- Hot Flashes
You sell your home heating system at a yard sale. - Night Sweats
The person you sleep with complains about snow piling up on the bed. - Mood Swings
Your husband jokes that instead of buying a wood stove, he is using you to heat the family room this winter. Rather than just saying you are not amused, you shoot him. - Memory Loss
You write post-it notes with your kid’s names on them. - Irritability
Your husband chirps, “Hi honey, I’m home,” and your reply is, “Well, if it isn’t Ozzie f**king Nelson.” - Sleeplessness
The phenobarbital dose that wiped out the Heaven’s Gate Cult gives you four hours of decent rest. - Fatigue
You find Guacamole in your hair after a Mexican dinner. - Mild Incontinence
You change your underwear after every sneeze. - Sudden Weight Gain
You need the ‘Jaws Of Life’ to help you out of your car after returning home from an Italian restaurant. - Dryness
You ask Jiffy Lube to put you up on a hoist. - Female Hormone Deficiency
You take a sudden interest in”Wrestlemania”. - Hormone Therapy
You’re on so much estrogen that you take your Brownie troop on a field trip to Chippendales.
Tag Archives: lists
How Men And Dogs Are Alike
- Both take up too much space on the bed.
- Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaners.
- Both are threatened by their own kind.
- Both mark their territory.
- Both are suspicious of the postman.
- Both are bad at asking you questions.
- Both pass gas shamelessly.
- Both like dominance games.
- Both tend to smell riper with age.
- Neither of them tells you what’s bothering them.
- Neither of them does dishes.
- Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.
- Neither knows how to talk on the telephone.
- Neither understands what you see in cats.
- The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
The Lighter Side of Marriage
- Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence (a life sentence!).
- Marriage is very much like a violin; after the sweet music is over, the strings are attached.
- Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore, marriage is an institution for the blind.
- Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor’s Degree and the woman gets her Masters.
- Marriage is a thing which puts a ring on a woman’s finger and two under the man’s eyes.
- Marriage certificate is just another word for a work permit.
- Marriage is not just a having a wife, but also worries inherited forever.
- Married life is full of excitement and frustration:
In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they BOTH speak and the NEIGHBORS listen - It is true that love is blind but marriage is definitely an eye-opener.
- Getting married is very much like going to the restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.
- It’s true that all men are born free and equal, but some of them get MARRIED!
- There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced.
- A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking; the husband gives and the wife takes.
- Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad?
Father: I don’t know son, I’m still paying for it. - Son: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries.
Father: That happens everywhere, son, EVERYWHERE! - There was a man who said, “I never knew what happiness was until I got married…and then it was too late!”
- Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
- They say when a man holds a woman’s hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage, it is self-defense.
- When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.
- There was this lover who said that he would go through hell for her. They got married, and now he is going through HELL.
SO ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT TO GO THROUGH IT? 🙂 You Bet!
Precepts of the Manly Man
- The floor is considered an acceptable clothing storage location
- Never ask me to purchase feminine products. Assume that I will come home with the wrong thing.
- When watching TV hugging is always fine because I can still see the screen. Kissing should only be done during timeouts and commercials. Questions should also be limited to this period as you stand a much better chance of getting an immediate response.
- When we are watching your show and I change the channels during a commercial do not hassle me that they are over to change the channel back. I always know when the timing is right. Also, when we are channel surfing do not ask me to go back, there was a good reason why I skipped it.
- If you need help with the laundry, I am more than willing to carry it from the bedroom to the washer. In my mind this is half the chore and I am not free to return to the couch.
- If I mention that a male friend of mine is allowed to do something it is not necessary for you to call his wife/girlfriend to discuss it.
- If you don’t like the way I am driving close your eyes. And I would appreciate it if you would refrain from making that reverse inhaling alarmed noise. I haven’t hit anything yet and if I do it will be your fault.
- I go clothes shopping to buy, never to look.
- Just tell me what you want me to wear before I get dressed. And remember that this takes me less than ten minutes to matter what the occasion is. After all, I am getting dressed, not getting ready.
- Don’t ask me if I prefer one outfit over another or if a certain accessory should be worn or not. I consider this a no win situation and would rather just
wait for you to get dressed while watching TV. - If you want me to put the seat down when I am finished then you should leave the seat up when you are finished. It’s only fair. And stop giving me a hard time about missing the bowl. What do you expect from an organ that has a brain of its own.
- I will cook anything as long as it is on the BBQ.
- Yelling to me across the house sounds exactly like stadium crowd
background noise to me. I am not ignoring you.
