Things I Wish I’d Known Before I Went Out In The Real World

  • Any and all compliments can be handled by simply saying “Why, thank you” (though it helps if you say it with a Southern accent).
  • Some people are working backstage, some are playing in the orchestra, some are on stage singing, some are in the audience as critics and some are there to applaud. Know who and where you are.
  • Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas.
  • When baking, follow directions. When cooking, go by your own taste.
  • Never continue dating anyone who is rude to the waiters and doesn’t like dogs/cats.
  • Good sex should involve laughter. Because think about it, it is funny.
  • You need only two tools. WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn’t move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn’t, use the tape.
  • The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship “I apologize” and “You are right.”
  • Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
  • When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It’s easier to eat crow while it’s still warm.
  • The only really good advice that I remember my mother ever gave me was, “Go! You might meet somebody!”
  • If he/she says that you are too good for him/her – believe it.
  • I’ve learned to pick my battles; I ask myself, ‘Will this matter one year from now? How about one month? One week? One day?’
  • Never pass up an opportunity to pee.
  • If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!
  • Living well really is the best revenge. Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just might mean that the other person was right about you.
  • Knowing how to listen to music is as great a talent as knowing how to make it.
  • Work is good but it’s not that important.
  • Never underestimate the kindness of your fellow man.
  • And finally… Be really nice to your friends. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.

The Lesson of Life

Once upon a time, there was a non-conforming sparrow who decided not to fly south for the winter. However, soon the weather turned so cold that he reluctantly started to fly south. In a short time, ice began to form on his wings and he fell to earth in a barnyard, almost frozen.

A cow passed by and crapped on the little sparrow. The sparrow thought it was the end. But, the manure warmed him and defrosted his wings. Warm and happy, able to breathe, he started to sing. Just then a large cat came by and, hearing the chirping, investigated the sounds. The cat cleared away the manure, found the chirping bird and promptly ate him.

The moral of the story:

  • Everyone who craps on you is not necessarily your enemy.
  • Everyone who gets you out of the crap is not necessarily your friend.
  • And, if you’re warm and happy in a pile of crap, keep your mouth shut.

5 Lessons to Make You Think About How We Treat People

  1. First Important Lesson – Cleaning Lady.

    During my second month of college, our professor gave us a pop quiz. I was a conscientious student and had breezed through the questions until I read the last one:

    “What is the first name of the woman who cleans the school?” Surely this was some kind of joke. I had seen the cleaning woman several times. She was tall, dark-haired and in her 50s, but how would I know her name?

    I handed in my paper, leaving the last question blank. Just before class ended, one student asked if the last question would count toward our quiz grade.

    “Absolutely,” said the professor. “In your careers, you will meet many people. All are significant. They deserve your attention and care, even if all you do is smile and say “hello.”

    I’ve never forgotten that lesson. I also learned her name was Dorothy.

  2. Second Important Lesson – Pickup in the Rain

    One night, at 11:30 p.m., an older African American woman was standing on the side of an Alabama highway trying to endure a lashing rainstorm. Her car had broken down and she desperately needed a ride. Soaking wet, she decided to flag down the next car. A young white man stopped to help her, generally unheard of in those conflict-filled 1960s. The man took her to safety, helped her get assistance and put her into a taxicab.

    She seemed to be in a big hurry, but wrote down his address and thanked him. Seven days went by and a knock came on the man’s door. To his surprise, a giant console color TV was delivered to his home. A special note was attached..

    It read:
    “Thank you so much for assisting me on the highway the other night. The rain drenched not only my clothes, but also my spirits. Then you came along. Because of you, I was able to make it to my dying husband’s bedside just before he passed away… God bless you for helping me and unselfishly serving others.”

    Mrs. Nat King Cole.

  3. Third Important Lesson – Always remember those who serve.

    In the days when an ice cream sundae cost much less, a 10-year-old boy entered a hotel coffee shop and sat at a table. A waitress put a glass of water in front of him. “How much is an ice cream sundae?” he asked.

    “Fifty cents,” replied the waitress.

    The little boy pulled is hand out of his pocket and studied the coins in it. “Well, how much is a plain dish of ice cream?” he inquired.

    By now more people were waiting for a table and the waitress was growing impatient.

    “Thirty-five cents,” she brusquely replied.

    The little boy again counted his coins.

    “I’ll have the plain ice cream,” he said.

    The waitress brought the ice cream, put the bill on the table and walked away. The boy finished the ice cream, paid the cashier and left. When the waitress came back, she began to cry as she wiped down the table. There, placed neatly beside the empty dish, were two nickels and five pennies..

