- Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the Earth. You decide to:
a. Present it to the President of the United States.
b. Present it to the Secretary General of the United Nations.
c. Take it apart to see how it works.
- As you grow older, what lost quality of your youth do you miss the most?
c. Cherry bombs.
- When is it okay to kiss another male?
a. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard for narrow-minded social conventions.
b. When he is the Pope (but not on the lips).
c. When he is your brother, you are Al Pacino, and this is the only really sportsmanlike way to let him know that, for business reasons, you have to have him killed.
- What about hugging another male?
a. If he’s your father and at least one of you has a fatal disease.
b. If you’re performing the Heimlich maneuver. Even in this case, you should repeatedly shout: “I am just dislodging food trapped in this man’s trachea! I am not in any way aroused!”
c. If you’re a professional baseball player and a teammate hits a home run to win the World Series, you may hug him provided that:
- He is legally within the basepath,
- Both of you are wearing protective cups, and
- You fraternally pound him hard enough on the back with your fist to cause fractures.
- Complete this sentence: A funeral is a good time to …
a. Remember the deceased and console the loved ones.
b. Reflect upon the fleeting transience of earthly life.
c. Tell the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer’s disease and cancer.
- In your opinion, the ideal pet is:
a. A cat.
b. A dog.
c. A dog that eats cats.
- You have been seeing a woman for several years. She’s attractive and intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy — you’re watching a football game; she’s reading the papers — when suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, she tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going. She says she’s not asking whether you want to get married; only whether you believe that you have some kind of future together. What do you say?
a. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you don’t want to rush it.
b. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you cannot honestly say that you’ll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting commitment, and you don’t want to hurt her by holding out false hope.
c. That you cannot believe the Jets called a draw play on third and seventeen.
- Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to spend the rest of your life with her — sharing the joys and the sorrows, the triumphs and the tragedies, and all the adventures and opportunities that the world has to offer, come what may. How do you tell her?
a. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.
b. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing her hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her.
c. Tell her what?
- One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get your three children ready for school. Your first question to her is:
a. “Do they need to eat or anything?”
b. “They’re in school already?”
c. “There are three of them?”
- When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear?
a. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new holes so large that you’re not sure which ones were originally intended for your legs.
b. When it is down to eight loosely-connected underwear molecules and has to be handled with tweezers.
c. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy checks the garbage regularly in case somebody — and we are not naming names, but this would be his wife — is quietly trying to discard his underwear, which she is frankly jealous of, because the guy seems to have a more intimate relationship with it than with her.
- What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years before they finally got to the Promised Land?
a. He was being tested.
b. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they finally got there.
c. He refused to ask directions.
- What is the human race’s single greatest achievement?
c. Remote control.
- Stage 1: Smart
This is when he suddenly becomes an expert on every subject in the known universe. He knows he knows everything, and wants to pass his knowledge on to anyone who will listen. At this stage, he is *always* right. And, of course, the person he is talking to is very *wrong*. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are *smart*.
- Stage 2: Good-Looking
This is when he realizes that he is *the* best-looking man in the entire bar (and possibly on the entire planet), and that all women fancy him. He can approach a perfect stranger knowing she fancies him and really wants to talk to him. Bear in mind that he is still *smart*, so he can talk to her about any subject under the sun.
- Stage 3: Rich
This is when he suddenly becomes the richest person in the world. He can buy drinks for the entire bar because he has an armored truck full of money parked behind the bar. He can also make bets at this stage, because of course he’s still *smart*, so naturally, he will win all bets. It doesn’t matter how much he bets, because he is *rich*. He will also buy drinks for every woman he fancies, because he is also now the best-looking man in the universe.
- Stage 4: Invincible
He is now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone, especially those with whom he has been betting or arguing. This is because nothing can hurt him. At this point, he can also approach the partners of the women he fancies, and challenge them to a battle of the wits or money. He can *especially* approach the partners of lesbians he fancies, because he *knows* he is just the man to turn the hot, sexy, inaccessible lesbian partner into a heterosexual. He has no fear of losing this battle, because he is *smart*, and *rich*, and, hell! he’s better-looking than any of these losers!
- Stage 5: Invisible
This is the final stage of drunkenness. At this point, he can do anything, because no one can see him. He dances on tables to impress the women he fancies, because the rest of the people in the room cannot see him. He is also invisible to the angry lesbian who wants to bash his skull in with a pool cue. He can walk through the street singing at the top of his lungs because no one can see or hear him, and because he is still *smart*, and *rich*, and — oh, hell, you know the rest.
- “It’s a guy thing.”
“There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical.”
- “I’m going fishing.”
“I’m going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety.”
- “Let’s take your car.”
“Mine is full of beer cans, burger wrappers and completely out of gas.”
- “Woman driver.”
“Someone who doesn’t speed, tailgate, swear, make obscene gestures and has a better driving record than me.”
- “I don’t care what color you paint the kitchen.”
“As long as it’s not blue, green, pink, red, yellow, lavender, gray, mauve, black, turquoise or any other color besides white.”
- “Good idea.”
“It’ll never work. And I’ll spend the rest of the day gloating.”
- “Have you lost weight?”
“I’ve just spent our last $30 on a cordless drill.”
- “My wife doesn’t understand me.”
“She’s heard all my stories before, and is tired of them.”
- “I’m getting more exercise lately.”
“The batteries in the remote are dead.”
- “I got a lot done.”
“I found ‘Waldo’ in almost every picture.”
