- Both take up too much space on the bed.
- Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaners.
- Both are threatened by their own kind.
- Both mark their territory.
- Both are suspicious of the postman.
- Both are bad at asking you questions.
- Both pass gas shamelessly.
- Both like dominance games.
- Both tend to smell riper with age.
- Neither of them tells you what’s bothering them.
- Neither of them does dishes.
- Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.
- Neither knows how to talk on the telephone.
- Neither understands what you see in cats.
- The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
Buying Gifts for Men
Buying gifts for men is not nearly as complicated as it is for women. Follow these rules and you should have no problems.
- Rule #1: When in doubt – buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why.
- Rule #2: If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words. “Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?” “OK. By the way, are you through with my 3/8-inch socket yet?” Again, no one knows why.
- Rule #3: If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car. A 99-cent ice scraper, a small bottle of deicer or something to hang from his rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why.
- Rule #4: Do not buy men socks. Do not buy men ties. And never buy men bathrobes. If God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, he wouldn’t have invented Jockey shorts.
- Rule #5: You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn out. If you have a lot of money buy your man a big-screen TV with the little picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips, and flips.
- Rule #6: Do not buy a man any of those fancy liqueurs. If you do, it will sit in a cupboard for 23 years. Real men drink whiskey or beer.
- Rule #7: Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of after shave or deodorant. Real men do not stink – they are earthy.
- Rule #8: Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. “Socks. Shorts. Cups. Saucers. Door. Lock. Sink.” You get the idea. No one knows why.
- Rule #9: Never buy a man anything that says “some assembly required” on the box. It will ruin his Special Day and he will always have parts left over.
- Rule #10: Good places to shop for men include Northwest Iron Works, Parr Lumber, Home Depot, John Deere, Valley RV Center, and Les Schwab Tire. (NAPA Auto Parts and Sear’s Clearance Centers are also excellent men’s stores. It doesn’t matter if he doesn’t know what it is. “From NAPA Auto, eh? Must be something I need. Hey! Isn’t this a starter for a ’68 Ford Fairlane? Wow! Thanks.”)
- Rule #11: Men enjoy danger. That’s why they never cook – but they will barbecue. Get him a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane tank. Tell him the gas line leaks. “Oh the thrill! The challenge! Who wants a hamburger?”
- Rule #12: Tickets to a Red Wing/Lions/Pistons/Tigers game are a smart gift. However, he will not appreciate tickets to “A Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts.” Everyone knows why.
- Rule #13: Men love chainsaws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chainsaw. If you don’t know why – please refer to Rule #8 and what happens when he gets a label maker.
- Rule #14: It’s hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension ladder. Never buy a real man a step ladder. It must be an extension ladder. No one knows why.
- Rule #15: Rope. Men love rope. It takes them back to their cowboy origins, or at least the Boy Scouts. Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8″ manila rope. No one knows why.
A Man’s Strategy for Going to the Bathroom
- Walk slowly and proudly up to the bathroom, make sure everyone knows that is where you are headed.
- Enter the bathroom, and quickly check out the whole room.
- Look for the right urinal. This is how to pick your urinal: There must be at least one urinal between you and the next closest person (on either side) to you, if this is not available, take the urinal next to the wall, beside a ‘safe looking’ male. If this is also not available, glance at stalls, or leave bathroom, and return later, to get the right spot.
- If proper urinal is available, approach urinal swiftly, looking straight ahead, never turning eyes or head. Another approach is to look at the floor, feet are always good as well.
- Undo pants, relieve yourself as quickly as possible, keep head looking down (or eyes closed and head held looking up) this way no one will think you are trying to check them out.
- Shake it off, put it back in your pants.
- Wash hands.
- Attempt to dry hands. Look to see if a blow dryer or paper towel dispenser is close by. If not, your clothes will do just fine as a towel.
- Exit bathroom, do NOT look back, you didn’t forget anything.
- Check to see if your female companion has exited the bathroom before you, although highly unlikely, you must check anyway.
- Wait patiently for her return, and remember to NOT say things like, “Wow, what took you so long?”
