The Real Meaning Behind Those Personal Ads

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  • 40-ish
    48

  • Adventurer
    Has had more partners than you ever will

  • Athletic
    Flat-chested

  • Average looking
    Ugly

  • Beautiful
    Pathological liar

  • Contagious Smile
    Bring your penicillin

  • Educated
    College dropout

  • Emotionally Secure
    Medicated

  • Feminist
    Fat; ball buster

  • Free spirit
    Substance user

  • Friendship first
    Trying to live down reputation as slut

  • Fun
    Annoying

  • Gentle
    Comatose

  • Good Listener
    Borderline Autistic

  • New-Age
    All body hair, all the time

  • Old-fashioned
    Lights out, missionary position only

  • Open-minded
    Desperate

  • Outgoing
    Loud

  • Passionate
    Loud

  • Poet
    Depressive Schzophrenic

  • Professional
    Real Witch

  • Redhead
    Shops the Clairol section

  • Reubenesque
    Grossly Fat

  • Romantic
    Looks better by candle light

  • Voluptuous
    Very Fat

  • Weight proportional to height
    Hugely Fat

  • Wants Soulmate
    One step away from stalking

  • Widow
    Nagged first husband to death

  • Young at heart
    Toothless crone