The Right And Wrong Way to Ask A Man

  • Do say: would you please take out the garbage?
    Do not say: could you get off your big butt and do something around here? What am I, the maid?
  • Do say: would you like to go out to a nice dinner Saturday night?
    Do not say: could you please take me to any restaurant that doesn’t have the words “burger”, “king”, or “happy meal” in their advertising??
  • Do say: would you mind watching the kids while I take a night off with my girlfriends?
    Do not say: could you, just for one night, watch the kids you helped spawn-that I never get a break from-ever! I haven’t seen my friends in so long we wear name tags to identify ourselves.
  • Do say: would you take me to a movie this week?
    Do not say: could you prove to me you’re not Velcroed to the couch and actually have the motor skills to take me to a motion picture? Something without Pamela Anderson in it.
  • Do say: would you like me to listen to you talk about your day some more?
    Do not say: could you step up the filibuster, Sparky? Jeopardy is on in ten minutes.
  • Do say: would you like to take a vacation?
    Do not say: could you move out?
  • Do say: would you get out of my life?
    Do not say: could you get out of my life?
  • Notice how different these two statements are.
    A man is much more likely to get out of your life if you say “would”.

How To Ask A Man To Do Something

Always remember these six important rules when asking a man to do something:

  • Make sure the man is conscious.
  • Crash the hard drive on his computer and line the bird cage with the sports section.
  • Be brief! Limit your nagging harangue to two, three hours, max.
  • Reward him for cooperative behavior. Offer to cook him something that doesn’t have a peel-back cover.
  • Punish him when he refuses to cooperate. Microwave his remote on high power for 55 minutes. Rotate 1/4 turn, and microwave again for another 35 minutes.
  • Use “would you” or “will you” instead of “you’d better” or “do as I say and no one will get hurt.”