- “We’re going to be late.”
“Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac.”
- “Hey, I’ve read all the classics.”
“I’ve been subscribing to Playboy since 1972.”
- “You cook just like my mother used to.”
“She used the smoke detector as a meal timer, too.”
- “I was listening to you. It’s just that I have things on my mind.”
“I was wondering if that red-head over there is wearing a bra.”
- “That’s interesting, dear.”
“Are you still talking?”
- “Honey, we don’t need material things to prove our love.”
“I forgot our anniversary again.”
- “You expect too much of me.”
“You want me to stay awake.”
- “It’s a really good movie.”
“It’s got guns, knives, fast cars, and Heather Locklear.”
- “That’s women’s work.”
“It’s difficult, dirty, and thankless.”
- “Will you marry me?”
“Both my roommates have moved out, I can’t find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter.”
- “Go ask your mother.”
“I am incapable of making a decision.”
- “You know how bad my memory is.”
“I remember the theme song to ‘F Troop’, the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I’ve ever owned, but I forgot your birthday.”
- “Football is a man’s game.”
“Women are generally too smart to play it.”
- “I do help around the house.”
“I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket.”
- “Hey, I’ve got my reasons for what I’m doing.”
“And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.”
- “What do you mean, you need new clothes?”
“You just bought new clothes 3 years ago.”
- “She’s one of those rabid feminists.”
“She refused to make my coffee.”
- “But I hate to go shopping.”
“I always wind up outside the dressing room holding your purse.”
- “No, I left plenty of gas in the car..”
“You may actually get it to start.”
- “I’m going to stop off for a quick one with the guys.”
“I am planning on drinking myself into a vegetative stupor with my chest pounding, mouth breathing, pre-evolutionary companions.”
- “I brought you a present.”
“It was free ice scraper night at the ball game.”
- “I missed you.”
“I can’t find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper.”
- “We share the housework.”
“I make the messes, she cleans them up.”
- “This relationship is getting too serious.”
“I like you more than my truck.”
- “I recycle.”
“We could pay the rent with the money from my empties.”
- “Of course I like it, honey, you look beautiful.”
“Oh, man, what have you done to yourself?”
- “It sure snowed last night.”
“I suppose you’re going to nag me about shoveling the walk now.”
- “It’s good beer.”
“It was on sale.”
- “I don’t need to read the instructions.”
“I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help.”
- “I’ll fix the garbage disposal later.”
- “If I wait long enough you’ll get frustrated and buy a new one.”
- “I broke up with her.”
“She dumped me.”
- “I’ll take you to a fancy restaurant.”
“Someplace that doesn’t have a drive-thru window.”
- “Can I help with dinner?”
“Why isn’t it already on the table?”
- “Uh huh,” “Sure, Honey,” OR “Yes, dear”
Absolutely nothing. It’s a conditioned response.
- “It would take too long to explain”
“I have no idea how it works.”
- “I was listening to you. It’s just that I have things on my mind.”
“That girl standing on the corner is a real babe.”
- “Take a break, honey, you’re working too hard.”
“I can’t hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.”
- “I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses.”
“The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe.”
- “Oh, don’t fuss. I just cut myself. It’s no big deal.”
“I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I’m hurt.”
- “I can’t find it.”
“It didn’t fall into my outstretched hands, so I’m completely clueless.”
- “What did I do this time?”
“What did you catch me at?”
- “I heard you.”
“I haven’t the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don’t spend the next three days yelling at me.”
- “You know I could never love anyone else.”
“I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse.”
- “You look terrific.”
“Oh, God, please don’t try on one more outfit, I’m starving.”
- “I’m not lost. I know exactly where we are.”
“No one will ever see us alive again.”
“I’m lost. I have no idea where we are, and I am too proud to ask for directions.”
- Drink17 ~ beer
25 ~ beer
35 ~ vodka
48 ~ double vodka
66 ~ Maalox
- Seduction Line
17 ~ My parents are away for the weekend.
25 ~ My girlfriend is away for the weekend.
35 ~ My fiancee is away for the weekend.
48 ~ My wife is away for the weekend.
66 ~ My second wife is dead.
- Favorite Sport
17 ~ sex
25 ~ sex
35 ~ sex
48 ~ sex
66 ~ napping
- Definition of a Successful Date
17 ~ “tongue”
25 ~ “breakfast”
35 ~ “She didn’t set back my therapy.”
48 ~ “I didn’t have to meet her kids.”
66 ~ “Got home alive.”
- Favorite Fantasy
17 ~ getting to third
25 ~ airplane sex
35 ~ menage a trois
48 ~ taking the company public
66 ~ Swiss maid/Nazi love slave
- House Pet
17 ~ roaches
25 ~ stoned-out college roommate
35 ~ Irish setter
48 ~ children from his first marriage
66 ~ Barbi
- What’s The Ideal Age to get Married
17 ~ 25
25 ~ 35
35 ~ 48
48 ~ 66
66 ~ 17
- Ideal Date
17 ~ Triple Stephen King feature at a drive-in
25 ~ “Split the check before we go back to my place”
35 ~ “Just come over.”
48 ~ “Just come over and cook.”
66 ~ sex in the company jet on the way to Vegas.
- They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
- A better model is always just around the corner.
- They look nice and shiny until you bring them home.
- It is always necessary to have a backup.
- They’ll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.
- The best part of having either one is the games you can play.
- In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
- The lights are on but nobody’s home.
- Big power surges knock them out for the night.
- Size does matter