- She married him because he was such a “strong man”
She divorced him because he was such a “dominating male.” - He married her because she was so “fragile and petite.”
He divorced her because she was so “weak and helpless.” - She married him because “he knows how to provide a good living.”
She divorced him because “all he thinks about is business.” - He married her because “she reminds me of my mother.”
He divorced her because “she’s getting more like her mother every day.” - She married him because he was “happy and romantic.”
She divorced him because he was “shiftless and fun-loving.” - He married her because she was “steady and sensible.”
He divorced her because she was “boring and dull.” - She married him because he was “the life of the party.”
She divorced him because “he never wants to come home from a party.”
Harsh Things to Say to a Naked Man
- I’ve smoked fatter joints than that.
- Ahhhh, it’s cute.
- Why don’t we just cuddle?
- You know they have surgery to fix that.
- Make it dance.
- Can I paint a smiley face on it?
- Wow, and your feet are so big.
- Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
- Oh no… a flash headache.
- (giggle and point)
- Can I be honest with you?
- How sweet, you brought incense.
- This explains your car.
- Maybe if we water it, it’ll grow.
- Why is God punishing me?
- At least this won’t take long.
- I never saw one like that before.
- But it still works, right?
- It looks so unused.
- Maybe it looks better in natural light.
- Why don’t we skip right to the cigarettes?
- Are you cold?
- If you get me real drunk first.
- Is that an optical illusion?
- What is that?
- It’s a good thing you have so many other talents.
- Does it come with an air pump?
- So this is why you’re supposed to judge people on personality.
- I guess this makes me the ‘early bird’.
Why Motorcycles Are Better Than Women
- Motorcycle curves never sag.
- You can ride a motorcycle any day of the month.
- Motorcycles don’t whine unless something is REALLY wrong.
- You can kick your motorcycle to wake it up.
- You can share your motorcycle with friends.
- Motorcycles don’t care how many other motorcycles you have ridden.
- When riding, you and your motorcycle ALWAYS arrive at the same time.
- If your motorcycle is too loose you can tighten it.
- You can drink beer and ride your motorcycle.
- If you say things to your motorcycle you don’t have to apologize before you can ride it again.
- Motorcycles won’t insult you if you are a bad rider.
- Motorcycles don’t care if you are late.
- You don’t have to take a shower before riding your motorcycle.
- If you get a new motorcycle you don’t have to keep sending money to the old one.
Moods …
An angel of truth and a dream of fiction
A woman is a bundle of contradiction
She’s afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse
But will tackle her boyfriend alone in the house
She’ll take him for better, she’ll take him for worse
She’ll break open his head and then be his nurse
But when he’s well and can get out of bed
She’ll pick up the teapot and aim for his head
Beautiful and keenly sighted, yet blind
Crafty and cruel, yet simple and kind
She’ll call him a king, then make him a clown
Raise him on a pedestal, then knock him flat down
She’ll inspire him to deeds that ennoble man
Or make him her lackey to carry her fan
She’ll run away from him and never come back
But if he runs away, then she’ll be on his tracks
Sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose
She’ll kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose
She’ll win you in range, enchant you in silk
She’ll be stronger than brandy, milder than milk
At times she’ll be vengeful, merry and sad
She’ll hate you like poison, and love you like mad
Moods of a Man
Horny.
Midlife for Women
- Midlife is when the growth of the hair on our legs slows down. This gives us plenty of time to care for our newly acquired mustache.
- Midlife women no longer have upper arms; we have wingspans. We are no longer women in sleeveless shirts; we are flying squirrels in drag.
- Midlife has hit when you stand naked in front of the mirror and can see your rear end without turning around.
- Midlife is when you bounce (a lot), but you don’t bounce back. It’s more like splat!
- Midlife is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in a tube top and scream, “Listen, honey, even the Roman Empire fell, and those things will too!”
- Midlife is when you realize that, if you were a dog, you would need a control top flea collar.
- Midlife is when you go to the doctor and you realize you are now so old that you have to pay someone to look at you naked.
- You know you are getting old when you go for a mammogram and know it is the only time someone will ask you to appear topless in a film.
- Midlife brings the wisdom that “life throws you curves” and that you’re now sitting on your biggest ones.
- Midlife can bring out your angry, bitter side. You look at your latte-swilling, beeper-wearing know-it-all teenager and think, “For this I have stretch marks?”
- Midlife is when your memory really starts to go: the only thing you still retain is water.
- The good news about midlife is the glass is still half-full. Of course, the bad news is that it won’t be long before your teeth are floating in it.
- You know you’ve crossed the midlife threshold when you’re in the grocery store and you hear a Muzak version of “Stairway to Heaven” in the produce department.
