- Do say: would you please take out the garbage?
Do not say: could you get off your big butt and do something around here? What am I, the maid? - Do say: would you like to go out to a nice dinner Saturday night?
Do not say: could you please take me to any restaurant that doesn’t have the words “burger”, “king”, or “happy meal” in their advertising?? - Do say: would you mind watching the kids while I take a night off with my girlfriends?
Do not say: could you, just for one night, watch the kids you helped spawn-that I never get a break from-ever! I haven’t seen my friends in so long we wear name tags to identify ourselves. - Do say: would you take me to a movie this week?
Do not say: could you prove to me you’re not Velcroed to the couch and actually have the motor skills to take me to a motion picture? Something without Pamela Anderson in it. - Do say: would you like me to listen to you talk about your day some more?
Do not say: could you step up the filibuster, Sparky? Jeopardy is on in ten minutes. - Do say: would you like to take a vacation?
Do not say: could you move out? - Do say: would you get out of my life?
Do not say: could you get out of my life? - Notice how different these two statements are.
A man is much more likely to get out of your life if you say “would”.
What a Man Hears
What a woman says:
This place is a mess! C’mon,
You and I need to clean up,
Your stuff is lying on the floor and you’ll have no clothes to wear
if we don’t do laundry right now!
What a man hears:
blah, blah, blah, blah, C’MON
YOU AND I blah, blah, blah
blah, blah ON THE FLOOR
blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES, blah
blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW!
Why A Man Can’t Win
- If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you are a male chauvinist.
- If you stay home and do the housework, you are a pansy.
- If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
- If you don’t work enough, you are a good for nothing bum.
- If she has a boring repetitive job woith low pay, this is exploitation.
- If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your rear and find something better.
- If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism.
- If she gets a job ahead of you, it’s equal opportunity.
- If you mention how nice she looks, it’s sexual harassment.
- If you keep quiet, it’s male indifference.
- If you cry, you are a wimp.
- If you don’t, you are an insensitive bastard.
- If you make a decision without consulting her, you are a chauvinist.
- If she makes a decision without consulting you, she’s a liberated woman.
- If you ask her to do something she doesn’t enjoy, that’s domination.
- If she asks you, it’s a favor.
- If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you are a pervert.
- If you don’t, you are a fag.
- If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you are a sexist.
- If you don’t, you are unromantic.
- If you try to keep yourself in shape, you are vain.
- If you don’t, you are a slob.
- If you are proud of your achievements, you are full of yourself.
- If you don’t you are not ambitious.
- If she has a headache, she is tired.
- If you have a headache, you don’t love her anymore.
- If you want it too often, you are oversexed.
- If you don’t, there must be someone else.
Insider’s Guide to the Male Vocabulary
- “Haven’t I seen you before?”
“Nice butt.” - “I’m a Romantic.”
“I’m poor.” - “I need you.”
“My hand is tired.” - “I am different from all the other guys.”
“I am not circumcised.” - “I want a commitment.”
“I’m sick of playing with myself.” - “You’re the only girl I’ve ever cared about.”
“You are the only girl who hasn’t rejected me.” - “I really want to get to know you better.”
“So I can tell my friends about it.” - “It’s just orange juice, try it.”
“3 more shots, and she’ll have her legs around my head.” - “She’s kinda cute.”
“I wouldn’t kick her out of bed but a pillow over the head might be necessary.” - “I don’t know if I like her.”
“She won’t sleep with me.” - “I miss you so much.”
“I am so horny that my male roommate is starting to look good.” - “Was it good for you?”
“I’m insecure about my manhood.” - “How do I compare with all your other boyfriends?”
“Is my love tool really that small?” - “I had a wonderful time last night.”
“Who the hell are you?” - “Do you love me?”
“I’ve done something stupid and you might find out.” - “Do you ‘really’ love me?”
“I’ve done something stupid and you’re going to find out sooner or later.” - “How much do you love me?”
“I’ve done something really stupid and someone’s on their way to tell you by now.” - “I have something to tell you.”
Get tested.” - “I’ll give you a call.”
“I’d rather have my nipples torn off by wild dogs than see you again.” - “I’ve been thinking a lot.”
“You’re not as attractive as when I was drunk.” - “I think we should just be friends.”
“You’re ugly.” - “I’ve learned a lot from you.”
“Next!!!!”
The Male Stages of Life
- Drink17 ~ beer
25 ~ beer
35 ~ vodka
48 ~ double vodka
66 ~ Maalox - Seduction Line
17 ~ My parents are away for the weekend.
