- It’s more fun to color outside the lines.
- If you’re going draw on the wall, do it behind the couch.
- Ask why until you understand.
- Hang on tight.
- Even if you’ve been fishing for 3 hours and haven’t gotten anything except poison ivy and a sunburn, you’re still better off than the worm.
- Make up the rules as you go along.
- It doesn’t matter who started it.
- Ask for sprinkles.
- If the horse you’re drawing looks more like a dog, make it a dog.
- Save a place in line for your friends.
- Sometimes you have to take the test before you’ve finished studying.
- If you want a kitten, start out asking for a horse.
- Picking your nose when no one else is looking is still picking your nose.
- Just keep banging until someone opens the door.
- Making your bed is a waste of time.
- There is no good reason why clothes have to match.
- Even Popeye didn’t eat his spinach until he absolutely had to.
- If your dog doesn’t like someone, you probably shouldn’t either.
- Toads aren’t ugly, they’re just toads.
- Don’t pop someone else’s bubble.
- You work so hard peddling up the hill that you hate to brake on the way down.
- If you stand on tiptoe to be measured this year, you’ll have to stand on tiptoe for the rest of your life.
- You can’t ask to start over just because you’re losing the game.
- Chasing the cat is more fun than catching it.
- Make your mother proud of you.
Category Archives: Families
Kids on Love
Tips on love, all questions were answered by kids, age 5-10.
- WHAT IS THE PROPER AGE TO GET MARRIED??
“Eighty-four, Because at that age, you don’t have to work anymore, and you can spend all your time loving each other in your bedroom.” (Judy, 8)
“Once I’m done with kindergarten, I’m going to find me a wife.” (Tom, 5) - WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE??
“On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.” (Mike, 10) - WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE??
“You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a big ring and her own VCR, ’cause she’ll want to have videos of the wedding.” (Jim, 10)
“Never kiss in front of other people. It’s a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you. But if nobody sees you, I might be willing to try
it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours.” (Kally, 9) - THE GREAT DEBATE: IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED??
“It’s better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them.” (Lynette, 9)
“It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I’m just a kid. I don’t need that kind of trouble.” (Kenny, 7) - CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO PARTICULAR PEOPLE
“No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell. That’s why perfume and deodorant are so popular.” (Jan, 9)
“I think you’re supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn’t supposed to be so painful.” (Harlen, 8) - ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE
“Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life.” (Roger, 9)
“If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don’t want to do it. It takes too long.” (Leo, 7) - ON THE ROLE OF GOOD LOOKS IN LOVE
“If you want to be loved by somebody who isn’t already in your family, it doesn’t hurt to be beautiful.” (Jeanne, 8)
“It isn’t always just how you look. Look at me. I’m handsome like anything and I haven’t got anybody to marry me yet.” (Gary, 7)
“Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time.” (Christine, 9) - CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS
“They want to make sure their rings don’t fall off because they paid good money for them.” (Dave, 8) - CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE
“I’m in favor of love as long as it doesn’t happen when ‘The Simpsons’ is on television.” (Anita, 6)
“Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I have been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me.” (Bobby, 8)
“I’m not rushing into being in love – I’m finding fourth grade hard enough.” (Regina, 10) - THE PERSONAL QUALITIES NECESSARY TO BE A GOOD LOVER
“One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills.” (Ava, 8) - SOME SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU
“Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores.” (Del, 6)
“Don’t do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention ain’t the same thing as love.” (Alonzo, 9)
“One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it’s something she likes to eat. French fries usually works for me.” (Bart, 9) - HOW CAN YOU TELL IF TWO ADULTS EATING DINNER AT A RESTAURANT ARE IN LOVE?
“Just see if the man picks up the check. That’s how you can tell if he’s in love.” (John, 9)
“Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get cold. Other people care more about the food.” (Brad, 8)
“It’s love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire. They like to order those because it’s just like how their hearts are on fire.” (Christine, 9)
Ways Life Would Change If Men Got Pregnant
- Maternity leave would last two years…with full pay!
- There’d be a cure for stretch marks.
- Natural childbirth would become obsolete. {Eg: You want me to push this through WHAT?!!}
- Morning sickness would rank as the nation’s No. 1 health problem.
- All methods of birth control would be improved to 100% effectiveness.
- Children would be kept in the hospital until they were toilet-trained and over the “Terrible Twos.”