    You see, he couldn’t have the sundae, because he had to have enough left to leave her a tip.

  4. Fourth Important Lesson. – The obstacle in Our Path.

    In ancient times, a King had a boulder placed on a roadway. Then he hid himself and watched to see if anyone would remove the huge rock. Some of the king’s wealthiest merchants and courtiers came by and simply walked around it. Many loudly blamed the King for not keeping the roads clear, but none did anything about getting the stone out of the way.

    Then a peasant came along carrying a load of vegetables. Upon approaching the boulder, the peasant laid down his burden and tried to move the stone to the side of the road. After much pushing and straining, he finally succeeded. After the peasant picked up his load of vegetables, he noticed a purse lying in the road where the boulder had been. The purse contained many gold coins and a note from the King indicating that the gold was for the person who removed the boulder from the roadway. The peasant learned what many of us never understand!

    Every obstacle presents an opportunity to improve our condition.

  5. Fifth Important Lesson – Giving When it Counts…

    Many years ago, when I worked as a volunteer at a hospital, I got to know a little girl named Liz who was suffering from a rare and serious disease. Her only chance of recovery appeared to be a blood transfusion from her 5-year old brother, who had miraculously survived the same disease and had developed the antibodies needed to combat the illness. The doctor explained the situation to her little brother, and asked the little boy if he would be willing to give his blood to his sister.

    I saw him hesitate for only a moment before taking a deep breath and saying, “Yes I’ll do it if it will save her.” As the transfusion progressed, he lay in bed next to his sister and smiled, as we all did, seeing the color returning to her cheek. Then his face grew pale and his smile faded.

    He looked up at the doctor and asked with a trembling voice, “Will I start to die right away”.

    Being young, the little boy had misunderstood the doctor; he thought he was going to have to give his sister all of his blood in order to save her.

More of What My Mother Taught Me

  • My Mother taught me LOGIC…
    “If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can’t go to the store with me.”
  • My Mother taught me MEDICINE…
    “If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they’re going to freeze that way.”
  • My Mother taught me TO THINK AHEAD…
    “If you don’t pass your spelling test, you’ll never get a good job!”
  • My Mother taught me ESP…
    “Put your sweater on; don’t you think that I know when you’re cold?”
  • My Mother taught me TO MEET A CHALLENGE…
    “What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you…Don’t talk back to me!”
  • My Mother taught me HUMOR…
    “When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.”
  • My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT…
    “If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.
  • My mother taught me ABOUT SEX…
    “How do you think you got here?”
  • My mother taught me about GENETICS…
    “You are just like your father!”
  • My mother taught me about my ROOTS…
    “Do you think you were born in a barn?”
  • My mother taught me about the WISDOM of AGE…
    “When you get to be my age, you will understand.”
  • My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION…
    “Just wait until your father gets home.”
  • My mother taught me about RECEIVING…
    “You are going to get it when we get home.”
  • And my all time favorite thing – JUSTICE…
    “One day you will have kids, and I hope they turn out just like YOU..then you’ll see what it’s like.”

My Mother Taught Me…

  • My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE
    “If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside – I just finished cleaning!”
  • My mother taught me RELIGION
    “You better pray that will come out of the carpet.”
  • My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL
    “If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week!”
  • My mother taught me LOGIC
    “Because I said so, that’s why.”
  • My mother taught me FORESIGHT
    “Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an accident.”
  • My mother taught me IRONY
    “Keep laughing and I’ll ‘give’ you something to cry about.”
  • My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS
    “Shut your mouth and eat your supper!”
  • My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM
    “Will you ‘look’ at the dirt on the back of your neck!”
  • My mother taught me about STAMINA
    “You’ll sit there ’til all that spinach is finished.”
  • My mother taught me about WEATHER
    “It looks as if a tornado swept through your room.”
  • My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS
    “If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you; would you listen then?”
  • My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY
    “If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a million times – Don’t exaggerate!!!”
  • My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE
    “I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.”
  • My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION
    “Stop acting like your father!”
  • My mother taught me about ENVY
    “There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don’t have wonderful parents like you do!”