25 ~ My girlfriend is away for the weekend.
35 ~ My fiancee is away for the weekend.
48 ~ My wife is away for the weekend.
66 ~ My second wife is dead. - Favorite Sport
17 ~ sex
25 ~ sex
35 ~ sex
48 ~ sex
66 ~ napping - Definition of a Successful Date
17 ~ “tongue”
25 ~ “breakfast”
35 ~ “She didn’t set back my therapy.”
48 ~ “I didn’t have to meet her kids.”
66 ~ “Got home alive.” - Favorite Fantasy
17 ~ getting to third
25 ~ airplane sex
35 ~ menage a trois
48 ~ taking the company public
66 ~ Swiss maid/Nazi love slave - House Pet
17 ~ roaches
25 ~ stoned-out college roommate
35 ~ Irish setter
48 ~ children from his first marriage
66 ~ Barbi - What’s The Ideal Age to get Married
17 ~ 25
25 ~ 35
35 ~ 48
48 ~ 66
66 ~ 17 - Ideal Date
17 ~ Triple Stephen King feature at a drive-in
25 ~ “Split the check before we go back to my place”
35 ~ “Just come over.”
48 ~ “Just come over and cook.”
66 ~ sex in the company jet on the way to Vegas.
Pure Female Bashing
- How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it. - Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can’t even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you. - Why do women have smaller feet then men?
So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink. - How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence, “A man once told me …”. - How do you fix a woman’s watch?
You don’t. There is a clock on the oven. - Why do men pass gas more then women?
Because women won’t shut up long enough to build up pressure. - If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog of course. At least he’ll shut up after you let him in. - All wives are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell them apart.
- What’s worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman that won’t do what she’s told. - I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.
- I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don’t like to interrupt her.
- What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
Divorced. - Bigamy is having one wife too many. Some say monogamy is the same.
- Scientists have discovered a food to diminish a woman’s sex drive by 90%. It is Wedding Cake.
- Marriage is a 3 ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.
- Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me, “What’s on the TV”.
I said, “Dust”. - In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested. - Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
If Dear Abby Was A Man
- Q: My husband to be, still pines for his old girlfriends. I’m afraid he may not be faithful.
A: A man’s capacity to love is boundless. It has been proven to increase with the number of sexual partners. Thus, by having a few other women, your partner is really increasing his love for you. Best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don’t mention this aspect of his behavior. - Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.
A: This is perfectly natural behavior — and it should be encouraged. Man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. Far from being pleasurable, a night out with the boys is a stressful affair, and to get back to you is a relief for your
partner. Just look back at how emotional and happy the man is when he returns to his stable home. Best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal, and don’t mention this aspect of his behavior to him. - Q: My husband wants to experience three-in-a-bed-sex with me and my sister.
A: Your husband is clearly devoted to you. He cannot get enough of you, so he goes for the next best thing — your sister. Far from being an issue, this will bring all of the family together. Why not get some cousins involved? If you are still apprehensive, then let him go with your relatives, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don’t mention this aspect of his behavior. - Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex with him.
A: Do it. Sperm is not only great tasting, but has only 10 calories a spoonful. It is nutritious and helps you to keep your figure and gives a great glow to the skin. Interestingly, a man knows this. His offer to you to perform oral sex with him is totally selfless. Oral sex can be very embarrassing for a man. This shows he loves you. Best thing to do is to thank him, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal. - Q: My husband doesn’t know where my clitoris is.
A: Many women can’t find their own clitoris so how do you expect your man to find it? Your clitoris belongs to you. If you must mess with it, do it in your own time. To help with the family budget you may wish to video tape yourself while doing this, and then sell it at the local flea market. To ease your selfish guilt, buy your man a nice expensive present, and cook him a delicious meal. - Q: My husband goes straight to sleep after making love — we have no time to talk.
A: Sex is like running a marathon for a man. Afterwards he needs rest. In fact, the more he loves you, the more hard work his lovemaking is, and the more rest he needs. Stop putting pressure on him. Buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal. - Q: My husband’s efforts at lovemaking only last 30 seconds.
A: Your husband loves you very much. He is so turned on by you that he cannot control himself. In fact, the shorter the ‘effort’ the more he loves you. Return this love by buying a nice, expensive present, and cooking him a nice meal. - Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.
