- Announcement:
It is the responsibility of the bride’s family to announce the wedding in the local newspaper. The announcement should include: A photograph of the bride (A high school
yearbook picture is acceptable); Name of the groom, education completed by both bride and groom (DO NOT include elementary school, unless that was the terminal degree.); current employment and planned residence after the ceremony (If living with the brides parents, it is NOT necessary to specify where in the house you will reside). - Invitations:
Since you are having a planned wedding and you are expecting a lot of free stuff, you MUST send out invitations! They do not have to be lengthy. Something like “You are invited to watch so-and so and so-and-so make it legal on ______” will suffice nicely. If you don’t want to be so formal you can always run down to the local bar and yell “If you ain’t doing nothin’ on _____ why don’t you stop by my house for a cold one about 2 o’clock. Me and the Missus-to-be are having some friends over to watch the ball game and witness our wedding.” - Proper Attire:
For the bride, the key words are “be conservative.” No matter how good it may look, refrain from wedding outfits made with spandex or adorned with fringe. Excessive slits and dips also are frowned upon. This is NOT the occasion to show the world how big “THEY” are.For the groom, a rented tuxedo is haute couture, but if it means the difference between going on a honeymoon and staying home, consider some alternatives. For example, a leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean work shirt can create a natty appearance. And though possibly uncomfortable, say yes to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
- The Ceremony:
No matter how urgent the event, loaded weapons have no place at the altar. At the point in the ceremony that says, “If anybody has any reason why these two should no be joined in holy matrimony…” tell the preacher not to pause too long, old flames sometimes die hard and talk too much. As the ceremony is concluded, you and and your new spouse should realize that a short kiss will do. This is neither the time nor the place to demonstrate your sexual expertise to the world. That’s why the video camera was invented. - Reception:
Remember to reserve the UAW hall far in advance, and avoid Saturdays, since that’s bingo night. It is perfectly acceptable to ask guests to wipe their feet before entering the hall. After all the cleaning deposit can be the difference between an oil change and a full tune-up for the car. When dancing never remove undergarments, no matter how hot it is!! - Common Wedding Questions and Answers:
Q: Is it all right to bring a date to the wedding?
A: NOT if you are the groom.Q: How many showers is the bride supposed to have?
A: At least one within a week of the wedding.Q: What music is recommended for the wedding ceremony?
A: Anything except “Tied to the Whipping Post”.
Ways to Drive the Man in Your Life Crazy
- Take the batteries out of all the remotes in the house. (Hide them well.)
- Organize his workshop, bedroom, or other special place.
- Bribe his faithful dog away from him with a steady diet of Ring Dings.
- Shrink his underwear in the dryer and when he complains, innocently suggest that he’s gained a few pounds.
- Stare at his forehead and when he notices, casually ask if there is any history of male pattern baldness on his mother’s side.
- “Accidentally” fill the gas tank of his new Porsche with diesel.
- Repeatedly misplace the cordless phone, preferably in a different room each time.
- Repeatedly lose his cellular phone in restaurants around town.
- Loan his precious cellular phone to a pregnant girlfriend who “needs it more than he does.”
- Insist upon a lot of “meaningful conversations.”
- If you live together, have your mother fly in for a month-long visit unannounced.
- Reverse his contact lenses in their case.
- Snip a small hole in his fishing waders, then follow him with a camera to capture his “sinking” on film.
- Superglue the pages of his Little Black Book together.
- Give the secret stash of dirty magazines that he thinks you don’t know about to his younger brother, who he hates.
- Put a gummy worm in his workboots. If he finds the sticky mess at the end of the day, blame it on the cat.
- Slip outside while he is engrossed in his sports and let the air out of one tire. Repeat, never deflating the same tire twice in a row. Try hard not to snicker when he takes the car in for new tires.
- If you really feel adventurous, put a small rock in his hubcap. Stand back and watch the fun. This one is even better if you have kids in the neighborhood to take the blame.
- Along the same lines, remove his gas cap.
Introducing… The Invisible Fence Bra
From the folks who make the Invisible Fence for cats and dogs, now comes the Invisible Fence Bra for your teenage daughter!