Man is Like an Automobile…
- As it gets older, the differential starts slopping, and the U-joints get worn, causing the drive shaft to go bad.
- The transmission won’t go into high gear and sometimes has difficulty getting out of low. Overdrive is out of the question!
- The cylinders get worn and lost compression, making it hard to climb the slightest incline. When it is climbing the tappets clatter and ping to the point where one wonders if the old bus will make it to the top.
- The carburetor gets fouled with pollutants and other matter, making it hard to get started in the morning. His gas fumes can kill ya!
- It is hard to keep the radiator filled because of the leaking hose. His frame has a big bow in the middle too. The thermostat goes out, making it difficult to reach operating temperature. The headlights grow dim, and the battery needs constant recharging.
- His shifter is stuck in the down position which is the ‘low position’ and ya can’t get anywhere that way.
- But if the body looks good, we can keep it washed and polished, giving the impression it can compete with newer models and make one more trip down the primrose lane before the head gasket blows.
The Right And Wrong Way to Ask A Man
- Do say: would you please take out the garbage?
Do not say: could you get off your big butt and do something around here? What am I, the maid? - Do say: would you like to go out to a nice dinner Saturday night?
Do not say: could you please take me to any restaurant that doesn’t have the words “burger”, “king”, or “happy meal” in their advertising?? - Do say: would you mind watching the kids while I take a night off with my girlfriends?
Do not say: could you, just for one night, watch the kids you helped spawn-that I never get a break from-ever! I haven’t seen my friends in so long we wear name tags to identify ourselves. - Do say: would you take me to a movie this week?
Do not say: could you prove to me you’re not Velcroed to the couch and actually have the motor skills to take me to a motion picture? Something without Pamela Anderson in it. - Do say: would you like me to listen to you talk about your day some more?
Do not say: could you step up the filibuster, Sparky? Jeopardy is on in ten minutes. - Do say: would you like to take a vacation?
Do not say: could you move out? - Do say: would you get out of my life?
Do not say: could you get out of my life? - Notice how different these two statements are.
A man is much more likely to get out of your life if you say “would”.
Why A Man Can’t Win
- If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you are a male chauvinist.
- If you stay home and do the housework, you are a pansy.
- If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
- If you don’t work enough, you are a good for nothing bum.
- If she has a boring repetitive job woith low pay, this is exploitation.
- If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your rear and find something better.
- If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism.
- If she gets a job ahead of you, it’s equal opportunity.
- If you mention how nice she looks, it’s sexual harassment.
- If you keep quiet, it’s male indifference.
- If you cry, you are a wimp.
- If you don’t, you are an insensitive bastard.
- If you make a decision without consulting her, you are a chauvinist.
- If she makes a decision without consulting you, she’s a liberated woman.
- If you ask her to do something she doesn’t enjoy, that’s domination.
- If she asks you, it’s a favor.
- If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you are a pervert.
- If you don’t, you are a fag.
- If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you are a sexist.
- If you don’t, you are unromantic.
- If you try to keep yourself in shape, you are vain.
- If you don’t, you are a slob.
- If you are proud of your achievements, you are full of yourself.
- If you don’t you are not ambitious.
- If she has a headache, she is tired.
- If you have a headache, you don’t love her anymore.
- If you want it too often, you are oversexed.
- If you don’t, there must be someone else.
Insider’s Guide to the Male Vocabulary
- “Haven’t I seen you before?”
“Nice butt.” - “I’m a Romantic.”
“I’m poor.” - “I need you.”
“My hand is tired.” - “I am different from all the other guys.”
“I am not circumcised.” - “I want a commitment.”
“I’m sick of playing with myself.” - “You’re the only girl I’ve ever cared about.”
“You are the only girl who hasn’t rejected me.” - “I really want to get to know you better.”
“So I can tell my friends about it.” - “It’s just orange juice, try it.”
“3 more shots, and she’ll have her legs around my head.” - “She’s kinda cute.”
“I wouldn’t kick her out of bed but a pillow over the head might be necessary.” - “I don’t know if I like her.”
“She won’t sleep with me.” - “I miss you so much.”
“I am so horny that my male roommate is starting to look good.” - “Was it good for you?”
“I’m insecure about my manhood.” - “How do I compare with all your other boyfriends?”
“Is my love tool really that small?” - “I had a wonderful time last night.”
“Who the hell are you?” - “Do you love me?”
“I’ve done something stupid and you might find out.” - “Do you ‘really’ love me?”
“I’ve done something stupid and you’re going to find out sooner or later.” - “How much do you love me?”
