Handy Guide to Deciphering Personals Ads

Women’s Ads

  • 40-ish – 49
  • Adventurer – Slept with all your friends
  • Athletic – No tits
  • Average looking – Has a face like a basset hound
  • Beautiful – Pathological liar
  • Contagious Smile – Does a lot of Ecstasy
  • Educated – Banged her Political Science professor
  • Emotionally Secure – Medicated
  • Feminist – Fat ballbuster
  • Free spirit – Junkie
  • Friendship first – Trying to live down reputation as a slut
  • Fun – Annoying
  • Gentle – Comatose
  • Good Listener – Borderline Autistic
  • New-Age – All body hair, all the time
  • Old-fashioned – Lights out, missionary position only, no BJs
  • Open-minded – Desperate
  • Outgoing – Loud and Embarrassing
  • Passionate – Sloppy drunk
  • Poet – Depressive Schizophrenic
  • Professional – Certified Bitch
  • Redhead – Bad dye-job
  • Reubenesque – Grossly Fat
  • Romantic – Looks better by candle light
  • Social – Has been passed around like an hors d’oeuvres tray
  • Voluptuous – Very Fat, Weight proportion w/ height.
  • Hugely Fat – as tall as you are wide
  • Wants Soulmate – Stalker
  • Widow – Drove first husband to shoot himself
  • Young at heart – Old bat

Men’s Ads

  • 40-ish – 52 and looking for 25-yr-old
  • Athletic – Watches a lot of NASCAR
  • Average looking – Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, & back
  • Educated – Will patronize the shit out of you
  • Free Spirit – Banging your sister
  • Friendship first – As long as friendship involves nookie
  • Fun – Good with a remote and a six pack
  • Good looking – Arrogant
  • Very good looking – Dumb as a board
  • Honest – Pathological Liar
  • Huggable – Overweight, more body hair than a bear
  • Likes to cuddle – Insecure mama’s boy
  • Mature – Older than your father
  • Open-minded – Wants to sleep with your roommate but she’s not interested
  • Physically fit – Does a lot of 12-ounce curls
  • Poet – Wrote ex-girlfriend’s # on a bathroom stall
  • Sensitive – Cries at chick flicks
  • Very sensitive – Gay
  • Spiritual – Got laid in a cemetery once
  • Stable – Arrested for stalking, but not convicted
  • Thoughtful – Says “Excuse me” when he farts

Recent Personal Ads

  • SWM – Single White Male – looking for SWF – Object — walks, good conversation,
    cultural outings and wearing each others’ behinds as hats. Please, no kooks. Box 7464.
  • You, at the cafeteria dessert bar slipping a couple creme caramels into your brassiere; me, at the buffet table, nonchalantly tossing a few croutons in the air and catching them in my mouth just to get your attention, followed by grapes, Swedish meatballs, and a leg of lamb. When I came to, you were gone. Call me. I think there was something special there. Box 9867.
  • Drop Dead Gorgeous redhead, Christy, wants to meet man with large wallet. Object — him dropping dead. Sincere. Box 4942. Ask for Hank.
  • SWMSTOSOG – Single White Male Siamese Twins, One Straight One Gay desperately seeking SWFSTOSOWTUGR – Single White Female Siamese Twins, One Straight One Willing To Undergo Gender Reallocation. Straight one must be on my right, her left — or willing to stand on head. Must be Baptist. Box 3755.
  • SWMWH – Single White Male With Hump – also huge hairy warts, mismatched legs, crab-like walk, oozing sores and speech impimbimimnt, Republican, looking for SWS – Single White Supermodel – must be staunch NRA supporter. Object — just maybe parent future president of U.S. of A. Leave partics along with recent photo at foot of bell tower. No freaks.

The Real Meaning Behind Those Personal Ads

  • 40-ish
  • Adventurer
    Has had more partners than you ever will
  • Athletic
  • Average looking
  • Beautiful
    Pathological liar
  • Contagious Smile
    Bring your penicillin
  • Educated
    College dropout
  • Emotionally Secure
  • Feminist
    Fat; ball buster
  • Free spirit
    Substance user
  • Friendship first
    Trying to live down reputation as slut
  • Fun
  • Gentle
  • Good Listener
    Borderline Autistic
  • New-Age
    All body hair, all the time
  • Old-fashioned
    Lights out, missionary position only
  • Open-minded
  • Outgoing
  • Passionate
  • Poet
    Depressive Schzophrenic
  • Professional
    Real Witch
  • Redhead
    Shops the Clairol section
  • Reubenesque
    Grossly Fat
  • Romantic
    Looks better by candle light
  • Voluptuous
    Very Fat
  • Weight proportional to height
    Hugely Fat
  • Wants Soulmate
    One step away from stalking
  • Widow
    Nagged first husband to death
  • Young at heart
    Toothless crone

Acronyms Least Used in Personal Ads

    Ugly Yet Financially Secure Older Male With Plenty Of Viagra
    Rich Computer Geek Who Just Wants to Watch
  • JRLA
    Janet Reno Look-Alike
    President Of Jesse Helms Fan Club
  • CWP
    Cigar-Wielding President
  • TOML
    Twin of Monica Lewinsky
    Moonwalking Single-Gloved Straight/Gay White/Black Male/Female King Of Pop With Predilection For Young Boys
  • RHMI
    Really Hip Macarena Instructor
    Heroin Addict With Great Sense Of Humor
    Showtune Loving Straight Male
    Works At Radio Shack And Drives A Pinto
    Broke White Boy Who Wants to be a Rapper