- Men would be eager to talk about commitment.
- They wouldn’t think twins were quite so cute.
- Fathers would demand that their sons be home from dates by 10 p.m.
- Men could use their briefcases as diaper bags.
- They’d stay in bed for the entire nine months.
- Menus at most restaurants would list ice cream and pickles as an entree.
- Women would rule the world.
Great Truths from Small Children
- When your mom is mad at your dad, don’t let her brush your hair.
- If your sister hits you, don’t hit her back. They always catch the second person.
- Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
- You can’t trust dogs to watch your food.
- Reading what people write on desks can teach you a lot.
- Don’t sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
- Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic tac.
- Never hold a dustbuster and a cat at the same time.
- Don’t wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
- A pencil without an eraser may as well just be a pen.
- Don’t say that the “Last One is a Rotten Egg” unless you’re absolutely sure there’s a slow kid behind you.
- You can’t start over just because you’re losing the game.
- All libraries smell the same.
- If you want someone to listen to you, whisper it.
From The Mouths Of Babes…
- “Close the curtains,” requested our 2 year old granddaughter, sitting in a pool of bright light. “The sun’s looking at me too hard.”
- My friend asked our grandson when he would turn 6. He replied, “When I’m tired of being 5.”
- Seeing her first hailstorm, Mary Sue, age 3, exclaimed, “Mommy, it’s raining dumplings!”
- As I frantically waved away a pesky fly with a white dishtowel, my granddaughter observed, “Maybe he thinks you’re surrendering.”
- A friend’s grandson, 4, was reading with his granddad about Adam and Eve. He asked, “Is this where God took out the man’s brain and made a woman?”
- Announcing to daughter Lori that her aunt just had a baby and it looked like her uncle, she said, “You mean he has a mustache?”
- When I asked our grandson if he could name the capital of Florida, he fired right back, “Capital F!”
- While shampooing our son, 4, I noted his hair was growing so fast he’d soon need it cut. He replied, “Maybe we shouldn’t water it so much.”
- My daughter told her 5-year-old that their van was going to be fixed. Instantly, the small fry assumed, “Oh, it’s going to the tire-o-practor?”
- Impressed by her 5-year-old’s vocabulary, my friend complimented the young scholar, who nonchalantly responded, ” I have words in my head I haven’t even used yet.”
- His Mom informed her son, Brian, that she was going outside to get a little sun. “But Mommy, he gulped, “You already have a son. Me!”
- When our son asked about two look-alike classmates at school, we told him they were probably twins. The next day, he came home from school all bubbly and said, “Guess what! They are not only twins….they’re brothers!!”
The Fishing Babysitter
A boy was taking care of his baby sister while his parents went shopping. He decided to go fishing and he had to take her along.
“I’ll never do that again!” he told his mother that evening. “I didn’t catch a thing!”
“Oh, next time I’m sure she’ll be quiet and not scare the fish away,” his mother said.
The boy said, “It wasn’t that. She ate all the bait.”
Father’s Lexicon
- Don’t ask me, ask your mother.
- Close that door!
- Were you raised in a barn?
- You didn’t beat me. I let you win.
- Big boys don’t cry.
- Don’t worry. It’s only blood.
- Don’t you know any normal boys?
- Now you listen to ME, Buster!
- I’ll play catch after I read the paper.
- Coffee will stunt your growth.
- A little dirt never hurt anyone, just wipe it off..
- Get your elbows off the table!
- I told you, keep your eye on the ball.
- Who said life was supposed to be fair?
- Always say please and thank you. That way, you get more.
- If you forget, you’ll be grounded till the end of the world.
- You call that a haircut??
- “Hey” is for horses.
- This will hurt me a lot more than it hurts you.
- Turn off those lights.
- Do you think I am made of money?
- Don’t give me any of your lip, young lady!
- You call that noise “music?”
- We’re not lost. I’m just not sure where we are.
- No, we’re not there yet.
- Shake it off. It’s only pain.
- When I was your age, I treated MY father with respect.
- As long as you live under my roof, you’ll live by my rules.
- I’ll tell you why. Because I said so. That’s why!
- Do what I say, not what I do.
- Sit up straight, knucklehead!
- So you think you’re smart, do you?
- What’s so funny? Wipe that smile off your face.
- Young ladies do not sweat; they perspire.
- If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a thousand times.
- C’mon, you throw like a girl.
- You want something to do? I’ll give you something to do.
