You Know You’re a Mom When…

  • Your feet stick to the kitchen floor…and you don’t care.
  • When the kids are fighting, you threaten to lock them in a room together and not let them out until someone’s bleeding.
  • You can’t find your cordless phone, so you ask a friend to call you, and you run around the house madly, following the sound until you locate the phone downstairs in the laundry basket.
  • You spend an entire week wearing sweats.
  • Your idea of a good day is making it through without a child leaking bodily fluids on you.
  • Popsicles become a food staple.
  • Your favorite television show is a cartoon.
  • Peanut butter and jelly is eaten at least in one meal a day.
  • You’re willing to kiss your child’s boo-boo, regardless of where it is.
  • Your baby’s pacifier falls on the floor and you give it back to her, after you suck the dirt off of it because your’re too busy to wash it off.
  • Your kids make jokes about flatulence, burping, pooping, ect. and you think it’s funny.
  • You’re so desperate for adult conversation that you spill your guts to the telemarketer that calls and HE hangs up on YOU!
  • Spit is your number one cleaning agent.
  • You’re up each night until 10 PM vacuuming, dusting, wiping, washing, drying, loading, unloading, shopping, cooking, driving, flushing, ironing, sweeping, picking up, changing sheets, changing diapers, bathing, helping with homework, paying bills, budgeting, clipping coupons, folding clothes, putting to bed, dragging out of bed, brushing, chasing, buckling, feeding (them, not you), PLUS swinging, playing baseball, bike riding, pushing trucks, cuddling dolls, roller balding, basketball, football, catch, bubbles, sprinklers, slides, nature walks, coloring, crafts, jumping rope, PLUS raking, trimming, planting, edging, mowing, gardening, painting, and walking the dog. You get up at 5:30 AM and you have no time to eat, sleep, drink or go to the bathroom, and yet…you still managed to gain 10 pounds.
  • In your bathroom there is toothpaste on the light fixtures, water all over the floor, a dog drinking out of the toilet and body hair forming a union to protest unsafe working conditions.
  • You buy cereal with marshmallows in it.
  • The closest you get to gourmet cooking is making rice crispies bars.

The Wallpaper

A weary mother returned from the store,
Lugging groceries through the kitchen door.
Awaiting her arrival was her 8 year old son,
Anxious to relate what his younger brother had done.

“While I was out playing and Dad was on a call,
T.J. took his crayons and wrote on the wall!
It’s on the new paper you just hung in the den.
I told him you’d be mad at having to do it again.”

She let out a moan and furrowed her brow,
“Where is your little brother right now?”
She emptied her arms and with a purposeful stride,
She marched to his closet where he had gone to hide.

She called his full name as she entered his room.
He trembled with fear–he knew that meant doom!
For the next ten minutes, she ranted and raved
About the expensive wallpaper and how she had saved.

Lamenting all the work it would take to repair,
She condemned his actions and total lack of care.
The more she scolded, the madder she got,
Then stomped from his room, totally distraught!

She headed for the den to confirm her fears.
When she saw the wall, her eyes flooded with tears.
The message she read pierced her soul with a dart.
It said, “I love Mommy,” surrounded by a heart.

Well, the wallpaper remained, just as she found it,
With an empty picture frame hung to surround it.
A reminder to her, and indeed to all,
Take time to read the handwriting on the wall.

‘Twas The Night Before Christmas…Mom Style

Twas the night before Christmas,
when all thru the abode
Only one creature was stirring,
and she was cleaning the commode.

The children were finally sleeping,
all snug in their beds,
while visions of N-64 and Barbie,
flipped through their heads.

The dad was snoring in front of the TV,
with a half-constructed bicycle propped on his knee.
So only the mom heard the reindeer hooves clatter,
which made her sigh, “Now what is the matter?”

With toilet bowl brush still clutched in her hand,
She descended the stairs, and saw the old man.
He was covered with ashes and soot, which fell with a
shrug, “Oh great,” muttered the mom, “Now I have to clean the rug.”

“Ho Ho Ho!” cried Santa, “I’m glad you’re awake.”
“Your gift was especially difficult to make.”
“Thanks, Santa, but all I want is time alone.”
“Exactly!” he chuckled, “So, I’ve made you a clone.”

“A clone?” she muttered, “What good is that?”
“Run along, Santa, I’ve no time for chit chat.”
Then out walked the clone – The mother’s twin,
Same hair, same eyes, same double chin.

