Tag Archives: truths

If…

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  • If a listener nods his head when you’re explaining your program, wake him up.
  • If a man advances confidently in the direction of his dreams to live the life he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours. – Henry David Thoreau
  • If a program is useful it will be changed, if it is useless, it will be documented.
  • If a straight line fit is required, obtain only two data points.
  • If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.
  • If an experiment works, you must be using the wrong equipment.
  • If an item is advertised as "under $50", you can bet it’s not $19.95.
  • If anything can go wrong, it will.
  • If anything is used to its full potential, it will break.
  • If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment.
  • If at first you don’t succeed, blame it on your supervisor.
  • If at first you don’t succeed, cheat!
  • If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
  • If at first you don’t succeed, give up. No use being a damn fool.
  • If at first you don’t succeed, redefine success.
  • If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not your sport.
  • If at first you don’t succeed, transform your dataset.
  • If at first you don’t succeed, try something else.
  • If at first you don’t succeed, well…darn.
  • If at first you don’t succeed, you probably didn’t really care anyway.
  • If at first you don’t succeed, you’ll get a lot of free advice from folks who didn’t succeed either.
  • If at first you don’t succeed, you’re doing about average.
  • If at first you don’t succeed, your successor will.
  • If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.
  • If enough data is collected, anything can be proven by statistical methods.
  • If everything is coming your way, you are probably in the wrong lane.
  • If everything seems to be going well, you obviously do not know what is going on.
  • If everything seems to go right, check your zipper.
  • If facts do not conform to the theory, they must be disposed of.
  • If flattery gets you nowhere, try bribery.
  • If I want your opinion, I’ll ask you to fill out the necessary form.
  • If ignorance is bliss, why aren’t there more happy people?
  • If ignorance is bliss, most of us must be orgasmic.
  • If it can be borrowed and it can be broken, you will borrow it and you will break it.
  • If it doesn’t make sense, it’s either economics or psychology.
  • If it doesn’t work, expand it.
  • If it happens, it must be possible.
  • If it is good, they will stop making it.
  • If it is incomprehensible, it’s mathematics.
  • If it is worth doing, it is worth doing for money.
  • If it is worth doing, it is worth over-doing.
  • If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.
  • If it looks too good to be true, it is too good to be true.
  • If it says "one size fits all," it doesn’t fit anyone.
  • If it weren’t for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.
  • If it works, don’t fix it!
  • If jackasses could fly, this place would be an airport.
  • If more than one person is responsible for a miscalculation, no one will be at fault.
  • If Murphy’s Law can go wrong, it will.
  • If not controlled, work will flow to the competent man until he submerges.
  • If on an actuarial basis there is a 50-50 chance that something will go wrong, it will actually go wrong nine times out of ten.
  • If only one price can be obtained for a quotation, the price will be unreasonable.
  • If opportunity came disguised as temptation, one knock would be enough.
  • If people listened to themselves more often, they would talk less.
  • If reproducibility might be a problem, conduct the test only once.
  • If some people didn’t tell you, you’d never know they’d been away on vacation.
  • If something is confidential, it will be left in the photocopy machine.
  • If something is done wrong often enough, it becomes right.
  • If ‘success’ consisted simply of not taking chances, then ‘glory’ would be at the disposal of the most mediocre talent.
  • If the assumptions are wrong, the conclusions are not likely to be very good.
  • If the code and the comments disagree, then both are probably wrong.
  • If the probability of success is not almost one, it is damn near zero.
  • If the slightest probability for an unpleasant event to happen exists, the event will take place, preferably during a demonstration.
  • If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.
  • If there isn’t a law, there will be.
  • If there is light at the end of the tunnel…order more tunnel.
  • If things were left to chance, they would be better.
  • If two wrongs don’t make a right, try three.
  • If we learn by our mistakes, some of us are getting one hell of an education!
  • If you aim for the stars but only make it to the moon, remember there are people who have not yet made it to the moon.
  • If you are already in a hole, there is no use to continue digging.
  • If you are asked to join a parade, don’t march behind the elephants.
  • If you are coasting, you’re going downhill.
  • If you are feeling good, don’t worry. You’ll get over it.
  • If you are given two contradictory orders, obey them both.
  • If you are not the lead dog, the scenery never changes.
  • If you are running for a short line, it suddenly becomes a long line.
  • If you are worried about being crazy, don’t be overly concerned. If you were, you would think you were sane.
  • If you can smile when things go wrong, you must have someone to blame.
  • If you cannot convince them, confuse them. – Harry S. Truman
  • If you cannot dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bullshit.
  • If you cannot fix it, feature it.
  • If you cannot get your work done in a 24-hour day, then work nights!
  • If you cannot measure output, then you measure input.
  • If you cannot hope for order, withdraw with style from the chaos.
  • If you consult enough experts, you can confirm any opinion.
  • If you did what you always did, you’ll get what you always got.
  • If you do a job too well, you will get stuck with it.
  • If you do something right once, someone will ask you to do it again.
  • If you do not care where you are, then you aren’t lost.
  • If you do not change direction, you are likely to end up where you are headed.
  • If you do not know what you’re doing, do it neatly.
  • If you do not like the answer, you shouldn’t have asked the question.
  • If you do not make dust, you eat dust.
  • If you do not say it, they can’t repeat it.
  • If you do not understand it, it must be intuitively obvious.
  • If you explain so clearly that no one can possibly misunderstand, someone will.
  • If you file it, you’ll know where it is but never need it. If you don’t file it, you’ll need it but never know where it is.
  • If you have always done it that way, it is probably wrong.
  • If you have got them by the testicles, their hearts and minds will follow.
  • If you have nothing to do, don’t do it here.
  • If you have something to do, and you put it off long enough, chances are someone else will do it for you.
  • If you have to ask, you are not entitled to know.
  • If you just try long enough and hard enough, you can always manage to boot yourself in the posterior.
  • If you keep anything long enough, you can throw it away.
  • If you keep saying things are going to be bad, you have a chance of being a prophet.
  • If you live in a country run by committee, be on the committee.
  • If you make people think they’re thinking, they’ll love you; but if you really make them think they’ll hate you.
  • If you mess with a thing long enough, it will break.
  • If you plan to leave your mark in the sands of time, you better wear work shoes.
  • If you put it off long enough, it might go away.
  • If you see a man approaching you with the obvious intent of doing you good, you should run for your life.
  • If you see that there are four possible ways in which a procedure can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way, unprepared for, promptly develops.
  • If you stand in one place long enough, you make a line.
  • If you step out of a short line for a second, it becomes a long line.
  • If you think that OSHA is a small town in Wisconsin, you’re in trouble.
  • If you think the problem is bad now, just wait until we’ve solved it.
  • If you throw something away, you will need it the next day.
  • If you try to please everybody, nobody will like it.
  • If you understand it, it is obsolete.

