- Why are men such jerks?
It’s a testosterone thing. Much similar to your PMS thing, we men suffer from testosterone poisoning. Why do you think the average life span of a male is typically 10 years shorter? Hormone modifies behavior. We’re just misunderstood. - Why do men always have to ogle at other women?
Again, this is a testosterone thing. Do you honestly think that all the testosterone just fell out of our bodies the moment we met you? Besides, women do it as well. Women are just much better at not getting caught. - Why do men always touch themselves, especially in public?
We occasionally need to adjust our little friend and make him happy. It’s much like adjusting your bra. Being in public is just an added bonus. - Why do men always say such stupid things?
We like to. It’s actually a whole lot of fun to see our partner frustrated by a few simple (and well chosen) words. - Why are men so uncommunicative?
You’d learn to keep your big mouth shut too if every time you open it you get into trouble with your partner. - Why can’t men just share their feelings?
Do we look like women to you? Why is it so hard to understand that men and women are different? How are we supposed to share how we feel when we have no idea how we feel? Personally, I get a headache whenever I try to figure out how I feel. - Why can’t men cuddle more?
Please… How many hours do you think there is in a day?…. Now sitting on our asses for hours on end on the other hand is a whole other story. - How can men sit on their asses all day without moving?
Men have very powerful sets of sitting muscles developed by evolution that enable us to sit for extended periods of time without getting tired. In prehistoric times, it was often necessary to sit in one spot for extended periods of time while hunting for prey. The fidgety types were all gobbled up by saber toothed tigers etc. - Why can’t men just say, “I love you”?
Men are taught from a tender young age to be self-sufficient. To say that we love you is equivalent to saying that we need you. Most men consider that a character fault. It’s not easy to admit to one’s own character faults. - Why won’t men ever pick up after themselves?
Why should we? It doesn’t really bother us that much. Besides, we know darn well you’ll pick it up. - What’s with all the belching and farting?
This usually only occurs after months of courting. It’s our way to let you know that we’re comfortable with you. Believe it or not, it’s actually a sign of affection. Besides, holding it for extended periods of time gives us stomach cramps.
I Need a Quick Divorce!
A Polish lad married a Canadian girl after he had been in Canada a year or so and, although his English was far from perfect, they got on very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer’s office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him – “very quick.”
The lawyer said that the speed of getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances and asked him the following questions:
LAWYER: Have you any grounds?
POLE: Ja, Ja, un acre und half.
LAWYER: Does your wife beat you up?
POLE: No, I always up before her.
LAWYER: Is your wife a nagger?
POLE: No, she white.
LAWYER: Why do you want this divorce?
POLE: She going to kill me.
LAWYER: What makes you think that?
POLE: I gut proof.
LAWYER: What kind of proof?
POLE: She bought bottle at drug stoore, und put on shelf in bathroom. I cun read – it suz “Polish Remover.”
The Real Meaning Behind Those Personal Ads
- 40-ish
48 - Adventurer
Has had more partners than you ever will - Athletic
Flat-chested - Average looking
Ugly - Beautiful
Pathological liar - Contagious Smile
Bring your penicillin - Educated
College dropout - Emotionally Secure
Medicated - Feminist
Fat; ball buster - Free spirit
Substance user - Friendship first
Trying to live down reputation as slut - Fun
Annoying - Gentle
Comatose - Good Listener
Borderline Autistic - New-Age
All body hair, all the time - Old-fashioned
Lights out, missionary position only - Open-minded
Desperate - Outgoing
Loud - Passionate
Loud - Poet
Depressive Schzophrenic - Professional
Real Witch - Redhead
Shops the Clairol section - Reubenesque
Grossly Fat - Romantic
Looks better by candle light - Voluptuous
Very Fat - Weight proportional to height
Hugely Fat - Wants Soulmate
One step away from stalking - Widow
Nagged first husband to death - Young at heart
Toothless crone
A Perfect Story
Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident. The mind numbing question is: Who was the survivor?