“I’ve done something really stupid and someone’s on their way to tell you by now.” - “I have something to tell you.”
Get tested.” - “I’ll give you a call.”
“I’d rather have my nipples torn off by wild dogs than see you again.” - “I’ve been thinking a lot.”
“You’re not as attractive as when I was drunk.” - “I think we should just be friends.”
“You’re ugly.” - “I’ve learned a lot from you.”
“Next!!!!”
The Male Stages of Life
- Drink17 ~ beer
25 ~ beer
35 ~ vodka
48 ~ double vodka
66 ~ Maalox - Seduction Line
17 ~ My parents are away for the weekend.
25 ~ My girlfriend is away for the weekend.
35 ~ My fiancee is away for the weekend.
48 ~ My wife is away for the weekend.
66 ~ My second wife is dead. - Favorite Sport
17 ~ sex
25 ~ sex
35 ~ sex
48 ~ sex
66 ~ napping - Definition of a Successful Date
17 ~ “tongue”
25 ~ “breakfast”
35 ~ “She didn’t set back my therapy.”
48 ~ “I didn’t have to meet her kids.”
66 ~ “Got home alive.” - Favorite Fantasy
17 ~ getting to third
25 ~ airplane sex
35 ~ menage a trois
48 ~ taking the company public
66 ~ Swiss maid/Nazi love slave - House Pet
17 ~ roaches
25 ~ stoned-out college roommate
35 ~ Irish setter
48 ~ children from his first marriage
66 ~ Barbi - What’s The Ideal Age to get Married
17 ~ 25
25 ~ 35
35 ~ 48
48 ~ 66
66 ~ 17 - Ideal Date
17 ~ Triple Stephen King feature at a drive-in
25 ~ “Split the check before we go back to my place”
35 ~ “Just come over.”
48 ~ “Just come over and cook.”
66 ~ sex in the company jet on the way to Vegas.
If Dear Abby Was A Man
- Q: My husband to be, still pines for his old girlfriends. I’m afraid he may not be faithful.
A: A man’s capacity to love is boundless. It has been proven to increase with the number of sexual partners. Thus, by having a few other women, your partner is really increasing his love for you. Best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don’t mention this aspect of his behavior. - Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.
A: This is perfectly natural behavior — and it should be encouraged. Man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. Far from being pleasurable, a night out with the boys is a stressful affair, and to get back to you is a relief for your
partner. Just look back at how emotional and happy the man is when he returns to his stable home. Best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal, and don’t mention this aspect of his behavior to him. - Q: My husband wants to experience three-in-a-bed-sex with me and my sister.
A: Your husband is clearly devoted to you. He cannot get enough of you, so he goes for the next best thing — your sister. Far from being an issue, this will bring all of the family together. Why not get some cousins involved? If you are still apprehensive, then let him go with your relatives, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don’t mention this aspect of his behavior. - Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex with him.
A: Do it. Sperm is not only great tasting, but has only 10 calories a spoonful. It is nutritious and helps you to keep your figure and gives a great glow to the skin. Interestingly, a man knows this. His offer to you to perform oral sex with him is totally selfless. Oral sex can be very embarrassing for a man. This shows he loves you. Best thing to do is to thank him, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal. - Q: My husband doesn’t know where my clitoris is.
A: Many women can’t find their own clitoris so how do you expect your man to find it? Your clitoris belongs to you. If you must mess with it, do it in your own time. To help with the family budget you may wish to video tape yourself while doing this, and then sell it at the local flea market. To ease your selfish guilt, buy your man a nice expensive present, and cook him a delicious meal. - Q: My husband goes straight to sleep after making love — we have no time to talk.
A: Sex is like running a marathon for a man. Afterwards he needs rest. In fact, the more he loves you, the more hard work his lovemaking is, and the more rest he needs. Stop putting pressure on him. Buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal. - Q: My husband’s efforts at lovemaking only last 30 seconds.
A: Your husband loves you very much. He is so turned on by you that he cannot control himself. In fact, the shorter the ‘effort’ the more he loves you. Return this love by buying a nice, expensive present, and cooking him a nice meal. - Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.
A: Foreplay is very important. If your man seems uninterested it means that you do not love your man as much as you should because he has to work so hard to get you in the mood. Reread the question about Oral Sex above for suggestions and make it up to him by buying a nice expensive present, and cooking a nice meal. - Q: My husband hardly ever gives me an Orgasm.
A: The female orgasm is so intense it can happen only once a year Be patient. Don’t mention it again to him and show your love to him by buying a nice expensive present……and don’t forget to cook him a delicious meal.