Room for More

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A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in front of him.

When the class began, wordlessly he picked up a large empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks, rocks about 2″ in diameter.

He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was. So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was. The students laughed. The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else.

“Now,” said the professor, “I want you to recognize that this is your life. The rocks are the important things – your family, your partner, your health, your children – things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else, the small stuff.

“If you put the sand into the jar first, there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Take care of the
rocks first – the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.”

But then a student then took the jar which the other students and the professor agreed was full, and proceeded to pour in a glass of beer. Of course the beer filled the remaining spaces within the jar making the jar truly full.

The moral of this tale is: no matter how full your life is, there is always room for beer.

Report Card Comments Teachers Would Love to Use

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  • Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
  • I would not allow this student to breed.
  • This student has delusions of adequacy.
  • This student is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
  • This student sets low standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
  • The student has a “full six-pack” but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.
  • Student has been working with glue too much.
  • When the student’s IQ reaches 50, he/she should sell.
  • Gates are down, lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming.
  • If this student were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week.
  • It’s hard to believe the sperm that created this student beat out 1,000,000 others.
  • The wheel is turning but the hamster is dead.
  • Your child is not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
  • If your child had two brain cells, they’d kill each other.

About Real Teachers

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  • Real teachers buy Excedrin and Advil in bulk.
  • Real teachers will eat anything left in the teacher’s lounge.
  • Real teachers grade papers in the car, during commercials, in faculty meetings, in the bathroom, and at the end of nine weeks have even been seen grading in church.
  • Real teachers know that sixth graders get hormones from Santa at Christmas.
  • Real teachers cheer when they hear that April 1st does not fall on a school day.
  • Real teachers drive older cars owned by credit unions.
  • Real teachers can’t walk past a crowd of kids without straightening up the line.
  • Real teachers never sit down without first checking the seat of the chair.
  • Real teachers have disjointed necks from writing on boards without turning around.
  • Real teachers are written up in medical journals for the size and elasticity of their bladders and kidneys.
  • Real teachers wear glasses from trying to read the fine print in the teacher’s manuals.
  • Real teachers have been timed gulping down lunch in 2 minutes 18 seconds.
  • Master teachers can eat faster than that.
  • Real teachers can predict exactly which parents show up at open house.
  • Real teachers understand the importance of making sure every kid gets a Valentine.
  • Real teachers never teach the conjugations of “lie” and “lay” to eighth graders.
  • Real teachers know it is better to seek forgiveness than to ask for permission.
  • Real teachers can teach anatomy to high school students and not hear the giggles.
  • Real teachers know that the best end of semester lesson plans come from Blockbuster.
  • Real teachers know the shortest distance and length of travel time to the front office.
  • Real teachers can “sense” gum.
  • Real teachers know the difference between what ought to be graded, what should be graded, and what should never see the light of day.
  • Real teachers know that the first class disruption they see is probably the second one that occurred.
  • Real teachers have their best conferences in the parking lot.
  • Real teachers have never heard an original excuse.
  • Real teachers know better than to plan discussions or cooperative groups for last period during an observation.
  • Real teachers know that secretaries and custodians really run the school.
  • Real teachers know that rules do not apply to them.
  • Real teachers give themselves away in public because of the Vis-a-vis marker smudges all over their hands.
  • Real teachers know that dogs are carnivores and not “homework paperavores.”
  • Real teachers know that happy hour does indeed begin on Friday afternoons.
  • Real teachers do not take “no” for an answer unless it is written in a complete sentence.
  • Real teachers know the value of a good education and are appalled upon seeing their paychecks.
  • Real teachers hear the heartbeats of crisis; always have time to listen; know they teach students, not subjects; and they are absolutely nonexpendable.

Science Quotes From Kids

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  • H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water.
  • To collect fumes of sulfur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube. When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.
  • Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.
  • Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars.
  • Blood flows down one leg and up the other.
  • Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration.
  • The moon is a planet, just like the earth, only it is even deader.
  • Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.
  • Mushrooms always grow in damp places so they look like umbrellas.
  • The pistol of a flower is its only protections against insects.
  • The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to.
  • A permanent set of teeth consist of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors.
  • The tides are a fight between the earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
  • A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.
  • Germinate: To become a naturalized German.
  • Liter: A nest of young puppies.
  • Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat.
  • Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away.
  • Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky.
  • Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.
  • Vacuum: A large, empty space where the Pope lives.
  • Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.

