Tag Archives: exams

A Quick Test

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The Exam

Instructions

Read each question carefully. Answer all questions.
Time limit: 4 hours. Begin immediately.

  1. History
      2. Describe the history of the papacy from its origins to the present day, concentrating especially, but not exclusively, on its social, political, economic, religious, and philosophical impact on Europe, Asia, America, and Africa. Be brief, concise, and specific.
  2. Medicine
      3. You have been provided with a razor blade, a piece of gauze, and a bottle of Scotch. Remove your appendix. Do not suture until your work has been inspected. You have fifteen minutes.
  3. Public Speaking
      4. 2,500 aborigines are storming the classroom. Calm Them. You may use any
      ancient language except Latin or Greek.
  4. Biology
      5. Create life. Estimate the differences in subsequent human culture if this form of life had developed 500 million years earlier, with special attention to its probable effect on the English parliamentary system.
      Prove your theses.
  5. Music
      6. Write a piano concerto. Orchestrate and perform it with flute and drum.
      You will find a piano under your seat.
  6. Psychology
      7. Based on your knowledge of their works, evaluate the emotional stability, degree of adjustment and repressed frustrations of each of the following: Alexander of Aphrodisias, Ramses II, Gregory of Nicea, Hammurabi. Support your evaluation with quotations from each man’s work making appropriate references. It is not necessary to translate.
  7. Sociology
      8. Estimate the sociological problems which might accompany the end of the world. Construct an experiment to test your theory.
  8. Epistemology
      9. Take a position for or against truth. Prove the validity of your position.
  9. Management Science
      10. Define Management. Define Science. How do they relate? Why? Create a generalized algorithm to optimize all managerial decisions. Assuming an
      1130 CPU supporting 50 terminals, each terminal to activate your
      algorithm; design the communications interface and all necessary control programs.
  10. Literature
      11. Write an epic of not less than 10,000 rhymed couplets on The Ascent of
      Man; do not use more than four different languages. Then write a critical essay explaining the intentional fallacy of your poem.
  11. Engineering
      12. The disassembled parts of a high-powered rifle have been placed in a box on your desk. You will also find an instruction manual, printed in Swahili. In ten minutes a hungry Bengal tiger will be admitted to the room. Take whatever action you feel appropriate. Be prepared to justify your decision.
  12. Economics
      13. Develop a realistic plan for refinancing the national debt. Trace the possible effects of your plan in the following areas: Cubism, The Donatist controversy, the wave theory of light. Outline a method for preventing these effects. Criticize this method from all possible points of view. Point out the deficiencies in your point of view as demonstrated in your answer to the last question.
  13. Mathematics
      14. Provide a counter example to Goldbach’s Conjecture. Reconstruct Fermat’s proof of Fermat’s Theorem. Using the construction paper and Scotch tape found on the back of this exam, build a working model of a sphere which can be turned inside out without any folds.
  14. Chemistry
      15. Using the materials leftover in the box containing the rifle, along with the chemicals provided in the first aid kit, build an atomic bomb. This is to be used in the next question.
  15. Political Science
      16. There is a red telephone on the desk beside you. Start World War III.
      Report at length on its socio-political effects, if any.
  16. Physics
      17. Explain the nature of matter. Include in you answer an evaluation of the impact of the development of mathematics on science.
  17. Philosophy
      18. Sketch the development of human thought; estimate its significance.
      Compare with the development of any other kind of thought.
  18. General Knowledge
      19. Describe in detail. Be objective and specific.

Extra Credit

    Define the universe. Give three examples.

If you finish before time is called, go back and check your work.

Failing in Style

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50 Fun things to do in a final that does not matter (i.e. you are going to fail the class completely no matter what you get on the final exam)

  1. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say "oh geez, better get cracking" and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early.
  2. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I’ve got the secret documents!!"
  3. If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the integral symbol.
  4. Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor’s left nostril.
  5. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I’m SOOO sure you can hear me thinking." Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.
  6. Bring cheerleaders.
  7. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly say to the instructor, "I don’t understand ANY of this. I’ve been to every lecture all semester long! What’s the deal? And who the hell are you? Where’s the regular guy?"
  8. Bring a Game Boy (or Game Gear, etc…). Play with the volume at max level.
  9. On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.
  10. Bring pets.
  11. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say "They’ve found me, I have to leave the country" and run off.
  12. Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry Christmas." If you’re really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes.
  13. Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.
  14. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else.
  15. Come down with a BAD case of Tourette’s Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as possible.
  16. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don’t know one, make one up! For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals.
  17. Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he’s not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.
  18. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.
  19. Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to stay.
  20. Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam.
  21. Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was.
  22. Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If it is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB. BABE. etc..).
  23. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out.
  24. Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down violently, scream out "Fuck this!" and walk out triumphantly.
  25. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i.e. Threaten the instructor that whether or not everyone’s done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink)
  26. Show up completely drunk. (Completely drunk means at some point during the exam, you should start crying for mommy).
  27. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!"
  28. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.
  29. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put on a white mask and start yelling "I’m here, the Phantom of the Opera" until they drag you away.
  30. Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the class is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your right to take the exam.
  31. Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing loudly, say "you don’t really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? Days of our Lives is on!!!"
  32. Bring a water pistol with you. Nuff said.
  33. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the instructor’s requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai.
  34. Start a brawl in the middle of the exam.
  35. If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest proofs you could possibly think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life story.
  36. Come in wearing a full knight’s outfit, complete with sword and shield.
  37. Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation.
  38. Bring cheat sheets FOR ANOTHER CLASS (make sure this is obvious… like history notes for a calculus exam… otherwise you’re not just failing, you’re getting kicked out too) and staple them to the exam, with the comment "Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit."
  39. When you walk in, complain about the heat. Strip.
  40. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.
  41. One word: Wrestlemania.
  42. Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around like they do before concerts start.
  43. Try to get people in the room to do the wave.
  44. Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.
  45. Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next to you. Pray to it often. Consider a small sacrifice.
  46. Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc… sent to you every few minutes throughout the exam.
  47. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs, anything you can reach.
  48. Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90 degree angle.
  49. Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If you are asked to stop, say "it helps me think." Bring a copy of the Student Handbook with you, challenging the instructor to find the section on musical instruments during finals. Don’t forget to use the phrase "Told you so".
  50. Answer the exam with the "Top Ten Reasons Why Professor xxxx Sucks"

English Education at its Finest

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Following questions and answers were collated from recent British GCSE exams (16 year olds)!

  • Earth Science

    • Q: Name the four seasons.
      A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

    • Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
      A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

    • Q: How is dew formed?
      A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

    • Q: What is a planet?
      A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.

  • Sociology

    • Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
      A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.

    • Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?
      A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

  • Biology

    • Q: What happens to your body as you age?
      A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

    • Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
      A: He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

    • Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
      A: Premature death.

    • Q: What is artificial insemination?
      A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.

    • Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
      A: Keep it in the cow.

    • Q: What is the most common form of birth control?
      A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.

    • Q: Give the meaning of the term Caesarean Section.
      A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

    • Q: What is a terminal illness?
      A: When you are sick at the airport

  • Technology

    • Q: What is a turbine?
      A: Something an Arab wears on his head.

  • Religious Education

    • Q: What is a Hindu?
      A: It lays eggs.