Using advanced electromagnetic technology, the Invisible Fence Bra creates a safety zone around Daddy’s Little Angel.
If a horny young bastard has decided to skip the Church social and head right to the Devil’s Playground, your daughter will be safe and secure with this bra. Attempting to remove it without keying in the secret combination results in a “slight correction” to the horny young bastard.
Voltage levels are set in ten ascending doses including: “Don’t Go There, Boyfriend”, “Freddy’ll Lose His Fingers”, “Rushin’ Hands, Electrocuted Fingers”, “Char Your Fingers To The Bone”, and, the ultimate level, “Any Last Words Before We Throw The Switch?”
Ladies, do *you* have a boss that likes to reach over your shoulder for a pencil on your desk? The Invisible Fence Bra has an accessory which clips underneath your chair. When the boss’s hand dips into the the “No Fly Zone”, the magnetic field of the bra triggers the mechanical arm of the accessory we like to call: “Balls Through The Wall.” Your boss can then apply for a role on “The Sopranos.”
Don’t delay! Operators are standing by now.
SRH
John and Brian are out and about. John notices that Brian is a bit pissy during the evening, so he finally brings up.
“Yo, man, you’ve been cranky all damned day. What the hell is wrong with you. You’re acting like you’ve got PMS.”
“Naw, I don’t have PMS, but I definitely think I’m suffering from the male counterpart. I call it SRH.”
“SRH? What’s that?”
“Sperm Retention Headache.”
Spot
A young man was delighted to finally be asked home to meet the parents of the young woman he’d been seeing for some time. He was quite nervous about the meeting, though, and by the time he arrived punctually at the doorstep he was in a state of gastric distress.
The problem developed into one of acute flatulence, and halfway through the canapes the young man realized he couldn’t hold it in one second longer without exploding. A tiny fart escaped.
“SPOT!” called out the young woman’s mother to the family dog, lying at the young man’s feet.
Relieved at the dog’s having been blamed, the young man let another, slightly larger one go. “Spot!” she called out sharply.
“I’ve got it made,” thought the fellow to himself. One more and I’ll feel fine. So he let loose a really big one.
“Spot!” shrieked the mother. “Get over here before he craps on you!”
Signs Your Divorce Isn’t Going Well
- Since his recent divorce, your lawyer has been using his car for an office.
- Your spouse’s lawyer has suddenly taken to lighting his cigarettes with twenties.
- The judge is seriously considering your spouse’s request for custody of your immortal soul.
- Your spouse’s attorney is seeking the death penalty.
- Your husband has been granted temporary custody of one of your implants.
- Your mother’s name appears on your wife’s witness list.
- Given the choice, your penis opts to live with her.
- Your portion of the settlement so far: The Commodore 64, the Chia pets and the Wham! CD collection.
- Jerry Springer cancelled your appearance, citing “Safety Concerns.”
- You discover that Judge Jacques’ last name is actually *not* pronounced “Jack-ass.”
- In her search for hidden assets, your wife hires a proctologist.
- Your half of the dog arrives postage due.
- Johnnie Cochran’s closing argument: “If dad goes gay, he’s got to pay!”
- During the pre-trial conference, the judge brings your wife to orgasm with his toe under the conference table.
Rita Rudner’s 50 Facts About Men
- Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.
- Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced
pain and bought jewelry. - If you buy your husband or boyfriend a video camera, for the first few weeks he has it, lock the door when you go to the bathroom. Most of my husband’s early films end with a scream and a flush.
- Be careful of men who are bald and rich; the arrogance of “rich” usually cancels out the nice of “bald.”
- Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.
- Men are very confident people. My husband is so confident that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates he can help his team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players from our living room, and if they’re really in trouble, I have to get off the phone in case they call him.
- If it’s attention you want, don’t get involved with a man during play-off season.
- Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.
- Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.
- All men look nerdy in black socks and sandals.
- The way a man looks at himself in a mirror will tell you if he can ever care about anyone else.
- Don’t try to teach men how to do anything in public. They can learn in private; in public they have to know.
- Men who are going bald often wear baseball caps.
- All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.
- A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.