A: Foreplay is very important. If your man seems uninterested it means that you do not love your man as much as you should because he has to work so hard to get you in the mood. Reread the question about Oral Sex above for suggestions and make it up to him by buying a nice expensive present, and cooking a nice meal. - Q: My husband hardly ever gives me an Orgasm.
A: The female orgasm is so intense it can happen only once a year Be patient. Don’t mention it again to him and show your love to him by buying a nice expensive present……and don’t forget to cook him a delicious meal.
Pure Male Bashing
- What do you do if your boyfriend walks out?
Close the door - When do you care for a man’s company?
When he owns it. - How many men does it take to wallpaper a bathroom?
Three, if you slice them very thinly. - Why do men get married??
So they don’t have to hold their stomachs in any more - What are a woman’s four favorite animals?
A mink in the closet, a Jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bedroom, and
an ass to pay for it all. - How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?
His hand caught fire. - How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
Put the remote control between his toes. - What did God say after creating man?
I must be able to do better than that. - What did God say after she made Eve?
“Practice makes perfect.” - Husband: Want a quickie?
Wife: As opposed to what? - How does a man take a bubble bath?
He eats beans for dinner. - What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
They’re married. - Why do men buy electric lawn mowers?
So they can find their way back to the house. - Why are married women heavier than single women?
Single women come home, see what’s in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what’s in bed and go to the fridge. - Behind every great woman is a man telling her she’s ignoring him.
- He keeps a record of everything he eats. It’s called a tie.
- What’s the quickest way to lose 180 lbs. of ugly fat?
Divorce your husband. - What do you call a man who has lost 95% of his brainpower
A widower - What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A widow. - Why do blonde women have bruises around their navels?
Blonde men aren’t that clever either. - Why did Moses wander the desert for 40 years?
He wouldn’t ask for directions.
Why Kissing Is Good for YOU!
- …it helps prevent tooth decay. Dr. Peter Gorden, Dental Advisor at the British Dental Association, explains. “After eating, your mouth is full of sugar solution and acidic saliva, which cause plaque build up. Kissing is nature’s own cleaning process,” he adds. “It stimulates saliva flow and brings plaque levels down to normal.”
- …it relieves tension. A passionate kiss is a great relaxation technique, says stress consultant, Michelle Kay Mcnabb. “When your mouth is in a kissing position, you’re almost smiling and, as our emotions and body language are so closely linked, it’s almost impossible to smile and feel tense at the same time,” she explains. “Also, your breathing becomes deeper and your eyes close when you kiss – that’s what you do when you relax. It’s a perfect way to shut out the world.”
- …it helps you lose weight. “A long kiss makes the metabolism burn up sugar faster than usual,” says Claire Potter. “The calories burned depend on the intensity, but you can rely on 10 calories for every 10 minutes.”
- …it slows the ageing process. “Kissing helps to tone your cheek and jaw muscles, so they’re less likely to sag,” says Cosmo’s Fitness Consultant, Claire Potter.
- …it increases fitness levels. Your heart is pumping, your pulse is racing…” If kissing is exciting, you release adrenaline into the bloodstream and your heart pumps more blood around your body,” says Dr. Susan Hotchkies. “It’s a great cardiovascular workout.”
- …it is a good indication of what’s to come. Kissing a new man gives you the perfect opportunity to check out his pheromones – the chemical messengers that signal sexual attraction.” The first kiss is always a good way to work out if there’s any chemistry between you,” says Paul Brown, a sexual and marital therapist. “In humans, it’s thought that smells plays a vital part in subconscious attraction, and if your pheromones aren’t in tune’, you’re unlikely to hit off in other areas.”
- And finally, …it boosts self-esteem. There’s nothing better than a passionate kiss for a major dose of feel – good factor. “In theory, when you’re kissing, you’re happy. And when you’re happy, you feel good about yourself,” says psychotherapist
Paul Zeal.
It’s Over When …
- She puts your dinner on the floor in the dog’s dish.
- The milkman is wearing your bathrobe.
- You get a ticket for the Jerry Springer Show.
- She starts every sentence with the words …”To whom it may concern.”
- Your mail comes addressed to “Current Resident.”
- The local mortician starts measuring you for a new suit.
- Her mother looks at you and starts laughing.
- You are urged to stir your coffee “very well,” before drinking it.
- Your favorite easy chair is plugged into the wall outlet.
- All of your shirts have a target painted on them.
- People are referring to her as the “widow.”
- You come home and all that is left of the house is the foundation.
- Your name is Fred and a new tattoo just below her navel reads … “Joe’s Place.”