Category Archives: For/About Men

Rules to Date My Daughter

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  • Rule #1
    My daughter’s name is Stephanie. Her name is not “Mama”, “Houchie”, “Babe”, “Yo Bitch”, or any other name currently in the vocabulary of your age group identifying young women. With her permission, you may call her by her nickname, “Sam.” If I hear any of these other terms used to refer to my sweet girl you will get an immediate response from me, her father.

  • Rule #2
    I am Stephanie’s father. You can call me “Sir”. This is as in “Yes Sir”, “No Sir”, “I wouldn’t think of it, Sir”, and “I will remember that good advice, Sir.”

  • Rule #3
    Do not touch my daughter in front of me as it may provoke an uncontrollable and probably overly aggressive response on my part. You may glance at her as long as your glances are from the neck up.

  • Rule #4
    When a woman says “No” it means “No!” However, when Stephanie says “No” it means, “If you do not immediately stop what you are doing I will tell my Daddy and very soon, when you are alone and least expect it, he will be standing behind you in the dark with a grin on his face waiting for you to turn around so you and he can have a “friendly” chat.”

  • Rule #5
    If you stop in front of my house and honk you had better be delivering a pizza. If I learn that you are honking for my daughter I will come outside and twist off your honker. Also, be aware that I will be observing to see if Stephanie opens her own car door. I open the door for my mother, my wife, my daughter, and any other woman who gets in my car. You should do the same. However, if I ever get into your car, please do not open my door.

  • Rule #6
    When you meet me for the first time please do not be uncomfortable if I stare at you. I am only doing this so I can cement the memory of what you look like into my mind. This, of course, is in case I have to come after you for violating one of the rules. I would hate for there to ever be a case of mistaken identity involving an innocent bystander.

  • Rule #7
    Please bring my daughter back home in the same shape she left in. Drive carefully. Protect her from drunks and obnoxious people. Do not coax her to try drugs or alcohol. Always be ready to use your body to get between her and any objects flying in her direction. Also, I expect her clothing to come back in the same condition it left in. You should know that I would not react well if I saw even one grass stain on any portion of her clothing.

  • Rule #8
    Do not go to school and tell stories to your pals about my daughter, whether true or untrue. If you do, be prepared to explain to those same pals how that mouse appeared under your right eye.

  • Rule #9
    I am aware it is considered fashionable for boys your age to want to put “hickeys” on the necks of their girlfriends. I can only guess it is done to show your friends how passionate you can get. If you ever get that passionate feeling with my daughter and have the desire to suck on her neck, please remember, a hickey on my daughter’s neck only tells me that you have no concern for your well-being.

  • Rule #10
    Stephanie will always have a specific time in the evening when I expect her home. Please take this curfew seriously because I will not be able to sleep until I know she has safely returned home. If you bring her home too late or, God forbid, the next morning, the camouflaged face looking in the window of your car will be mine.

Last Comment From Dad:

Young man, if you are still here after reading these rules you must really care for my daughter. This is the way to get me on your side. Seriously, there is only one rule. This one rule is simply that you care for my daughter as much as I do.

Why Cybersex is Better

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  • If the date goes bad, changing your Screen Name is easier then changing your real name.
  • Bathing, dressing, supplying atmosphere is optional.
  • If you get drunk and blackout, you only wake up next to a keyboard.
  • You can exercise your offensive habits without embarrassing yourself.
  • Viagra! Who needs Viagra?
  • Your partner could have more of a personality than your inflatable friends.
  • Three words: No shotgun weddings.
  • All guys look like George Clooney and all women like Pamela Anderson.
  • They never have to know you live in your parents basement.
  • If you catch a virus, only your computer dies.