What You Can Learn From Your Kids

  • There is no such thing as child-proofing your house.
  • If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
  • A 4 years old’s voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
  • If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42-pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a superman cape.
  • It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.
  • When using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit.
  • A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
  • The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn’t stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
  • When you hear the toilet flush and the words ‘Uh-oh,’ it’s already too late.
  • A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock, even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
  • If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes, it does not leak-it explodes.
  • A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house 4 inches deep.
  • Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old.
  • Duplos will not.
  • ‘Play Dough’ and ‘microwave’ should never be used in the same sentence.
  • SuperGlue is forever.
  • McGyver can teach us many things we don’t want to know.
  • Ditto Tarzan.
  • No matter how much Jello you put in a swimming pool, you still can’t walk on water.
  • Pool filters do not like Jello.
  • VCR’s do not eject PB&J sandwiches, even though TV commercials show they do.
  • Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
  • Always look in the oven before you turn it on.
  • Plastic toys do not like ovens.
  • The fire department in San Diego has at least a 5 minute response time.
  • The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy.
  • It will, however, make cats dizzy.
  • Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
  • Quiet does not necessarily mean ‘don’t worry’.
  • A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life (unfortunately, mostly in retrospect).

Learn From Your Teenager

  • 6 alarm clocks will wake everyone in the house except a teenager.
  • 1 glass of ice water will.
  • No alarm clock is necessary for dates or concerts.
  • Music is meant to be shared with neighbors two blocks away.
  • Don’t play it backwards.
  • Expect a knock at the door with a summons to court.
  • Never start your car before the radio is turned OFF.
  • Speedometers are to test the car and see if they really go that fast.
  • Mine goes 140MPH on the straight away.
  • Teenager’s cars go faster.
  • Tires are there to leave little black marks when you peel out.
  • The bigger the black mark, the better the car.
  • A car will hold 16 people with the tailgate open.
  • More if you add one to the hood and one to the roof.
  • A car will run on fumes long enough to back out of the driveway.
  • Walking to the gas station is good exercise for you.
  • Being late for work is not good for you.
  • Teenagers are allergic to walking.
  • A clean room means a path from the door to the bed.
  • A bedroom can be cleaned in five minutes flat if they throw everything into the trash.
  • Including dirty laundry and dirty dishes.
  • The phone is always in use.
  • Extra phone lines don’t help.
  • Voice mail does. (At least you know which calls you’ve missed)
  • Teenagers want to know what calls they’ve missed, too.
  • Kool-aid is for coloring hair.
  • Trousers should be worn several sizes too big and low enough for at least 6″ of underwear to show.
  • Only one half of a wallet is for money.
  • The other half is for status symbols.
  • Condoms are status symbols.
  • The most abhorred 4 letter word is WORK! (houseWORK and homeWORK)
  • The second worst 4 letter word is HOME.
  • Windows are more useful as doors.
  • The knock at the window is always answered by a teenager.
  • The knock at the door is always an adult.
  • Police come in all shapes and sizes.
  • 3 work days a month are school holidays.
  • The house will always be redecorated when you come home from work.
  • All walls should have a window.
  • Windows are easily made with fists.
  • Violation tickets come in all shapes, colors and sizes.
  • No, all the blue tickets are not curfew violations and all the yellow tickets are not noise violations, that doesn’t even include the pink or the green ones.
  • Remove all lethal weapons from your home.
  • Schools consider paring knives lethal weapons.
  • A plastic knife will not slice butter without breaking.
  • Every parent of a teenager can add much to this list. That’s a double dog dare!!!! (If they still use that term)

Really Important Stuff Kids Have Taught Me

  • It’s more fun to color outside the lines.
  • If you’re going draw on the wall, do it behind the couch.
  • Ask why until you understand.
  • Hang on tight.
  • Even if you’ve been fishing for 3 hours and haven’t gotten anything except poison ivy and a sunburn, you’re still better off than the worm.
  • Make up the rules as you go along.
  • It doesn’t matter who started it.
  • Ask for sprinkles.
  • If the horse you’re drawing looks more like a dog, make it a dog.
  • Save a place in line for your friends.
  • Sometimes you have to take the test before you’ve finished studying.
  • If you want a kitten, start out asking for a horse.
  • Picking your nose when no one else is looking is still picking your nose.
  • Just keep banging until someone opens the door.
  • Making your bed is a waste of time.
  • There is no good reason why clothes have to match.
  • Even Popeye didn’t eat his spinach until he absolutely had to.
  • If your dog doesn’t like someone, you probably shouldn’t either.
  • Toads aren’t ugly, they’re just toads.
  • Don’t pop someone else’s bubble.
  • You work so hard peddling up the hill that you hate to brake on the way down.
  • If you stand on tiptoe to be measured this year, you’ll have to stand on tiptoe for the rest of your life.
  • You can’t ask to start over just because you’re losing the game.
  • Chasing the cat is more fun than catching it.
  • Make your mother proud of you.