Politically Correct School

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  • No one fails a class anymore, they are merely “passing impaired”.
  • You don’t have detention, you’re just one of the “exit delayed”.
  • Your bedroom isn’t cluttered, it’s just “passage restrictive”.
  • These days, a student isn’t lazy. He’s “energetically declined”.
  • Your locker isn’t overflowing with junk, it’s just “closure prohibitive”.
  • Kids don’t get grounded anymore. They merely hit “social speed bumps”.
  • Your homework isn’t missing, its just having an “out-of-notebook experience”.
  • You’re not sleeping in class, you’re “rationing consciousness”.
  • You’re not late, you just have a “rescheduled arrival time”.
  • You’re not having a bad hair day, you’re suffering from “rebellious follicle syndrome”.
  • You don’t have smelly gym socks, you have “odor-retentive athletic footwear”.
  • No one’s tall anymore. They are “vertically enhanced”.
  • You’re not shy. You’re “conversationally selective”
  • You don’t talk a lot. You’re just “abundantly verbal”.
  • You weren’t passing notes in class. You were “participating in the discreet exchange of penned meditations”.
  • You’re not being sent to the principals office. You’re “going on a mandatory field trip to the administrative building”.
  • It’s not called gossip anymore. It’s “the speedy transmission of near-factual information”.
  • The food at the school cafeteria isn’t awful. It’s “digestively challenged”.

No Excuses

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A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow’s final exam.

“Now class, I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family – but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever!”

A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raises his hand and asks, “What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?”

The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, “Well, I guess you’d have to write the exam with your other hand.

You Need to Study More Geography If You Think…

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  • Andes is an after dinner mint
  • The Balkans are an alien people on Star Trek
  • The English Channel is a TV sitcom about Charles and Camilla
  • The United Kingdom is a cultural theme park
  • Butte Montana is Joe’s new girlfriend
  • Reno Nevada is what you get for being Attorney General
  • The Tropic of Cancer is a sunscreen lotion
  • The $10,000 Pyramid is in Egypt
  • The Gaza Strip is a Middle Eastern folk dance
  • The Ring of Fire is the center ring of Barnum and Bailey’s Circus
  • The Bermuda Triangle is a percussion instrument in a reggae band

  • The Cumberland Gap gives out a pair of clogs with every set of jeans
    sold

  • The International Dateline is a new cable TV network
  • The Equator is a cartoon action figure
  • The Continental Shelf is a specialty section of the supermarket
  • An archipelago is a food stabilizer
  • The Dust Bowl is Granny’s old favorite dish
  • A fault is what you find in other people
  • A fjord is a Norwegian car
  • A mantle is what goes over your fireplace
  • Tide is a laundry detergent
  • You can do a research paper to find out who killed the Dead Sea

Lifesavers

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A college professor was doing a study testing the senses of first graders, using a bowl of Lifesavers. He blindfolded the children and then gave them all the same kind of Lifesavers, one at a time, and asked them to identify them by color and flavor. The children began to say:

   “Red…………cherry,”
   “Yellow………lemon,”
   “Green….lime,”
   “Orange……….orange”

Finally the professor gave them all honey Lifesavers. After eating them for a few moments none of the children could identify the taste.

“Well,” he said “I’ll give you all a clue, it’s what your mother may sometimes call your father.”

One little girl looked up in horror, spit her Lifesaver out and yelled: “Oh My God!!!! They’re assholes!”

Late for School

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“Late again,” the third-grade teacher said to Little Johnny. (When anyone was late for school, it usually was Little Johnny.)

“It ain’t my fault, Miss Crabtree. You can blame this on my Dad. The reason I’m three hours late? Dad sleeps nights in the raw!”

Now Miss Crabtree had taught grammar school for thirty-some-odd years. So she asked Little Johnny what he meant by that, despite her mounting fears.

Full of grins and mischief, and in the flower of his youth, Little Johnny and Trouble were old friends, but he always told the truth. “You see, Miss Crabtree, at the ranch we got this here lowdown coyote. The last few nights done et six hens and killed Ma’s best milk goat. And last night when Dad heard a noise out in the chicken pen, he grabbed his gun and said to Ma, “That coyote’s back again, I’m a gonna git him!”