Continuing Education Courses for Men

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  • Meaningful Communication: Where No Man Has Gone Before
  • The Undiscovered Side of Baking: You Do It
  • Combating the Couch Potato Syndrome: Surprise, The NFL (NBA, etc) Does NOT Require Your Nightly Patronage to Remain On-air!
  • Parties: How to Go Home with Whoever You Came With
  • Woman Management: Discover How Minor Household Chores Can Be Done By You Too!
  • Bathroom Etiquette I: Putting Down the Seat
  • Bathroom Etiquette II: Toothpaste, On the Brush, Not in the Sink
  • Valuation: Just Because It’s Not Important to You…
  • Communication Skills I: How to Speak Intelligibly
  • Communication Skills II: Keeping Your “Word”
  • Communication Skills III: Getting/Keeping The Girl You Want Requires the Removal of These Words from Your Speech Pattern…
  • Driving a Car Safely: You Can DO it!
  • Party Etiquette: Avoiding Alcohol After You Can’t Stand Upright
  • Telephone Skills: How to Use One, and NOT Two Weeks After Receiving Her Number
  • Introduction to Parking
  • Advanced Parking: Reversing Into A Space
  • Overcoming Stupid Behavior: Don’t Treat Her Different When Your Friends Are Around
  • liquid Grain Storage: On Your Stomach, It is Fat
  • Cooking I: How to Eat IN
  • Cooking II: How to NOT Have Heart Attack By Age 21
  • Cooking III: How to Inflict a Diet on YOURSELF
  • Compliments: How to Give Them
  • PMS: You Try It
  • Dancing: Why Men Ought To
  • Sex – How to Slow Down
  • Classic Clothing: How To Match
  • Cleaning: She Is Not Your Momma
  • Laundry: How to Do It
  • Intense Discussion About the Functions of Your Car: For Men Only
  • Oil and Gas: Your Hair, Your Intestines. Problems NOT for Public Demonstration
  • Learning to Ask Directions
  • Appreciating Soaps, Colognes, etc…
  • “How Was I?” – Why Women lie
  • TV Remotes: Not Your Personal Property
  • Sexy lingerie: The Difference Between SEXY and Risque

More Classes For Men

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At our Local Learning Center for Adults
Sign Up By March 25th

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF THEIR CONTENTS, EACH COURSE WILL ACCEPT A MAXIMUM OF 8 PARTICIPANTS EACH.

Topic 1: How to Fill Up the Ice Cube Trays. Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.

Topic 2: The Toilet Paper Roll. Does it Change Itself? — Round Table Discussion.

Topic 3: Is It Possible to Urinate Using the Technique of Lifting the Seat and Avoiding the Floor/Walls/Nearby Bathtub? — Group Practice.

Topic 4: Fundamental Differences Between the Laundry Hamper and the Floor. Pictures/Explanatory Graphics.

Topic 5: After Dinner Dishes. Can They Levitate and Fly Into the Kitchen Sink? — Examples on Video

Topic 6: Loss of Identity – Losing the Remote to Your Significant Other. — Help Line Support and Support Groups

Topic 7: Learning How to Find Things – Starting with Looking in the Right Places Instead of Turning the House Upside Down While screaming. Open Forum.

Topic 8: Health Watch – Bringing her Flowers is Not Harmful to Your Health. Graphics and Audio Tapes.

Topic 9: Real Men ask for Directions When Lost. Real Life Testimonials.

Topic 10: Is it Genetically Impossible to Sit Quietly While she Parallel Parks? — Driving Simulations

Topic 11: Learning to Live – Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife. Online Classes and Role-playing.

Topic 12: How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion. Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.

Topic 13: How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy – Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You’re Going to be Late. Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.

Topic 14: The Stove/Oven – What it is and How it is Used. Live demonstration.

** Upon completion of the course, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.**

Seminars for Males

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  • Combating Stupidity
  • You, too, can do housework
  • PMS — Learn when to keep your mouth shut.
  • How to fill an ice tray
  • We do not want sleazy underthings for Christmas — Give us money
  • Understanding the female response to your coming in drunk at 4:00am
  • Wonderful laundry techniques (formerly titled “Don’t wash my silks”)
  • Parenting — No, it doesn’t end with conception
  • Get a life — learn to cook
  • How not to act like an jerk when you’re obviously wrong
  • Spelling — Even you can get it right
  • Understanding your financial incompetence
  • You — The Weaker Sex
  • Reasons to give flowers
  • How to stay awake after sex
  • Why it is unacceptable to relieve yourself anywhere but the bathroom
  • Garbage — Getting it to the curb
  • You can fall asleep without “It” if you really try
  • The morning dilemma if “It’s” awake. Take a shower
  • I’ll wear it if I damn well please
  • How to put the toilet lid down (formerly “No, it’s not a bidet”)
  • “The weekend” and “sports” are not synonyms
  • Give me a break! Why we know your excuses are BS
  • How to go shopping with your mate and not get lost
  • The remote control — Overcoming your dependency
  • Romanticism – Ideas other than sex
  • Helpful postural hints for couch potatoes
  • Mother-in-laws — They are people, too
  • Male bonding — Leaving your friends at home
  • You too can be a designated driver
  • Seeing the true you (formerly “No, you don’t look like Mel Gibson, especially when naked!”)
  • Changing your underwear — It really works
  • Techniques for calling home

How To Survive With Women

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Treat Them Like Your Car!

