What do you do if your boyfriend walks out?
Close the door
When do you care for a man’s company?
When he owns it.
How many men does it take to wallpaper a bathroom?
Three, if you slice them very thinly.
Why do men get married??
So they don’t have to hold their stomachs in any more
What are a woman’s four favorite animals?
A mink in the closet, a Jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bedroom, and
an ass to pay for it all.
How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?
His hand caught fire.
How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
Put the remote control between his toes.
What did God say after creating man?
I must be able to do better than that.
What did God say after she made Eve?
“Practice makes perfect.”
Husband: Want a quickie?
Wife: As opposed to what?
How does a man take a bubble bath?
He eats beans for dinner.
What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
They’re married.
Why do men buy electric lawn mowers?
So they can find their way back to the house.
Why are married women heavier than single women?
Single women come home, see what’s in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what’s in bed and go to the fridge.
Behind every great woman is a man telling her she’s ignoring him.
He keeps a record of everything he eats. It’s called a tie.
What’s the quickest way to lose 180 lbs. of ugly fat?
Divorce your husband.
What do you call a man who has lost 95% of his brainpower
A widower
What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A widow.
Why do blonde women have bruises around their navels?
Blonde men aren’t that clever either.
Why did Moses wander the desert for 40 years?
He wouldn’t ask for directions.