“She’ll cook, she’ll dust, she’ll mop every mess.
You’ll relax, take it easy, watch The Young and The Restless.”
“Fantastic!” the mom cheered. “My dream has come true!”
“I’ll shop, I’ll read, I’ll sleep a night through!”

From the room above, the youngest did fret.
“Mommy?! Come quickly, I’m scared and I’m wet.”
The clone replied, “I’m coming, sweetheart.”
“Hey,” the mom smiled, “She sure knows her part.”

The clone changed the small one and hummed her tune,
as she bundled the child in a blanket cocoon.
“You’re the best mommy ever. I really love you.”
The clone smiled and sighed, “And I love you, too.”

The mom frowned and said, “Sorry, Santa, no deal.”
That’s my child’s LOVE she is trying to steal.”
Smiling wisely Santa said, “To me it is clear,
Only one loving mother is needed here.”

The mom kissed her child and tucked her in bed.
“Thank You, Santa, for clearing my head.
I sometimes forget, it won’t be very long,
when they’ll be too old for my cradle and song.”

The clock on the mantle began to chime.
Santa whispered to the clone, “It works every time.”
With the clone by his side Santa said “Goodnight.
Merry Christmas, dear Mom, You will be all right.”

Sometimes we need reminding of what life is all about. Especially at times during the Holiday season, when all we seem to do is clean and bake and shop and and and and and and and….You get the picture, I’m sure. So stop for a moment and hug that little one so special, whether he/she is 2 months or 22 years, or even older than that.

For they are the Gift that God gave us in life…and what a gift to be treasured, far above any other!

May the real meaning of Thanksgiving and Christmas be with you all this year.

Things a Mother Would Never Say

  • “How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?”
  • “Yeah, I used to skip school a lot, too”
  • “Just leave all the lights on … it makes the house look more cheery”
  • “Let me smell that shirt — Yeah, it’s good for another week”
  • “Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I’ll be glad to feed and walk him every day”
  • “Well, if Timmy’s Mom says it’s OK, that’s good enough for me.”
  • “The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It’s not like I’m running a prison around here.”
  • “I don’t have a tissue with me … just use your sleeve”
  • “Don’t bother wearing a jacket – the wind-chill is bound to improve”

More of What My Mother Taught Me

  • My Mother taught me LOGIC…
    “If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can’t go to the store with me.”
  • My Mother taught me MEDICINE…
    “If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they’re going to freeze that way.”
  • My Mother taught me TO THINK AHEAD…
    “If you don’t pass your spelling test, you’ll never get a good job!”
  • My Mother taught me ESP…
    “Put your sweater on; don’t you think that I know when you’re cold?”
  • My Mother taught me TO MEET A CHALLENGE…
    “What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you…Don’t talk back to me!”
  • My Mother taught me HUMOR…
    “When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.”
  • My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT…
    “If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.
  • My mother taught me ABOUT SEX…
    “How do you think you got here?”
  • My mother taught me about GENETICS…
    “You are just like your father!”
  • My mother taught me about my ROOTS…
    “Do you think you were born in a barn?”
  • My mother taught me about the WISDOM of AGE…
    “When you get to be my age, you will understand.”
  • My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION…
    “Just wait until your father gets home.”
  • My mother taught me about RECEIVING…
    “You are going to get it when we get home.”
  • And my all time favorite thing – JUSTICE…
    “One day you will have kids, and I hope they turn out just like YOU..then you’ll see what it’s like.”

My Mother Taught Me…

  • My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE
    “If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside – I just finished cleaning!”
  • My mother taught me RELIGION
    “You better pray that will come out of the carpet.”
  • My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL
    “If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week!”
  • My mother taught me LOGIC
    “Because I said so, that’s why.”
  • My mother taught me FORESIGHT
    “Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an accident.”
  • My mother taught me IRONY
    “Keep laughing and I’ll ‘give’ you something to cry about.”
  • My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS
    “Shut your mouth and eat your supper!”
  • My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM
    “Will you ‘look’ at the dirt on the back of your neck!”
  • My mother taught me about STAMINA
    “You’ll sit there ’til all that spinach is finished.”
  • My mother taught me about WEATHER
    “It looks as if a tornado swept through your room.”
  • My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS
    “If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you; would you listen then?”
  • My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY
    “If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a million times – Don’t exaggerate!!!”
  • My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE
    “I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.”
  • My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION
    “Stop acting like your father!”
  • My mother taught me about ENVY
    “There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don’t have wonderful parents like you do!”