  • Give it a regular, thorough going over.
  • Touch up the exterior.
  • Rub it down nicely.
  • Make sure it’s waxed regularly.
  • Is it easy to turn on? Does it need manual crank starting?
  • Ensure your stick is firm and is not jamming.
  • Change the lubrication.
  • Check the rubber is not wearing thin.
  • Keep an eye out for bald patches.
  • Lift up the front and have a long hard look.
  • Check the rear end is clean and tidy.
  • Check for spare tire and any handles.
  • Keep an eye on fuel consumption.
  • Make sure the top can come down and look good on hot, summer days.
  • Make sure you will not have to spend half your paycheck on accessories for it.
  • Are the bodywork and lines to your liking? Is the interior comfortable?
  • Ensure that it responds well to you when you’re in the driving seat.
  • Make sure it’s always clean inside.

The Key to Bra Sizes

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Men, ya ever wonder what those bra cup size really mean? I’ve found the secret.


  • A — “A”lmost boobs.
  • B — “B”arely there.
  • C — “C”an do.
  • D — “D”amn good.
  • E — “E”normous.
  • F — “F”ake.
  • G — “G”igantic.
  • H — “H”umongous.
  • I — “I”ncredible.

Signs She is Bored Having Sex With You

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  • After you request sex she replies, “Wait ’til the Nyquil kicks in.”
  • Gets very upset when the ashtray falls off your ass.
  • Actually answers when you ask “Who’s your daddy?”
  • Last time she screamed during sex was the first time she won at solitaire.
  • Only moans during commercial breaks.
  • Starts her fake orgasms during foreplay.
  • Keeps trying to set you up with her friends.
  • Runs for vacant Senate seat in New York.
  • You are currently sitting backstage at the Springer show.
  • Beginning to think she is only “playing” dead.
  • During the act, she actually yelled out, “Oh, Baby, Yadda, Yadda, Yadda.”
  • Has suddenly started making you pay in advance.
  • Her moans of delight discovered to actually be a .wav file.
  • Instead of asking to leave her shirt on, she wants to leave her pants on too.
  • Keeps asking “Are you SURE you’re not gay?”
  • Boredom? So that’s why she keeps deflating!!
  • Holds up a picture of the Playboy centerfold to hurry you along.
  • Asks to be on top so she can balance her checkbook better.
  • She yells out her own name.
  • Bangs her head on the headboard BEFORE you begin.

Which is the Better Invention?

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Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter tells Ford, “Well, you’ve been such a good guy and your invention the car changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone you want in heaven.”

So Henry Ford thinks about it and says: “I want to hang out with Adam, the first man.” — So the guy at the gates points Adam out to Ford.

When Ford gets to Adam, Ford asks “Hey aren’t you the inventor of woman?”

Adam says: “Yes.”

“Well,” says Ford, “You have some major design flaws in your invention :

  1. There is too much front end protrusion
  2. It chatters at high speeds
  3. The rear end wobbles too much
  4. and the intake is too close to the exhaust.”

“Hmmmmm..” says Adam, “Hold on.” So Adam goes to the celestial computer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the results. The computer prints out a slip of paper and Adam reads it. He then says to Ford, “It may be that my invention is flawed, but according to the stellar
computer, more men are riding my invention than yours.”

Bedtime Prayer for Men

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As I lay me down to sleep
I pray for a woman who’s very cheap.

One who’s sexy, blonde and long.
Who notices that she’s mostly wrong.

One who sucks and doesn’t speak.
And promises to do so at least once a week.

I pray that she is very randy,
’cause one like that would come in pretty handy.

Opens her legs and lies on the floor,
and once I’m done, she wants no more.

Oh, send me a woman who will not play with my mind.
Who knows what she wants and that’s a LOT from behind!

One who’ll screw till my body’s a twitchin’
and brings me a beer when she comes from the kitchen!

I pray that she’ll last right up to the end,
And would never complain when I do her best friend.

Thanks in advance and you know I can’t wait,
so I’ll screw all the rest ’cause it’s never too late.

Amen.