A Man’s Strategy for Going to the Bathroom

  1. Walk slowly and proudly up to the bathroom, make sure everyone knows that is where you are headed.
  2. Enter the bathroom, and quickly check out the whole room.
  3. Look for the right urinal. This is how to pick your urinal: There must be at least one urinal between you and the next closest person (on either side) to you, if this is not available, take the urinal next to the wall, beside a ‘safe looking’ male. If this is also not available, glance at stalls, or leave bathroom, and return later, to get the right spot.
  4. If proper urinal is available, approach urinal swiftly, looking straight ahead, never turning eyes or head. Another approach is to look at the floor, feet are always good as well.
  5. Undo pants, relieve yourself as quickly as possible, keep head looking down (or eyes closed and head held looking up) this way no one will think you are trying to check them out.
  6. Shake it off, put it back in your pants.
  7. Wash hands.
  8. Attempt to dry hands. Look to see if a blow dryer or paper towel dispenser is close by. If not, your clothes will do just fine as a towel.
  9. ** Note Steps 7 and 8 are optional, but recommended in 45 of the 50 states and in most countries. How do you know if it is recommended? If there is a sink and soap in the bathroom, you know you are in an area that recommends handwashing.

  10. Exit bathroom, do NOT look back, you didn’t forget anything.
  11. Check to see if your female companion has exited the bathroom before you, although highly unlikely, you must check anyway.
  12. Wait patiently for her return, and remember to NOT say things like, “Wow, what took you so long?”