Night Monster

Posted on by

After putting her children to bed, a mother changed into old sweats and blouse and proceeded to wash her hair and give herself a facial. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin.

At last she wrapped a towel around her head and with cold creme on her face stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings.

As she left the room, she heard her three-year-old say with a trembling voice, “Who was THAT?”

My Dad Always Says…

Posted on by
  • If it ain’t broke, fix it till it is.
  • I don’t get even, I get odder.
  • I am having an out of money experience.
  • I am in shape. Round is a shape.
  • I’m not afraid of heights, I’m afraid of widths.
  • Practice safe eating, always use condiments.
  • Anything free is worth what you pay for it.
  • Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.
  • It hurts to be on the cutting edge.
  • If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.
  • If it weren’t for me, there’d just be a pile of my clothes on the floor.
  • I am not a perfectionist. My parents were though.

On Mothers-In-Law

Posted on by
  • Behind every successful man stands a devoted wife and a surprised mother-in-law.
  • Adam and Eve were the happiest and the luckiest couple in the world, because neither of them had a mother-in-law.
  • Sometimes you cannot tell if a man is trying so hard to be a success to please his wife or to spite his mother-in-law.
  • Does it really surprise anyone that Mother-in-law’s Day occurs less than one week before Halloween?

  • “My mother-in-law was bitten by a dog yesterday.”
    “How is she now?”
    “She’s fine. But, the dog died.”

  • Hello. Your mother-in-law fell into my pool with crocodiles. The crocodiles are yours, so you save them.
  • A pharmacist tells a customer: “In order to buy arsenic you should need a legal prescription. A picture of your mother-in-law just isn’t enough.”
  • Mother to daughter: “Your boyfriend is such a jerk that I would be delighted to be his mother-in-law.”

  • The lawyer cabled his client overseas: “Your mother-in-law passed away in her sleep. Shall we order burial, embalming or cremation?”
    Back came the reply, “Take no chances — order all three.”

  • One day a husband was late coming from work and his wife was nervous. “Oh, I know he has an affair with some woman,” she said to her mother.
    “Why do you always think the worst?” her mother replied, “Maybe he is just in some kind of accident.”

  • Have you heard about this man who took his mother-in-law to the zoo and threw her into the crocodile pool. He is now being sued by the RSPCA for being cruel to the crocodiles.

  • Two neighbors were having a chat when one said, “I took my dog to the vet today because it bit my mother-in-law.”
    The other asked, “Did you put it to sleep?”
    “No, of course not,” said the first, “I had its teeth sharpened.”

  • My mother-in-law was bitten by a mad dog in the street.
    “Oh, that’s terrible”
    “Yes, it was terrible to watch the dog die slowly in convulsions.”

  • The president of the service club asked his new member, “Would you like to donate something to the home for the aged?”
    The new member replied, “Yes, my mother-in-law.”

  • Wife: “Dear, this afternoon the big clock fell off the wall. Had it fallen a moment sooner, my mother would have been hit on the head and badly hurt.”
    Husband: “Oh, my! That clock has always been slow!”

A Poem for Moms and Dads

Posted on by

Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my sanity to keep.
For if some peace I do not find,
I’m pretty sure I’ll lose my mind.
I pray I find a little quiet
Far from the daily family riot.
May I lie back–not have to think
about what they’re stuffing down the sink,
or who they’re with, or where they’re at
and what they’re doing to the cat.
I pray for time all to myself
(did something just fall off a shelf?)
To cuddle in my nice, soft bed
(Oh no, another goldfish–dead!)
Some silent moments for goodness sake
(Did I just hear a window break?)
And that I need not cook or clean–
(well heck, I’ve got the right to dream)
Yes now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my wits about me keep,
But as I look around I know–
I must have lost them long ago!