Scroll down for the answer…
The perfect woman survived. She’s the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man. Women stop reading here. That is the end of the joke.
Men keep’a scrollin’…
So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. And that explains why there was a car accident. By the way, if you’re a woman and you’re reading this, this illustrates another point: Women never listen, either.
The Perfect Day
For Her
- 08:15 Wake-up to hugs and kisses.
- 08:30 Weigh in 5 pounds lighter than yesterday.
- 08:45 Breakfast in bed, fresh squeezed orange juice and croissants.
- 09:15 Soothing hot bath with fragrant lilac bath oil.
- 10:00 Light workout at club with handsome, funny personal trainer.
- 10:30 Facial, manicure, shampoo and comb out.
- 12:00 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe.
- 12:45 Notice ex-boyfriend’s wife, she has gained 30 pounds.
- 13:00 Shopping with friends, unlimited credit.
- 15:00 Nap.
- 16:00 3 dozen roses delivered by florist, card is from secret admirer.
- 16:15 Light workout at club, followed by gentle massage.
- 17:30 Pick out outfit for dinner, primp before the mirror.
- 19:30 Candlelight dinner for two followed by dancing.
- 22:00 Hot shower (alone).
- 22:30 Make love.
- 23:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling.
- 23:15 Fall asleep in his big strong arms.
For Him
- 06:00 Alarm.
- 06:15 Get oral sex.
- 06:30 Massive dump while reading sports section of USA Today.
- 07:00 Breakfast, Filet mignon and eggs, toast and coffee.
- 07:30 Limo arrives.
- 07:45 Stoli Bloody Mary en-route to airport.
- 08:15 Private G4 to Augusta, Georgia (Coffee, Sports Illustrated and Wall Street Journal).
- 09:30 Limo to Augusta National Golf Club.
- 09:45 Front nine at Augusta (2 under).
- 11:45 Lunch, 2 dozen oysters on the half shell, 3 Heinekens.
- 12:15 Get oral sex.
- 12:30 Back nine Augusta (4 under).
- 14:15 Limo back to airport (Bombay martini).
- 14:30 Private G4, Augusta to Nassau, Bahamas (nap).
- 15:15 Late afternoon fishing excursion with all female (topless) crew.
- 16:30 Land World Record light tackle Marlin (1249 lbs).
- 17:00 G4 back home, massage & hand job en-route by naked Elle McPhereson.
- 18:45 Poop, shower and shave.
- 19:00 Watch CNN news-flash: Obama resigns; Hillary and Al Gore’s farm-animal video released and authenticated.
- 19:30 Dinner, Lobster appetizers, Dom Perignon (1963), 20 oz. New York Steak
- 21:00 Remy Martin and Cuban Partagas cigar.
- 21:30 Sex with three women.
- 23:00 Massage and Jacuzzi.
- 23:45 Bed (alone).
- 23:50 12 second, 4-octave, dog-leaves-the-room flatulence explosion.
- 23:55 Giggle oneself to sleep.
Outdoor Barbequing
Definition of Outdoor Barbecuing: It’s the only type of cooking a “real” man will do!
When a man volunteers to do such cooking, the following chain of events is put into motion:
- The woman goes to the store.
- The woman fixes the salad, vegetables, and dessert.
- The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill, drinking a beer.
- The man places the meat on the grill.
- The woman goes inside to set the table and checks the vegetables.
- The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning.
- The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.
- The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.
- After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
- The man asks the woman how she enjoyed “her night off.”
And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there’s just no pleasing some women.
Pardon?
Once upon a time there was a Prince who, through no fault of his own was cast under a spell by an evil witch. The curse was that the Prince could speak only one word each year. However, he could save up the words so that if he did not speak for a whole year, then the following year he was allowed to speak two words. (This was before the time of letter writing or sign language.)
