How to Annoy Someone in the Bathroom

  • Stick your open palm under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, “May I borrow a highlighter?”
  • Say, “Uh oh, I knew I shouldn’t have put my lips on that.”
  • Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.
  • Say, “Damn, this water’s cold.”
  • Drop a marble and say, “Oh shit! My glass eye!”
  • Say, “Hmmm, I’ve never seen that color before.”
  • Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantelope into the toilet bowl from a height of 6 feet. Sigh relaxingly.
  • Say, “Now how did that get there?”
  • Say, “Humus. Reminds me of humus.”
  • Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, “Whoa! Easy boy!”
  • Say, “Interesting… more floaters than sinkers.”
  • Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop the wad under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, “Whoops, could you kick that back over here please?”
  • Say, “C’mon Mr. Happy! Don’t fall asleep on me.”
  • Fill a balloon with creamed corn. Rush into the stall with your hand over your mouth and let out a lengthy vomit impression while you squeeze the balloon and splatter cream corn all about. Apologize profusely and blame it on the fettucine alfredo you had for breakfast.
  • Say, “Boy, that sure looks like a maggot.”
  • Say, “Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?”
  • Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.
  • Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your “Cross-Dressers Anonymous” newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.
  • Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall, adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, “Peek-a-boo!”
  • Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing “Born Free”.

I’ll Have to Call You Back

I was in in the public restroom – I barely sat down when I heard a voice in the other stall: “Hi, how are you?”
Me: embarrassed, “Doin’ fine!”
Stall: “So what are you up to?”
Me: “Uhhh, I’m like you, just sitting here.”
Stall: “Can I come over?”
Me: (attitude) “No, I’m a little busy right now!!”
Stall: “Listen, I’ll have to call you back. There’s an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!

Attention Children!

The Bathroom Door is Closed.

  • Please do not stand here and talk, whine, or ask questions. Wait until I get out.
  • Yes, it is locked. I want it that way. It is not broken, I am not trapped. I know I have left it unlocked, and even open at times, since you were born, because I was afraid some horrible tragedy might occur while I was in here, but it’s been 10 years and I want some PRIVACY.
  • Do not ask me how long I will be. I will come out when I am done.
  • Do not bring the phone to the bathroom door.
  • Do not go running back to the phone yelling, “She’s in the BATHROOM!”
  • Do not begin to fight as soon as I go in.
  • Do not stick your little fingers under the door and wiggle them. This was funny when you were two, but not now.
  • Do not slide pennies, Legos, or notes under the door. Even when you were two this got a little tiresome.
  • If you have followed me down the hall talking, and are still talking as you face this closed door, please turn around, walk away, and wait for me in another room. I will be glad to listen to you when I am done.
  • And yes, I still love you.


A Man’s Strategy for Going to the Bathroom

  1. Walk slowly and proudly up to the bathroom, make sure everyone knows that is where you are headed.
  2. Enter the bathroom, and quickly check out the whole room.
  3. Look for the right urinal. This is how to pick your urinal: There must be at least one urinal between you and the next closest person (on either side) to you, if this is not available, take the urinal next to the wall, beside a ‘safe looking’ male. If this is also not available, glance at stalls, or leave bathroom, and return later, to get the right spot.
  4. If proper urinal is available, approach urinal swiftly, looking straight ahead, never turning eyes or head. Another approach is to look at the floor, feet are always good as well.
  5. Undo pants, relieve yourself as quickly as possible, keep head looking down (or eyes closed and head held looking up) this way no one will think you are trying to check them out.
  6. Shake it off, put it back in your pants.
  7. Wash hands.
  8. Attempt to dry hands. Look to see if a blow dryer or paper towel dispenser is close by. If not, your clothes will do just fine as a towel.
  9. ** Note Steps 7 and 8 are optional, but recommended in 45 of the 50 states and in most countries. How do you know if it is recommended? If there is a sink and soap in the bathroom, you know you are in an area that recommends handwashing.

  10. Exit bathroom, do NOT look back, you didn’t forget anything.
  11. Check to see if your female companion has exited the bathroom before you, although highly unlikely, you must check anyway.
  12. Wait patiently for her return, and remember to NOT say things like, “Wow, what took you so long?”