Women’s Ads

• 40-ish – 49
• Adventurer – Slept with all your friends
• Athletic – No tits
• Average looking – Has a face like a basset hound
• Beautiful – Pathological liar
• Contagious Smile – Does a lot of Ecstasy
• Educated – Banged her Political Science professor
• Emotionally Secure – Medicated
• Feminist – Fat ballbuster
• Free spirit – Junkie
• Friendship first – Trying to live down reputation as a slut
• Fun – Annoying
• Gentle – Comatose
• Good Listener – Borderline Autistic
• New-Age – All body hair, all the time
• Old-fashioned – Lights out, missionary position only, no BJs
• Open-minded – Desperate
• Outgoing – Loud and Embarrassing
• Passionate – Sloppy drunk
• Poet – Depressive Schizophrenic
• Professional – Certified Bitch
• Redhead – Bad dye-job
• Reubenesque – Grossly Fat
• Romantic – Looks better by candle light
• Social – Has been passed around like an hors d’oeuvres tray
• Voluptuous – Very Fat, Weight proportion w/ height.
• Hugely Fat – as tall as you are wide
• Wants Soulmate – Stalker
• Widow – Drove first husband to shoot himself
• Young at heart – Old bat

Men’s Ads

• 40-ish – 52 and looking for 25-yr-old
• Athletic – Watches a lot of NASCAR
• Average looking – Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, & back
• Educated – Will patronize the shit out of you
• Free Spirit – Banging your sister
• Friendship first – As long as friendship involves nookie
• Fun – Good with a remote and a six pack
• Good looking – Arrogant
• Very good looking – Dumb as a board
• Honest – Pathological Liar
• Huggable – Overweight, more body hair than a bear
• Likes to cuddle – Insecure mama’s boy
• Mature – Older than your father
• Open-minded – Wants to sleep with your roommate but she’s not interested
• Physically fit – Does a lot of 12-ounce curls
• Poet – Wrote ex-girlfriend’s # on a bathroom stall
• Sensitive – Cries at chick flicks
• Very sensitive – Gay
• Spiritual – Got laid in a cemetery once
• Stable – Arrested for stalking, but not convicted
• Thoughtful – Says “Excuse me” when he farts