- Midlife is when your 1970’s Body-by-Jake now includes Legs-by-Rand McNally (more red and blue lines than an accurately scaled map of the state of Wisconsin).
- Midlife is when you start to repeat yourself and your chins follow suit.
- You become more reflective in midlife. You start pondering the “big” questions: what is life, why am I here and how much Healthy Choice ice cream can I eat before it’s no longer a healthy choice.
Men and Women Compared
- Nicknames
If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose. But if Mike, Charlie, Bob and Mark go out for a pint, they will affectionately refer to each other as FatBoy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Useless. - Eating Out
When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and Mark will each throw in $20, even though the total bill is only $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators. - Money
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t want. - Bathrooms
A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items. - Arguments
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. - Cats
Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren’t looking, men kick cats. - Future
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. - Success
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. - Marriage
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t. A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change and she does. - Dressing
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for weddings, funerals. - Looks
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night. - Offspring
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
Men Versus Women, Round 2
- Why do men become smarter during sex?
(because they are plugged into a genius) - Why don’t women blink during foreplay?
(they don’t have enough time) - Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
(they don’t stop for directions) - Why did God put men on earth?
(because a vibrator can’t mow the lawn) - Why don’t women have men’s brains?
(because they don’t have penises to put them in) - What do electri trains and breasts have in common?
(they’re intended for children but men usually end up playing with them) - Why do men snore when they lie on their backs?
(because their balls fall over their assholes and they vapor lock) - Why do men masturbate?
(it is sex with someone they love) - Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
(so they won’t hump women’s legs at cocktail parties) - Why did God make men before women?
(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy) - Why is a man’s pee yellow and his sperm white?
(so he can tell if he’s coming or going) - How many men does it take to put a toilet seat down?
(nobody knows, since it has never happened) - Arguments: A woman has the last word in any argument.
(Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument)
The Top Ten Things Men Know and Understand About Women
And of course,
Phrases Men Wish Their Women Would Say
- Of course I’ll swallow it all…I love the taste!
- Are you sure you’ve had enough to drink?
- I’m bored…let’s shave my pussy.
- Shouldn’t you be down at the bar with your buddies?
- That was a GREAT fart! Do another!
- I have decided to stop wearing clothes around the house.
- You’re so sexy when you are hung over!
- I would rather watch football and drink beer with you than go shopping.
- Let’s subscribe to Hustler.
- Would you like to watch me go down on my girlfriend?
- Say, let’s go down to the mall so that you can check out women’s asses!
- I will be out painting the house.
- I love it when you play golf on Sundays, I just wish you had time to play on Saturdays, too.
- Honey? Our new neighbor’s daughter is sunbathing again…come see!
- I know it’s tighter back there, but will you PLEASE try again?
- No, no…I’ll take the car in for an oil change.
- Your mother is way better than mine!
- Do me a favor, forget the stupid Valentine’s Day thing and buy yourself some new golf clubs!
- I understand fully; our anniversary comes every year, for Christ’s sake! You go hunting with the guys. It’s a great stress reliever!
- What do you say we get a good porno movie, a 6-pack of Bud, and have my friend Tammy over for a threesome?
- No, not the fucking mall again! Let’s try that new tittie bar instead!
- Listen…I make enough money for us both. Why don’t you retire and get that nagging handicap down to a 7 or 8?
- Honey, you need your sleep…stop getting up for night feedings!
- God, if I don’t get to blow you soon, I swear I am going to bust!
- I signed up for yoga classes so that I can get my ankles behind my head for you.
- Let’s just skip the foreplay and romance, and get right down to fucking!
- I am on my period, so why don’t you let me blow you? Better yet, go ahead and screw the secretary!
Signs You Might Be Experiencing Menopause
- Hot Flashes
You sell your home heating system at a yard sale. - Night Sweats
The person you sleep with complains about snow piling up on the bed. - Mood Swings
Your husband jokes that instead of buying a wood stove, he is using you to heat the family room this winter. Rather than just saying you are not amused, you shoot him. - Memory Loss
You write post-it notes with your kid’s names on them. - Irritability
Your husband chirps, “Hi honey, I’m home,” and your reply is, “Well, if it isn’t Ozzie f**king Nelson.” - Sleeplessness
The phenobarbital dose that wiped out the Heaven’s Gate Cult gives you four hours of decent rest. - Fatigue
You find Guacamole in your hair after a Mexican dinner. - Mild Incontinence
You change your underwear after every sneeze. - Sudden Weight Gain
You need the ‘Jaws Of Life’ to help you out of your car after returning home from an Italian restaurant. - Dryness
You ask Jiffy Lube to put you up on a hoist. - Female Hormone Deficiency
You take a sudden interest in”Wrestlemania”. - Hormone Therapy
You’re on so much estrogen that you take your Brownie troop on a field trip to Chippendales.