One day he met a beautiful princess (ruby lips, golden hair, sapphire eyes,) and fell madly in love. With the greatest difficulty he decided to refrain from speaking for two whole years so that he could look at her and say “my darling”. But at the end of the two years he wished to tell her that he loved her. Because of this he waited three more years without speaking (bringing the total number of silent years to 5).
But at the end of these five years he realized that he had to ask her to marry him. So he waited ANOTHER four years without speaking. Finally as the ninth year of silence ended, his joy knew no bounds.
Leading the lovely princess to the most secluded and romantic place in that beautiful royal garden the prince heaped a hundred red roses on her lap, knelt before her, and taking her hand in his, said huskily, “My darling, I love you! Will you marry me?”
And the princess tucked a strand of golden hair behind a dainty ear, opened her sapphire eyes in wonder, and parting her ruby lips, said: “Pardon?”
If Operating Systems Were Women…
- UNIX:
She’s objective, very logical, and highly intelligent. She’s not terribly attractive but she looks okay with lots of makeup. She’s very tidy and a keeps a clean house. She only speaks ancient Greek and only listens to you if you use perfect grammar and punctuation. She’s very emotionally stable and refuses to argue. People seek her advice on the really important things because they know they can depend on her. - Mac OS:
She’s even tempered and only blows up if you do something really stupid or if there’s something seriously wrong with her system. She’s beautiful and improves with age. She’s very stylish and sets trends. She never lies. She is easy to talk to and you can
generally get her to do what you want without much of a fuss. She’s a good communicator and likes to talk to friends. She’s flexible and likes change. She’s always nice to people when they come to visit. People love her when they get to know her and she has devoted friends everywhere. She smiles at you when you turn her on. - Windows:
She has a nasty temper and often blows up at you for no reason. You have to fight with her to get her to do anything and she insists that you do things the hard way. She’s extremely jealous and has been known to slip poison into the drinks of other women who
come to visit. She even fights with her friends and it can take hours to get them to listen to each other. Even then, they only recognize each other when they feel like it. She has many psychological problems which carried over from her DOS childhood, although she claims to be over it. Her house is immaculate until you look in the closets and storage spaces where she hides all the crap she doesn’t want people to see. Her house is full of nifty appliances and home electronics but you’re lucky if you can get anything to work. Nothing in her house is where you would expect it to be; the kitchen is on the roof and the bathroom is through a trap door under a rug. She throws a tantrum if you rearrange the furniture. If she gets really mad she makes you go outside, ring the doorbell and wait for her to calm down and let you back in. She deteriorates with age and gets even more ornery the older she gets.
Why Oreos are Better than Men
- They don’t scream if you twist them too hard.
- They don’t get drunk and throw up in your bed.
- They are always good.
- They go away when you want them too.
- Rather have chocolate in your teeth than hair.
- Don’t have to worry about the last person who ate one.
- It’s always fun to swallow.
- They never talk.
- When it makes a mess in your bed, it’s easy to clean.
- The creamy white stuff tastes good.
Why Aren’t You Married Yet?
- You haven’t asked yet.
- I was hoping to do something meaningful with my life.
- What? And spoil my great sex life?
- Nobody would believe me wearing white.
- Just lucky, I guess.
- It gives my mother something to live for.
- My fiancee is awaiting his/her parole.
- I’m still hoping for a shot at Miss/Mr. America.
- Do you know how hard it is to get two tickets to Miss Saigon?
- I’m waiting until I get to be your age.
- It didn’t seem worth a blood test.
- I already have enough laundry to do, thank you.
- Because I think it would take all the spontaneity out of dating.
- They just opened a great singles bar on my block.
- I wouldn’t want my parents to drop dead from sheer happiness.
- I guess it just goes to prove that you can’t trust those voodoo doll rituals.
- What? And lose all the money I’ve invested in running personal ads?
- We really want to, but my lover’s spouse just won’t go for it.
- I don’t want to have to support another person on my paycheck.
- Why aren’t you thin?
- I’m married to my career, although recently we have been considering a trial separation.
- (Bonus reply for single mothers) Because having a husband and a child would be redundant.