- You should visit more often. Your mother worries.
- This is your last warning!
- If you shake it more than three times, you’re playing with it.
- What are your intentions with my daughter?
- I’d better get a good report, or you better head to Mexico.
- I’m not sleeping, I was watching that channel.
- What keeps those jeans of yours from falling off?
- I’m not just talking to hear my own voice!
- Don’t believe anything you hear and only half of what you see.
- What do you think I am, a bank?
- What part of NO don’t you understand?
- I don’t care what other people are doing! I’m not everybody else’s Father!
- You’re not leaving my house dressed like that! What will other parents think?
- Could those sleeves be any longer? You look like a bag lady!
- Headache remedy: Put your head through the window, and the pain will be gone.
- Worrying about things you can’t change is like a rocking chair…
- it gives you something to do, but it doesn’t get you anywhere.
- I feel for you, but I can’t reach you from here.
- If you’re gonna be dumb, you’ve gotta be tough.
- Didn’t your teacher learn you anything?!
- You can marry a rich guy just as easily as you can a poor guy.
- It’s hard to be good, and easy to be bad.
- If you’re going to steal a car, at least make it a Cadillac (but don’t call me asking for bail.)
- Don’t tell on anybody unless you tell on yourself first.
- Hey, did you hear me talking to you?
- You know you’re always gonna be Daddy’s little girl.
- I’m not watching television. I’m resting my eyes.
- Don’t use that tone with me!
- Am I talking to a brick wall?
- If I catch you doing that one more time, I’ll..
- Act your age.
- Two wrongs do not make a right.
- Wipe your feet!
- Enough is enough!
- Don’t make me stop the car!
- What did I just get finished telling you?
Fatal Things to Say If Your Wife is Pregnant
- “I finished the Oreos.”
- “Not to imply anything, but I don’t think the kid weighs forty pounds.”
- “Y’know, looking at her, you’d never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby..!!”
- “I sure hope your thighs aren’t gonna stay that flabby forever!”
- “Well, couldn’t they induce labor? The 25th is the Super Bowl.”
- “Darned if you ain’t about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella.”
- “Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!”
- “Are your ankles supposed to look like that?”
- “Get your *own* ice cream.”
- “Geez, you’re awfully puffy looking today.”
- “Got milk?”
- “Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney.”
- “You don’t have the guts to pull the trigger…”
Daaad!
A small boy is sent to bed by his father.
Five minutes later….”Da-ad….”
“What?”
“I’m thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?”
“No. You had your chance. Lights out.”
Five minutes later…
“Da-aaaad…..”
“WHAT?”
“I’m THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??”
“I told you NO!” If you ask again, I’ll have to spank you!!”
Five minutes later…
“Daaaa-aaaad…..”
“WHAT!”
“When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?”
Bannisters
Little Johnny and Suzy have nothing to do one day while in the house playing. All of a sudden, Johnny gets this great idea. “Let’s take turns sliding down the banister rail!” he suggests.
“Oh no,” answers Suzy, “That is way too scary.”
“No, it is not,” says Johnny, “it will be fun!” He proceeds to the top of the stairs. The banister rail is long and very smooth with a beautiful big marble ball at its base. Johnny climbs on and down he goes, squealing with excitement as he goes. He jumps off just before he gets to the marble ball at the bottom. “That was great,” he says. “Come on, you try now.”
Suzy still is not quite sure that this is such a good idea. “No,” she says, “It looks too scary.
”
“No, it is not,” said Johnny, and away he goes again to the top of the stairs. He climbs on and down he goes again, having just as much fun as he did the first time. He jumps off just before the marble ball at the bottom. “You gotta try this, it is the best!” urges Johnny. Well, little Suzy is not one to stay scared for very long and this really does look like fun, so she agrees. To the top of the stairs she goes. She straddles the banister rail, and slowly lets go with her hands. Down she goes, a lot faster than she expected. WHAM! Right into the marble ball at the bottom.
Little Suzy starts to cry and almost falls off the banister rail. When Johnny sees her so upset, crying ever harder and holding her groin where she collided with the marble ball, he gets a little scared that maybe she has really hurt herself.
“Maybe you had better let me see,” suggests Little Johnny. So Suzy lifts her little dress and pulls down her panties. Little Johnny’s face goes pale white. “OH, NO!” he shouts. “This is horrible! You knocked it right off!”