Rules to Date My Daughter

  • Rule #1
    My daughter’s name is Stephanie. Her name is not “Mama”, “Houchie”, “Babe”, “Yo Bitch”, or any other name currently in the vocabulary of your age group identifying young women. With her permission, you may call her by her nickname, “Sam.” If I hear any of these other terms used to refer to my sweet girl you will get an immediate response from me, her father.
  • Rule #2
    I am Stephanie’s father. You can call me “Sir”. This is as in “Yes Sir”, “No Sir”, “I wouldn’t think of it, Sir”, and “I will remember that good advice, Sir.”
  • Rule #3
    Do not touch my daughter in front of me as it may provoke an uncontrollable and probably overly aggressive response on my part. You may glance at her as long as your glances are from the neck up.
  • Rule #4
    When a woman says “No” it means “No!” However, when Stephanie says “No” it means, “If you do not immediately stop what you are doing I will tell my Daddy and very soon, when you are alone and least expect it, he will be standing behind you in the dark with a grin on his face waiting for you to turn around so you and he can have a “friendly” chat.”
  • Rule #5
    If you stop in front of my house and honk you had better be delivering a pizza. If I learn that you are honking for my daughter I will come outside and twist off your honker. Also, be aware that I will be observing to see if Stephanie opens her own car door. I open the door for my mother, my wife, my daughter, and any other woman who gets in my car. You should do the same. However, if I ever get into your car, please do not open my door.
  • Rule #6
    When you meet me for the first time please do not be uncomfortable if I stare at you. I am only doing this so I can cement the memory of what you look like into my mind. This, of course, is in case I have to come after you for violating one of the rules. I would hate for there to ever be a case of mistaken identity involving an innocent bystander.
  • Rule #7
    Please bring my daughter back home in the same shape she left in. Drive carefully. Protect her from drunks and obnoxious people. Do not coax her to try drugs or alcohol. Always be ready to use your body to get between her and any objects flying in her direction. Also, I expect her clothing to come back in the same condition it left in. You should know that I would not react well if I saw even one grass stain on any portion of her clothing.
  • Rule #8
    Do not go to school and tell stories to your pals about my daughter, whether true or untrue. If you do, be prepared to explain to those same pals how that mouse appeared under your right eye.
  • Rule #9
    I am aware it is considered fashionable for boys your age to want to put “hickeys” on the necks of their girlfriends. I can only guess it is done to show your friends how passionate you can get. If you ever get that passionate feeling with my daughter and have the desire to suck on her neck, please remember, a hickey on my daughter’s neck only tells me that you have no concern for your well-being.
  • Rule #10
    Stephanie will always have a specific time in the evening when I expect her home. Please take this curfew seriously because I will not be able to sleep until I know she has safely returned home. If you bring her home too late or, God forbid, the next morning, the camouflaged face looking in the window of your car will be mine.

Last Comment From Dad:

Young man, if you are still here after reading these rules you must really care for my daughter. This is the way to get me on your side. Seriously, there is only one rule. This one rule is simply that you care for my daughter as much as I do.