- I. Science Classification
- If it’s green or it wiggles, it’s part of Biology.
- If it stinks, it’s Chemistry.
- If it doesn’t work, it belongs to Physics.
- II. Rules for Laboratory Workers
- When you don’t know what you’re doing, do it neatly.
- First draw your curves, then plot the data.
- Experience is directly proportional to the equipment ruined.
- Experiments must be reproducible. They should all fail the same way.
- A record of data is essential. It indicates you have been working.
- In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.
- Do not believe in miracles, rely on them.
- Teamwork is essential in the lab. It allows you to blame someone else.
- Always leave room to add an explanation when it doesn’t work.
- III. Finagle’s Laws, Creed, and Motto
- First Law – If anything can go wrong with an experiment, it will.
- Second Law – No matter what result is anticipated, there is always someone willing to fake it.
- Third Law – No matter what occurs, there is always someone who believes it happened according to his pet theory.
- Fourth Law – No matter what the result, there is always someone eager to misinterpret it.
- Creed – Science is truth. Don’t be misled by facts.
- Motto – Smile; tomorrow it will be worse.
- H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water.
- To collect fumes of sulfur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube. When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.
- Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.
- Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars.
- Blood flows down one leg and up the other.
- Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration.
- The moon is a planet, just like the earth, only it is even deader.
- Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.
- Mushrooms always grow in damp places so they look like umbrellas.
- The pistol of a flower is its only protections against insects.
- The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to.
- A permanent set of teeth consist of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors.
- The tides are a fight between the earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
- A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.
- Germinate: To become a naturalized German.
- Liter: A nest of young puppies.
- Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat.
- Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away.
- Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky.
- Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.
- Vacuum: A large, empty space where the Pope lives.
- Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.
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