- Men love watches with multiple functions. My husband has one that is a combination address book, telescope and piano.
- All men hate to hear “We need to talk about our relationship.” These seven words strike fear in the heart of even General Schwarzkopf.
- Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.
- Men are brave enough to go to war, but they are not brave enough to get a bikini wax.
- All men think that they’re nice guys. Some of them are not. Contact me for a list of names.
- Men don’t get cellulite. God might just be a man.
- Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types: depressing
and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy. - Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.
- Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I’ve never seen a man walk into a party and say “Oh, my God, I’m so embarrassed; get me out of here. There’s another man wearing a black tuxedo.”
- Most men hate to shop. That’s why the men’s department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.
- If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious.
- If you’re dating a man who you think might be “Mr. Right,” if he
a) got older,
b) got a new job, or
c) visited a psychiatrist, you are in for a nasty surprise. - The cocoon-to-butterfly theory only works on cocoons and butterflies.
- Men own basketball teams. Every year cheerleaders’ outfits get tighter and briefer, and players’ shorts get baggier and longer.
- No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.
- When four or more men get together, they talk about sports. When four or more women get together, they talk about men.
- Not one man in a beer commercial has a beer belly.
- Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie THE WAY WE WERE twice, voluntarily.
- Most women are introspective: “Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?” Most men are outrospective: “Did my team win? How’s my car?”
- If a man says, “I’ll call you,” and he doesn’t, he didn’t forget… he didn’t lose your number…he didn’t die. He just didn’t want to call you.
- Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis. I asked him, “Are we going to have sex again?” He said, “Yes, but not with each other.”
- Men who can eat anything they want and not gain weight should do it out of sight of women.
- Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem. “Get out” and “I never want to see you again” might sound like a challenge. If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, “I love you…I want to marry you…I want to have your children.” Sometimes they leave skid marks.
- Men accept compliments much better than women do. Example: “Mitch, you look great.” Mitch: “Thanks.” On the other side: “Ruth, you look great.” Ruth: “I do? Must be the lighting.”
- Impulse buying is not macho. Men rarely call the Home Shopping Network.
- Men who listen to classical music tend not to spit.
- Only men who have worn a ski suit understand how complicated it is for a woman to go to the bathroom when she’s wearing a jumpsuit.
- Men don’t feel the urge to get married as quickly as women do because their clothes all button and zip in the front. Women’s dresses usually button and zip in the back. We need men emotionally and sexually, but we also need men to help us get dressed.
- Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with superheros. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.
- When a woman tries on clothing from her closet that feels tight, she will assume she has gained weight. When a man tries on clothing from his closet that feels tight, he will assume the clothing has shrunk.
- Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause
you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause – you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles. - Men forget everything; women remember everything.
- That’s why men need instant replays in sports. They’ve already forgotten what happened.
- Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony.
- All men would still really like to own a train set.
Relationship Contract
I, the undersigned, a female accepting a marriage proposal, agree that…
- Section 1. In the unlikely event of my not having an orgasm after you’ve drunkenly rolled on top of me and pumped away for five *whole* minutes, wheezing like an old man with emphysema, I shall politely fake one.
- Section 1.01 And it’ll be a really good act too, with me saying stuff like “So THIS is what hot monkey love is all about!” and howling like a cat that’s being repeatedly jabbed with a pin.
- Section 1.02 I will never ask for more *foreplay*.
- Section 2. I fully understand that a woman’s main role in any relationship is to take the blame. So when you stub your toe in the bathroom or your football team loses, I agree that – by some complex scientific equation incomprehensible to woman –
it will be my fault. Even if I wasn’t there. - Section 3. Whenever my friends and I get together for a girl’s night out, I will tell them that you are better hung than a large-balled Himalayan yak, and an elephant would jealous of your genitalia.
- Section 3.01 I shall mention *often* your sexual prowess and longevity in the bedroom.
- Section 3.02 And I will also mention this to YOUR friends. A lot.
- Section 4. After sex (which I will NEVER refer to as “making love”), I will not expect you to cuddle me for hours till your arm goes dead. Nor will I let my hair annoyingly get in your face.