Learn From Your Teenager

Posted on by
  • 6 alarm clocks will wake everyone in the house except a teenager.
  • 1 glass of ice water will.
  • No alarm clock is necessary for dates or concerts.
  • Music is meant to be shared with neighbors two blocks away.
  • Don’t play it backwards.
  • Expect a knock at the door with a summons to court.
  • Never start your car before the radio is turned OFF.
  • Speedometers are to test the car and see if they really go that fast.
  • Mine goes 140MPH on the straight away.
  • Teenager’s cars go faster.
  • Tires are there to leave little black marks when you peel out.
  • The bigger the black mark, the better the car.
  • A car will hold 16 people with the tailgate open.
  • More if you add one to the hood and one to the roof.
  • A car will run on fumes long enough to back out of the driveway.
  • Walking to the gas station is good exercise for you.
  • Being late for work is not good for you.
  • Teenagers are allergic to walking.
  • A clean room means a path from the door to the bed.
  • A bedroom can be cleaned in five minutes flat if they throw everything into the trash.
  • Including dirty laundry and dirty dishes.
  • The phone is always in use.
  • Extra phone lines don’t help.
  • Voice mail does. (At least you know which calls you’ve missed)
  • Teenagers want to know what calls they’ve missed, too.
  • Kool-aid is for coloring hair.
  • Trousers should be worn several sizes too big and low enough for at least 6″ of underwear to show.
  • Only one half of a wallet is for money.
  • The other half is for status symbols.
  • Condoms are status symbols.
  • The most abhorred 4 letter word is WORK! (houseWORK and homeWORK)
  • The second worst 4 letter word is HOME.
  • Windows are more useful as doors.
  • The knock at the window is always answered by a teenager.
  • The knock at the door is always an adult.
  • Police come in all shapes and sizes.
  • 3 work days a month are school holidays.
  • The house will always be redecorated when you come home from work.
  • All walls should have a window.
  • Windows are easily made with fists.
  • Violation tickets come in all shapes, colors and sizes.
  • No, all the blue tickets are not curfew violations and all the yellow tickets are not noise violations, that doesn’t even include the pink or the green ones.
  • Remove all lethal weapons from your home.
  • Schools consider paring knives lethal weapons.
  • A plastic knife will not slice butter without breaking.
  • Every parent of a teenager can add much to this list. That’s a double dog dare!!!! (If they still use that term)

Really Important Stuff Kids Have Taught Me

Posted on by
  • It’s more fun to color outside the lines.
  • If you’re going draw on the wall, do it behind the couch.
  • Ask why until you understand.
  • Hang on tight.
  • Even if you’ve been fishing for 3 hours and haven’t gotten anything except poison ivy and a sunburn, you’re still better off than the worm.
  • Make up the rules as you go along.
  • It doesn’t matter who started it.
  • Ask for sprinkles.
  • If the horse you’re drawing looks more like a dog, make it a dog.
  • Save a place in line for your friends.
  • Sometimes you have to take the test before you’ve finished studying.
  • If you want a kitten, start out asking for a horse.
  • Picking your nose when no one else is looking is still picking your nose.
  • Just keep banging until someone opens the door.
  • Making your bed is a waste of time.
  • There is no good reason why clothes have to match.
  • Even Popeye didn’t eat his spinach until he absolutely had to.
  • If your dog doesn’t like someone, you probably shouldn’t either.
  • Toads aren’t ugly, they’re just toads.
  • Don’t pop someone else’s bubble.
  • You work so hard peddling up the hill that you hate to brake on the way down.
  • If you stand on tiptoe to be measured this year, you’ll have to stand on tiptoe for the rest of your life.
  • You can’t ask to start over just because you’re losing the game.
  • Chasing the cat is more fun than catching it.
  • Make your mother proud of you.

Kids on Love

Posted on by

Tips on love, all questions were answered by kids, age 5-10.

  • WHAT IS THE PROPER AGE TO GET MARRIED??
    “Eighty-four, Because at that age, you don’t have to work anymore, and you can spend all your time loving each other in your bedroom.” (Judy, 8)
    “Once I’m done with kindergarten, I’m going to find me a wife.” (Tom, 5)

  • WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE??
    “On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.” (Mike, 10)

  • WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE??
    “You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a big ring and her own VCR, ’cause she’ll want to have videos of the wedding.” (Jim, 10)
    “Never kiss in front of other people. It’s a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you. But if nobody sees you, I might be willing to try
    it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours.” (Kally, 9)

  • THE GREAT DEBATE: IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED??
    “It’s better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them.” (Lynette, 9)
    “It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I’m just a kid. I don’t need that kind of trouble.” (Kenny, 7)

  • CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO PARTICULAR PEOPLE
    “No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell. That’s why perfume and deodorant are so popular.” (Jan, 9)
    “I think you’re supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn’t supposed to be so painful.” (Harlen, 8)

  • ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE
    “Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life.” (Roger, 9)
    “If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don’t want to do it. It takes too long.” (Leo, 7)

  • ON THE ROLE OF GOOD LOOKS IN LOVE
    “If you want to be loved by somebody who isn’t already in your family, it doesn’t hurt to be beautiful.” (Jeanne, 8)
    “It isn’t always just how you look. Look at me. I’m handsome like anything and I haven’t got anybody to marry me yet.” (Gary, 7)
    “Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time.” (Christine, 9)

  • CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS
    “They want to make sure their rings don’t fall off because they paid good money for them.” (Dave, 8)

  • CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE
    “I’m in favor of love as long as it doesn’t happen when ‘The Simpsons’ is on television.” (Anita, 6)
    “Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I have been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me.” (Bobby, 8)
    “I’m not rushing into being in love – I’m finding fourth grade hard enough.” (Regina, 10)

  • THE PERSONAL QUALITIES NECESSARY TO BE A GOOD LOVER
    “One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills.” (Ava, 8)

  • SOME SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU
    “Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores.” (Del, 6)
    “Don’t do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention ain’t the same thing as love.” (Alonzo, 9)
    “One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it’s something she likes to eat. French fries usually works for me.” (Bart, 9)

  • HOW CAN YOU TELL IF TWO ADULTS EATING DINNER AT A RESTAURANT ARE IN LOVE?
    “Just see if the man picks up the check. That’s how you can tell if he’s in love.” (John, 9)
    “Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get cold. Other people care more about the food.” (Brad, 8)
    “It’s love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire. They like to order those because it’s just like how their hearts are on fire.” (Christine, 9)

Ways Life Would Change If Men Got Pregnant

Posted on by
  • Maternity leave would last two years…with full pay!
  • There’d be a cure for stretch marks.
  • Natural childbirth would become obsolete. {Eg: You want me to push this through WHAT?!!}
  • Morning sickness would rank as the nation’s No. 1 health problem.
  • All methods of birth control would be improved to 100% effectiveness.
  • Children would be kept in the hospital until they were toilet-trained and over the “Terrible Twos.”
  • Men would be eager to talk about commitment.
  • They wouldn’t think twins were quite so cute.
  • Fathers would demand that their sons be home from dates by 10 p.m.
  • Men could use their briefcases as diaper bags.
  • They’d stay in bed for the entire nine months.
  • Menus at most restaurants would list ice cream and pickles as an entree.
  • Women would rule the world.

Great Truths from Small Children

Posted on by
  • When your mom is mad at your dad, don’t let her brush your hair.
  • If your sister hits you, don’t hit her back. They always catch the second person.
  • Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
  • You can’t trust dogs to watch your food.
  • Reading what people write on desks can teach you a lot.
  • Don’t sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
  • Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic tac.
  • Never hold a dustbuster and a cat at the same time.
  • Don’t wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
  • A pencil without an eraser may as well just be a pen.
  • Don’t say that the “Last One is a Rotten Egg” unless you’re absolutely sure there’s a slow kid behind you.
  • You can’t start over just because you’re losing the game.
  • All libraries smell the same.
  • If you want someone to listen to you, whisper it.

From The Mouths Of Babes…

Posted on by
  • “Close the curtains,” requested our 2 year old granddaughter, sitting in a pool of bright light. “The sun’s looking at me too hard.”
  • My friend asked our grandson when he would turn 6. He replied, “When I’m tired of being 5.”
  • Seeing her first hailstorm, Mary Sue, age 3, exclaimed, “Mommy, it’s raining dumplings!”
  • As I frantically waved away a pesky fly with a white dishtowel, my granddaughter observed, “Maybe he thinks you’re surrendering.”
  • A friend’s grandson, 4, was reading with his granddad about Adam and Eve. He asked, “Is this where God took out the man’s brain and made a woman?”
  • Announcing to daughter Lori that her aunt just had a baby and it looked like her uncle, she said, “You mean he has a mustache?”
  • When I asked our grandson if he could name the capital of Florida, he fired right back, “Capital F!”
  • While shampooing our son, 4, I noted his hair was growing so fast he’d soon need it cut. He replied, “Maybe we shouldn’t water it so much.”
  • My daughter told her 5-year-old that their van was going to be fixed. Instantly, the small fry assumed, “Oh, it’s going to the tire-o-practor?”
  • Impressed by her 5-year-old’s vocabulary, my friend complimented the young scholar, who nonchalantly responded, ” I have words in my head I haven’t even used yet.”
  • His Mom informed her son, Brian, that she was going outside to get a little sun. “But Mommy, he gulped, “You already have a son. Me!”
  • When our son asked about two look-alike classmates at school, we told him they were probably twins. The next day, he came home from school all bubbly and said, “Guess what! They are not only twins….they’re brothers!!”