** Note Steps 7 and 8 are optional, but recommended in 45 of the 50 states and in most countries. How do you know if it is recommended? If there is a sink and soap in the bathroom, you know you are in an area that recommends handwashing.
Signs Your Mate is Cheating on You
- Carpools with Devine Brown.
- Motel 6 names him “Customer of the Year.”
- Mysterious phone calls in the middle of the night from some guy named “President Bill.”
- You intercept a love note signed by all of the Oakland Raiders.
- That naked guy standing in the corner pretending to be a hat rack isn’t fooling anyone.
- Starts buying those lame excuses you give when you get home late from your mistress’s house.
- Glenn Close speeds by your house every twenty minutes.
- Models new lingerie saying, “If you were my lover, would this turn you on?”
- The smell of Brut is all over her, and you’re strictly an Old Spice man.
- Asks you how you would feel about appearing on “Jenny Jones”.
- Every night: comes home late, carves another notch in the bedpost and giggles himself to sleep.
- The cat has that “I know something that you don’t know” look.
- Bill Cosby called her as a character witness.
- Closet full of Gideon Bibles.
- Raoul the pool-boy is always hanging around, and you have NO pool!
- Amy Fisher shoots you in the head.
Seven Ages of the Married Cold
- 1st year
The husband says, “Oh, sweetie pie, I’m really worried about those nasty sniffles you have! There’s no telling what that could turn into with all the strep that’s been going around. I’m going to take you right down to the hospital and have you admitted for a couple days of rest. I know the food is lousy there, so I’m going to bring you some takeout from Tosini’s. I’ve already arranged it with the head nurse.” - 2nd year
“Listen, honey, I don’t like the sound of that cough. I called the doc and he’s going to stop by here and take a look at you. Why don’t you just go on to bed and get the rest you need?” - 3rd year
“Maybe you better go lie down, darling. When you feel lousy you need the rest. I’ll bring you something–do we have any canned soup around here?” - 4th year
“No sense wearing yourself out when you’re under the weather. When you finish those dishes and the kids’ baths and get them to bed, you ought to go to bed yourself!” - 5th year
“Why don’t you take a couple aspirin?” - 6th year
“You oughta go gargle or something, instead of sitting around barking like a dog!” - 7th year
“For Pete’s sake, stop sneezing. Are you trying to give me pneumonia? You’d better pick up some tissues while you’re at the store.”
The Secret to Making a Marriage Last
My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last.
- Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food and companionship. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
- We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Florida and mine is in NY.
- I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
- I asked my wife, “Where do you want to go for our anniversary?”
“Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!”
So I suggested, “How about the kitchen?” - We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
- She has an electric blender, electric toaster, and electric bread maker. Then she said “There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!” So I bought her an electric chair.
- My wife told me the car wasn’t running well, there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, she told me “In the lake.”
- My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn’t lost weight, but BOY, can she climb a tree now!
- She had a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off…
- She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, “Am I too late for the garbage?” The driver said, “No, jump in!”
The Lighter Side of Marriage
- Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence (a life sentence!).
- Marriage is very much like a violin; after the sweet music is over, the strings are attached.
- Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore, marriage is an institution for the blind.
- Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor’s Degree and the woman gets her Masters.
- Marriage is a thing which puts a ring on a woman’s finger and two under the man’s eyes.
- Marriage certificate is just another word for a work permit.
- Marriage is not just a having a wife, but also worries inherited forever.
- Married life is full of excitement and frustration:
In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they BOTH speak and the NEIGHBORS listen - It is true that love is blind but marriage is definitely an eye-opener.
- Getting married is very much like going to the restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.
- It’s true that all men are born free and equal, but some of them get MARRIED!
- There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced.
- A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking; the husband gives and the wife takes.
- Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad?
Father: I don’t know son, I’m still paying for it. - Son: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries.
Father: That happens everywhere, son, EVERYWHERE! - There was a man who said, “I never knew what happiness was until I got married…and then it was too late!”
- Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
- They say when a man holds a woman’s hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage, it is self-defense.
- When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.
- There was this lover who said that he would go through hell for her. They got married, and now he is going through HELL.
SO ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT TO GO THROUGH IT? 🙂 You Bet!