- Section 4.01 I will never, ever give your penis a “cute” nickname.
- Section 5. In bed, I will be as keen as mustard to try any novel sexual position you fancy. Especially ones where I do all the work and you just lie there, grinning.
- Section 5.01 I will ruthlessly interrogate my attractive female friends and inform you if any of them have the slightest bi-sexual tendencies. Then I’ll invite them around for dinner. And hide their car keys so they have to stay.
- Section 5.02 I promise to work out at the gym for two hours a day in order to keep my body sexually desirable to you, even though your intake of beer may cause your gut to swell to proportions of a nine-month pregnancy.
- Section 5.03 I promise never to bring up your hair loss and the fact that a baby’s butt and/or honeydew melon is somewhat similar.
- Section 5.04 I promise to shave every *possible* inch of my body, and will always love your *weekend* beard…
- Section 6. After we split up, I will never sleep with any of your friends or colleagues. Or anyone else you have ever met. Or may one day meet. And if men attempt to talk to me, I will solemnly inform them that you have “ruined me for other men”.
- Section 7. I understand that mechanical objects like cars, computer games, and remote control devices are beyond the comprehension of women. I will only make a fool of myself if I attempt to operate them, so you’re in charge of anything *mechanical*.
- Section 7.01 With the exception of the following household items: iron, washing machine and dryer, stove, refrigerator, garbage disposal, garbage can, vacuum cleaner, diapers and toilets.
Being of sound mind and body, I enter this relationship contract.
Signed ____________________________________ (female)
Comebacks to Pick-up Lines
- Man: “Haven’t we met before?”
Woman: “Yes, I’m the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic.” - Man: “So, wanna go back to my place?”
Woman: “Well, I don’t know. Will two people fit under a rock?” - The most memorable rebuttal to a turn down (used by the guy who used to live
across the hall from me in residence) when he asked girl to dance and she refused:
Man: “Want to dance?”
Woman: “No, thank you.”
Man: “Don’t thank me, thank God somebody asked you.” - Man: “I’d like to call you. What’s your number?”
Woman: “It’s in the phone book.”
Man: “But I don’t know your name.”
Woman: “That’s in the phone book too.” - Man: “So what do you do for a living?”
Woman: “Female impersonator.” - And here’s one including the correct snappy return.
Man: “How do you like your eggs in the morning?”
Woman: “Unfertilized.” - A girlfriend of mine once had a graying man in his 60’s approach her in a club
while she was in college with the line, “Where have you been all my life?” She took one glance at him and said, “For the first half of it, I probably
wasn’t born yet.” - A friend of mine came up with a very quick response over vacation. We were
walking down the street and I glanced at a girl who had just walked by. She turned around and said to me, “What are you looking at?” My friend, walking next to me came to the rescue, “He thought you were good looking, but he was mistaken.”
Recent Personal Ads
- SWM – Single White Male – looking for SWF – Object — walks, good conversation,
cultural outings and wearing each others’ behinds as hats. Please, no kooks. Box 7464. - You, at the cafeteria dessert bar slipping a couple creme caramels into your brassiere; me, at the buffet table, nonchalantly tossing a few croutons in the air and catching them in my mouth just to get your attention, followed by grapes, Swedish meatballs, and a leg of lamb. When I came to, you were gone. Call me. I think there was something special there. Box 9867.
- Drop Dead Gorgeous redhead, Christy, wants to meet man with large wallet. Object — him dropping dead. Sincere. Box 4942. Ask for Hank.
- SWMSTOSOG – Single White Male Siamese Twins, One Straight One Gay desperately seeking SWFSTOSOWTUGR – Single White Female Siamese Twins, One Straight One Willing To Undergo Gender Reallocation. Straight one must be on my right, her left — or willing to stand on head. Must be Baptist. Box 3755.
- SWMWH – Single White Male With Hump – also huge hairy warts, mismatched legs, crab-like walk, oozing sores and speech impimbimimnt, Republican, looking for SWS – Single White Supermodel – must be staunch NRA supporter. Object — just maybe parent future president of U.S. of A. Leave partics along with recent photo at foot of bell tower. No freaks.