Handy Guide to Deciphering Personals Ads

Women’s Ads

  • 40-ish – 49
  • Adventurer – Slept with all your friends
  • Athletic – No tits
  • Average looking – Has a face like a basset hound
  • Beautiful – Pathological liar
  • Contagious Smile – Does a lot of Ecstasy
  • Educated – Banged her Political Science professor
  • Emotionally Secure – Medicated
  • Feminist – Fat ballbuster
  • Free spirit – Junkie
  • Friendship first – Trying to live down reputation as a slut
  • Fun – Annoying
  • Gentle – Comatose
  • Good Listener – Borderline Autistic
  • New-Age – All body hair, all the time
  • Old-fashioned – Lights out, missionary position only, no BJs
  • Open-minded – Desperate
  • Outgoing – Loud and Embarrassing
  • Passionate – Sloppy drunk
  • Poet – Depressive Schizophrenic
  • Professional – Certified Bitch
  • Redhead – Bad dye-job
  • Reubenesque – Grossly Fat
  • Romantic – Looks better by candle light
  • Social – Has been passed around like an hors d’oeuvres tray
  • Voluptuous – Very Fat, Weight proportion w/ height.
  • Hugely Fat – as tall as you are wide
  • Wants Soulmate – Stalker
  • Widow – Drove first husband to shoot himself
  • Young at heart – Old bat

Men’s Ads

  • 40-ish – 52 and looking for 25-yr-old
  • Athletic – Watches a lot of NASCAR
  • Average looking – Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, & back
  • Educated – Will patronize the shit out of you
  • Free Spirit – Banging your sister
  • Friendship first – As long as friendship involves nookie
  • Fun – Good with a remote and a six pack
  • Good looking – Arrogant
  • Very good looking – Dumb as a board
  • Honest – Pathological Liar
  • Huggable – Overweight, more body hair than a bear
  • Likes to cuddle – Insecure mama’s boy
  • Mature – Older than your father
  • Open-minded – Wants to sleep with your roommate but she’s not interested
  • Physically fit – Does a lot of 12-ounce curls
  • Poet – Wrote ex-girlfriend’s # on a bathroom stall
  • Sensitive – Cries at chick flicks
  • Very sensitive – Gay
  • Spiritual – Got laid in a cemetery once
  • Stable – Arrested for stalking, but not convicted
  • Thoughtful – Says “Excuse me” when he farts