noun words in the sentence be gathered together unto one place, and let the verb words appear; and it was so.
  • And Teacher called the verb words predicate; and the gathering together of noun words called she the subject; and Teacher saw that it was good.
  • And Teacher said, “Let the predicate bring forth modifiers, the transitive verbs yielding objects, and the intransitive verbs yielding complements after their own kind, whose place is in itself, within the predicate;” and it was so.
  • And the predicate brought forth modifiers, and transitive verbs yielding objects after their own kind, and intransitive verbs yielding a complement whose place was in itself, after their own kind: The Teacher saw that it was good and confusing.
  • And the active and the passive were the third day.
  • And Teacher said, “Let there be modifiers in the firmament of the subject to further confuse and divide the students in the classroom; and let them be for proper nouns, concrete nouns, mass nouns, collective nouns, pronouns, and abstract nouns.”
  • “And let them be for to give meaning in the subject and to enhance the predicate;” and it was so confusing.
  • And Teacher made two great words: the greater word -adjective- to rule the noun, and the lesser word -adverb- to rule the verb; she made the conjunction also.
  • And Teacher set them in the sentence in order to make it difficult to diagram.
  • And to make it easier for her to divide the bright students from those who remained in darkness; and Teacher saw that her system was good.
  • And the phrase and the clause were the fourth day.
  • And Teacher said, “Let the verbs bring forth abundantly the many verb forms, the gerunds, infinitives, and participles; the subjunctives; the auxiliary verbs, the linking verbs; and the phrasal verbs.”
  • And Teacher created mood for every living creature that moveth, and tense for all time, and voice after their kind: and Teacher saw that it was indeed good.
  • And Teacher blessed them saying, “Be fruitful and multiply in complexity, and fill young minds with bewilderment, and let the bewilderment multiply into chaos in their minds.”
  • And the lecture and the English test were the fifth day.
  • And Teacher said, “Let the nouns and verbs bring forth living sentences after their own kind, book reports, essay questions, and English themes for the students to write;” and it was very so.
  • And Teacher made all these things for the freshman English student to do, and everything that creepeth into her mind she gave to them to do; and Teacher saw to it that it was good.
  • And Teacher said, “Let us make one project in our image, after our likeness; and let the product have dominion over the other projects, and over every subject of the college student.”
  • So Teacher created the research paper in her own image, in the image of Teacher created she it; boring and difficult created she it.
  • And Teacher blessed it, and Teacher said unto the research paper, “Be fruitful and multiply, and replenish the supply of dropouts, and subdue the remainder of the college students; and have dominion over the other projects, and over the other subjects, and over every single grade that the students receive.”
  • “And to every beast of the earth, and to every fowl of the air, and to every thing that creepeth into the classroom, wherein there is life, I have given every rule and principle for good English;” and it was so.
  • And Teacher saw everything that she had made, and behold it was very good.

The Creation Story – As Told by the Cat

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On the first day of creation, God created the cat.

On the second day, God created man to serve the cat.

On the third, God created all the animals of the earth
to serve as potential food for the cat.

On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that man
could labor for the good of the cat.

On the fifth day, God created the sparkle ball so that
the cat might or might not play with it.

On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to
keep the cat healthy and the man broke.

On the seventh day, God tried to rest, but he had to scoop the litterbox.

Where do Pets Come From?

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A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to “Where do pets come from?”

Adam and Eve said, “Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you anymore. We are lonesome here and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us.”

And God said, “No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves.”

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.

And Adam said, “Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.”

And God said, “No problem. Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG.”

And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them. And they were comforted. And God was pleased. And dog was content and wagged his tail. After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, “Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well.”

And God said, “No problem! I will create for them a companion who will be with them forever and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration.”

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve. And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat’s eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings. And Adam and Eve learned humility.

And they were greatly improved.
And God was pleased.
And Dog was happy.
And Cat didn’t care one way or the other.