You Know You’re A Mom When… Part 2

  • You count the sprinkles on each kid’s cupcake to make sure they’re equal.
  • You have time to shave only one leg at a time.
  • You hide in the bathroom to be alone.
  • Your kid throws up and you catch it.
  • Someone else’s kid throws up at a party. You keep eating.
  • You consider finger paints to be a controlled substance.
  • You’ve mastered the art of placing large quantities of pancakes and eggs on a plate without anything touching.
  • Your child insists that you read “Once Upon a Potty” out loud in the lobby of Grand Central Station and you do it.
  • You cling to the high moral ground on toy weapons; your child chews his toast into the shape of a gun.
  • You hope ketchup is a vegetable, since it’s the only one your child eats.
  • You can’t bear the thought of your son’s first girlfriend.
  • You hate the thought of his wife even more.
  • You find yourself cutting your husband’s sandwiches into cute shapes.
  • You can’t bear to give away baby clothes – it’s so final.
  • You hear your mother’s voice coming out of your mouth when you say, “NOT in your good clothes!”
  • You stop criticizing the way your mother raised you.
  • You donate to charities in the hope that your child won’t get that disease.
  • You hire a sitter because you haven’t been out with your husband in ages, then spend half the night checking on the kids.
  • You use your own saliva to clean your child’s face.
  • You say at least once a day, “I’m not cut out for this job”, but you know you wouldn’t trade it for anything.

Mom’s Survival Tips

  • Don’t sweat your every mistake or faux pas. They make up for the things you got away with that nobody knows about.
  • Avoid marrying anyone who deliberately flushes the toilet when you’re taking a shower.
  • When someone tells you that what he’s about to say is “for your own good,” expect the worst.
  • The value of a dog is its constant reminder of how much fun it is to act idiotic.
  • If you are lavishly praised, enjoy the taste but don’t swallow it whole.
  • When a politician says, “let me make something perfectly clear, remember that he usually won’t.
  • You children may leave home, but their stuff will be in your attic and basement forever.
  • If someone says, “I know what I mean, but I just can’t put it into words,” he doesn’t know what he means.
  • Two people cannot operate a TV remote control in the same room at the same time.
  • Don’t waste time trying to be your own best friend. You can’t pat yourself on the back, and it’s unsatisfying to cry on your own shoulder. Find a real friend instead.

Signs of a Frustrated Mother

  • Your children know how to read HTML code but can’t operate a vacuum cleaner.
  • Your children tell you that you said “yes” and you don’t even remember the question.
  • You go to the grocery store and find yourself having a good time.
  • Your husband asks how your day went and you rate it on a scale of 1-10 repeats of “stop that!” or “no!”.
  • You can’t remember the last time you didn’t have to share your drink.
  • You mistakenly tell the kids it’s “sanity” time when you meant to say “bed” time.
  • The laundry seems to have taken on an evil nature and you begin to feel that it’s out to get you.
  • You dread hearing the phone ring because it’s a sure sign there’s about to be trouble amongst the children.
  • It’s finally your turn on the computer and “Touched by an Angel” is just coming on.
  • You go to sleep with “I’m bored” or “I’m hungry” still ringing in your ears.

The Evolution of Mom

Yes, parenthood changes everything. But parenthood also changes with each baby. Here are some of the ways having a second and third child differs from having your first:

  • Your Clothes
    1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
    2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
    3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.
  • The Baby’s Name
    1st baby: You pore over baby-name books and practice pronouncing and writing combinations of all your favorites.
    2nd baby: Someone has to name his or her kid after your great-aunt Mavis, right? It might as well be you.
    3rd baby: You open a name book, close your eyes, and see where your finger points.
  • Preparing for the Birth
    1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously
    2nd baby: You don’t bother practicing because you remember that last time, breathing didn’t do a thing.
    3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your 8th month.
  • The Layette
    1st baby: You pre-wash your newborn’s clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby’s little bureau.
    2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
    3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can’t they?
  • Worries
    1st baby: At the first sign of distress — a whimper, a frown — you pick up the baby.
    2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.
    3rd baby: You teach your 3-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.
  • Activities
    1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.
    2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
    3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.
  • Going Out
    1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home 5 times.
    2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.
    3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.
  • At Home
    1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
    2nd baby: You spend a bit of every day watching to be sure your older child isn’t squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
    3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.
  • The Baby Book
    1st baby: Every single page is filled out, and you add tons of pictures, locks of hair, and other mementos.
    2nd baby: You log only the highlights and put in a couple of Christmas and birthday pictures.
    3rd baby: Yeah, you have one. Blank with nothing in it. Who has time with 2 toddlers and a baby?