Great Truths About Life that Adults Have Learned

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  • Raising teenagers is like trying to nail Jell-O to a tree.
  • There’s always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don’t hurt.
  • Reason to smile: Every seven minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
  • The best way to keep kids at home is to make the home a pleasant atmosphere…and let the air out of their tires.
  • Families are like fudge…mostly sweet with a few nuts.
  • Middle age is when you choose cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
  • The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
  • If you can remain calm, you don’t have all the facts.
  • Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day.
  • You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.

Medical Truths

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  • The patient furthest away from the nurses’ station rings the call bell more often than the patient nearest to the nurses’ station.
  • You always remember “just one more thing” you need after you’ve gowned, gloved, and masked and gone into that isolation room.
  • The correct depth of compression in adult CPR is a bit less than the depth you just reached when you broke those ribs.
  • When you cancel extra staff because it’s so quiet, you are guaranteed a rash of admissions.
  • If you wear a new white uniform, expect to be thrown up on. Corollary: Residents always poop on your brand new shoes.
  • There is always a way, and it usually doesn’t work.
  • When management smiles at you, be afraid, very afraid …
  • Staffing will gladly send you three aides–but you have to float two of your RNs.
  • As soon as you discontinue the IV line, more fluids will be ordered.
  • Mandatory meetings are always scheduled after you’ve had the night from hell and just want to go home to bed.
  • You always forget what it was you wanted after you get to the supply room. You always remember when you get back to the other end …
  • Doctors only ask your name when the patient isn’t doing well.
  • Success occurs when no one is looking, failure occurs when the boss is watching.
  • The more sophisticated the equipment, the longer it takes to get repaired.
  • Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
  • As soon as you’ve ordered the pizzas, 25 patients show up at the ER registration desk along with three ambulances all with cardiac arrests!

Great Truths from Small Children

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  • When your mom is mad at your dad, don’t let her brush your hair.
  • If your sister hits you, don’t hit her back. They always catch the second person.
  • Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
  • You can’t trust dogs to watch your food.
  • Reading what people write on desks can teach you a lot.
  • Don’t sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
  • Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic tac.
  • Never hold a dustbuster and a cat at the same time.
  • Don’t wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
  • A pencil without an eraser may as well just be a pen.
  • Don’t say that the “Last One is a Rotten Egg” unless you’re absolutely sure there’s a slow kid behind you.
  • You can’t start over just because you’re losing the game.
  • All libraries smell the same.
  • If you want someone to listen to you, whisper it.