Marooned
A man is marooned on an island for ten years and has given up all hope of ever being saved, when suddenly, one day, a woman washes ashore. Her clothes are all tattered, and she is clutching a little waterproof bag. It seems that her ship also hit the coral reef off the island and has sunk. She, too, is the only survivor.
The man, overjoyed at seeing another person, blurts out his whole story, about how he managed to live on the island alone, how he learned to live off the island, surviving by his wits. When he was finished his story, the woman says to him, “You mean you’ve been on this island for ten years?”
“That’s right,” says the man.
“Tell me,” she asks. “Did you smoke cigarettes before you were marooned?”
“Why, yes, I did,” he says. “Why do you ask?”
The woman says to him, “Well, since you haven’t had a cigarette in ten years, here!” And with that, she pulls a cigarette out of her little bag and gives it to him.
“Oh, wow!” he says. “Thanks a lot!”
As she lights it for him, she says, “Say, were you a drinking man before you got shipwrecked?”
“Well,” says the man, puffing on the cigarette, “I would have an occasional whiskey now and then.”
The woman reaches into her little bag and says, “You haven’t had a drink in ten years? Here!” From her bag she produces a small flask and hands it to him.
He takes a pull from the flask and is thanking her when she suddenly says, “Gee, I just realized. You’ve been on this island alone for ten years. I guess you haven’t, uh, played around in ten years either, have you?”
“Good God!” says the man. “Do you have a set of golf clubs in that bag?”
Precepts of the Manly Man
- The floor is considered an acceptable clothing storage location
- Never ask me to purchase feminine products. Assume that I will come home with the wrong thing.
- When watching TV hugging is always fine because I can still see the screen. Kissing should only be done during timeouts and commercials. Questions should also be limited to this period as you stand a much better chance of getting an immediate response.
- When we are watching your show and I change the channels during a commercial do not hassle me that they are over to change the channel back. I always know when the timing is right. Also, when we are channel surfing do not ask me to go back, there was a good reason why I skipped it.
- If you need help with the laundry, I am more than willing to carry it from the bedroom to the washer. In my mind this is half the chore and I am not free to return to the couch.
- If I mention that a male friend of mine is allowed to do something it is not necessary for you to call his wife/girlfriend to discuss it.
- If you don’t like the way I am driving close your eyes. And I would appreciate it if you would refrain from making that reverse inhaling alarmed noise. I haven’t hit anything yet and if I do it will be your fault.
- I go clothes shopping to buy, never to look.
- Just tell me what you want me to wear before I get dressed. And remember that this takes me less than ten minutes to matter what the occasion is. After all, I am getting dressed, not getting ready.
- Don’t ask me if I prefer one outfit over another or if a certain accessory should be worn or not. I consider this a no win situation and would rather just
wait for you to get dressed while watching TV. - If you want me to put the seat down when I am finished then you should leave the seat up when you are finished. It’s only fair. And stop giving me a hard time about missing the bowl. What do you expect from an organ that has a brain of its own.
- I will cook anything as long as it is on the BBQ.
- Yelling to me across the house sounds exactly like stadium crowd
background noise to me. I am not ignoring you.
Man is Like an Automobile…
- As it gets older, the differential starts slopping, and the U-joints get worn, causing the drive shaft to go bad.
- The transmission won’t go into high gear and sometimes has difficulty getting out of low. Overdrive is out of the question!
- The cylinders get worn and lost compression, making it hard to climb the slightest incline. When it is climbing the tappets clatter and ping to the point where one wonders if the old bus will make it to the top.
- The carburetor gets fouled with pollutants and other matter, making it hard to get started in the morning. His gas fumes can kill ya!
- It is hard to keep the radiator filled because of the leaking hose. His frame has a big bow in the middle too. The thermostat goes out, making it difficult to reach operating temperature. The headlights grow dim, and the battery needs constant recharging.
- His shifter is stuck in the down position which is the ‘low position’ and ya can’t get anywhere that way.
- But if the body looks good, we can keep it washed and polished, giving the impression it can compete with newer models and make one more trip down the primrose lane before the head gasket blows.