“Stay back, he yelled to all us kids, I wouldn’t want ya hurt!” He was naked as a jaybird, no boots, no pants, no shirt! To the hen house he crawled, just like an Injun on the snoop. Then he stuck that double barrel through the window of the coop. As he stared into the darkness, with coyotes on his mind, our old hound dog Zeke had done woke up and come a-sneakin’ up behind Dad. Then we all looked on plumb helpless as Dad was cold-nosed without warnin’.”

“Miss Crabtree, we been cleanin’ chickens since three o’clock this mornin’!”

A Quick Test

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The Exam

Instructions

Read each question carefully. Answer all questions.
Time limit: 4 hours. Begin immediately.

  1. History
      2. Describe the history of the papacy from its origins to the present day, concentrating especially, but not exclusively, on its social, political, economic, religious, and philosophical impact on Europe, Asia, America, and Africa. Be brief, concise, and specific.
  2. Medicine
      3. You have been provided with a razor blade, a piece of gauze, and a bottle of Scotch. Remove your appendix. Do not suture until your work has been inspected. You have fifteen minutes.
  3. Public Speaking
      4. 2,500 aborigines are storming the classroom. Calm Them. You may use any
      ancient language except Latin or Greek.
  4. Biology
      5. Create life. Estimate the differences in subsequent human culture if this form of life had developed 500 million years earlier, with special attention to its probable effect on the English parliamentary system.
      Prove your theses.
  5. Music
      6. Write a piano concerto. Orchestrate and perform it with flute and drum.
      You will find a piano under your seat.
  6. Psychology
      7. Based on your knowledge of their works, evaluate the emotional stability, degree of adjustment and repressed frustrations of each of the following: Alexander of Aphrodisias, Ramses II, Gregory of Nicea, Hammurabi. Support your evaluation with quotations from each man’s work making appropriate references. It is not necessary to translate.
  7. Sociology
      8. Estimate the sociological problems which might accompany the end of the world. Construct an experiment to test your theory.
  8. Epistemology
      9. Take a position for or against truth. Prove the validity of your position.
  9. Management Science
      10. Define Management. Define Science. How do they relate? Why? Create a generalized algorithm to optimize all managerial decisions. Assuming an
      1130 CPU supporting 50 terminals, each terminal to activate your
      algorithm; design the communications interface and all necessary control programs.
  10. Literature
      11. Write an epic of not less than 10,000 rhymed couplets on The Ascent of
      Man; do not use more than four different languages. Then write a critical essay explaining the intentional fallacy of your poem.
  11. Engineering
      12. The disassembled parts of a high-powered rifle have been placed in a box on your desk. You will also find an instruction manual, printed in Swahili. In ten minutes a hungry Bengal tiger will be admitted to the room. Take whatever action you feel appropriate. Be prepared to justify your decision.
  12. Economics
      13. Develop a realistic plan for refinancing the national debt. Trace the possible effects of your plan in the following areas: Cubism, The Donatist controversy, the wave theory of light. Outline a method for preventing these effects. Criticize this method from all possible points of view. Point out the deficiencies in your point of view as demonstrated in your answer to the last question.
  13. Mathematics
      14. Provide a counter example to Goldbach’s Conjecture. Reconstruct Fermat’s proof of Fermat’s Theorem. Using the construction paper and Scotch tape found on the back of this exam, build a working model of a sphere which can be turned inside out without any folds.
  14. Chemistry
      15. Using the materials leftover in the box containing the rifle, along with the chemicals provided in the first aid kit, build an atomic bomb. This is to be used in the next question.
  15. Political Science
      16. There is a red telephone on the desk beside you. Start World War III.
      Report at length on its socio-political effects, if any.
  16. Physics
      17. Explain the nature of matter. Include in you answer an evaluation of the impact of the development of mathematics on science.
  17. Philosophy
      18. Sketch the development of human thought; estimate its significance.
      Compare with the development of any other kind of thought.
  18. General Knowledge
      19. Describe in detail. Be objective and specific.

Extra Credit

    Define the universe. Give three examples.

If you finish before time is called, go back and check your work.