A Man’s Strategy for Going to the Bathroom

  1. Walk slowly and proudly up to the bathroom, make sure everyone knows that is where you are headed.
  2. Enter the bathroom, and quickly check out the whole room.
  3. Look for the right urinal. This is how to pick your urinal: There must be at least one urinal between you and the next closest person (on either side) to you, if this is not available, take the urinal next to the wall, beside a ‘safe looking’ male. If this is also not available, glance at stalls, or leave bathroom, and return later, to get the right spot.
  4. If proper urinal is available, approach urinal swiftly, looking straight ahead, never turning eyes or head. Another approach is to look at the floor, feet are always good as well.
  5. Undo pants, relieve yourself as quickly as possible, keep head looking down (or eyes closed and head held looking up) this way no one will think you are trying to check them out.
  6. Shake it off, put it back in your pants.
  7. Wash hands.
  8. Attempt to dry hands. Look to see if a blow dryer or paper towel dispenser is close by. If not, your clothes will do just fine as a towel.
  9. ** Note Steps 7 and 8 are optional, but recommended in 45 of the 50 states and in most countries. How do you know if it is recommended? If there is a sink and soap in the bathroom, you know you are in an area that recommends handwashing.

  10. Exit bathroom, do NOT look back, you didn’t forget anything.
  11. Check to see if your female companion has exited the bathroom before you, although highly unlikely, you must check anyway.
  12. Wait patiently for her return, and remember to NOT say things like, “Wow, what took you so long?”

Precepts of the Manly Man

  • The floor is considered an acceptable clothing storage location
  • Never ask me to purchase feminine products. Assume that I will come home with the wrong thing.
  • When watching TV hugging is always fine because I can still see the screen. Kissing should only be done during timeouts and commercials. Questions should also be limited to this period as you stand a much better chance of getting an immediate response.
  • When we are watching your show and I change the channels during a commercial do not hassle me that they are over to change the channel back. I always know when the timing is right. Also, when we are channel surfing do not ask me to go back, there was a good reason why I skipped it.
  • If you need help with the laundry, I am more than willing to carry it from the bedroom to the washer. In my mind this is half the chore and I am not free to return to the couch.
  • If I mention that a male friend of mine is allowed to do something it is not necessary for you to call his wife/girlfriend to discuss it.
  • If you don’t like the way I am driving close your eyes. And I would appreciate it if you would refrain from making that reverse inhaling alarmed noise. I haven’t hit anything yet and if I do it will be your fault.
  • I go clothes shopping to buy, never to look.
  • Just tell me what you want me to wear before I get dressed. And remember that this takes me less than ten minutes to matter what the occasion is. After all, I am getting dressed, not getting ready.
  • Don’t ask me if I prefer one outfit over another or if a certain accessory should be worn or not. I consider this a no win situation and would rather just
    wait for you to get dressed while watching TV.
  • If you want me to put the seat down when I am finished then you should leave the seat up when you are finished. It’s only fair. And stop giving me a hard time about missing the bowl. What do you expect from an organ that has a brain of its own.
  • I will cook anything as long as it is on the BBQ.
  • Yelling to me across the house sounds exactly like stadium crowd
    background noise to me. I am not ignoring you.

Man is Like an Automobile…

  • As it gets older, the differential starts slopping, and the U-joints get worn, causing the drive shaft to go bad.
  • The transmission won’t go into high gear and sometimes has difficulty getting out of low. Overdrive is out of the question!
  • The cylinders get worn and lost compression, making it hard to climb the slightest incline. When it is climbing the tappets clatter and ping to the point where one wonders if the old bus will make it to the top.
  • The carburetor gets fouled with pollutants and other matter, making it hard to get started in the morning. His gas fumes can kill ya!
  • It is hard to keep the radiator filled because of the leaking hose. His frame has a big bow in the middle too. The thermostat goes out, making it difficult to reach operating temperature. The headlights grow dim, and the battery needs constant recharging.
  • His shifter is stuck in the down position which is the ‘low position’ and ya can’t get anywhere that way.
  • But if the body looks good, we can keep it washed and polished, giving the impression it can compete with newer models and make one more trip down the primrose lane before the head gasket blows.

The Right And Wrong Way to Ask A Man

  • Do say: would you please take out the garbage?
    Do not say: could you get off your big butt and do something around here? What am I, the maid?
  • Do say: would you like to go out to a nice dinner Saturday night?
    Do not say: could you please take me to any restaurant that doesn’t have the words “burger”, “king”, or “happy meal” in their advertising??
  • Do say: would you mind watching the kids while I take a night off with my girlfriends?
    Do not say: could you, just for one night, watch the kids you helped spawn-that I never get a break from-ever! I haven’t seen my friends in so long we wear name tags to identify ourselves.
  • Do say: would you take me to a movie this week?
    Do not say: could you prove to me you’re not Velcroed to the couch and actually have the motor skills to take me to a motion picture? Something without Pamela Anderson in it.
  • Do say: would you like me to listen to you talk about your day some more?
    Do not say: could you step up the filibuster, Sparky? Jeopardy is on in ten minutes.
  • Do say: would you like to take a vacation?
    Do not say: could you move out?
  • Do say: would you get out of my life?
    Do not say: could you get out of my life?
  • Notice how different these two statements are.
    A man is much more likely to get out of your life if you say “would”.

What a Man Hears

What a woman says:

This place is a mess! C’mon,
You and I need to clean up,
Your stuff is lying on the floor and you’ll have no clothes to wear
if we don’t do laundry right now!

What a man hears:

blah, blah, blah, blah, C’MON
YOU AND I blah, blah, blah
blah, blah ON THE FLOOR
blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES, blah
blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW!

Why A Man Can’t Win

  • If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you are a male chauvinist.
  • If you stay home and do the housework, you are a pansy.
  • If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
  • If you don’t work enough, you are a good for nothing bum.
  • If she has a boring repetitive job woith low pay, this is exploitation.
  • If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your rear and find something better.
  • If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism.
  • If she gets a job ahead of you, it’s equal opportunity.
  • If you mention how nice she looks, it’s sexual harassment.
  • If you keep quiet, it’s male indifference.
  • If you cry, you are a wimp.
  • If you don’t, you are an insensitive bastard.
  • If you make a decision without consulting her, you are a chauvinist.
  • If she makes a decision without consulting you, she’s a liberated woman.
  • If you ask her to do something she doesn’t enjoy, that’s domination.
  • If she asks you, it’s a favor.
  • If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you are a pervert.
  • If you don’t, you are a fag.
  • If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you are a sexist.
  • If you don’t, you are unromantic.
  • If you try to keep yourself in shape, you are vain.
  • If you don’t, you are a slob.
  • If you are proud of your achievements, you are full of yourself.
  • If you don’t you are not ambitious.
  • If she has a headache, she is tired.
  • If you have a headache, you don’t love her anymore.
  • If you want it too often, you are oversexed.
  • If you don’t, there must be someone else.

Insider’s Guide to the Male Vocabulary

  • “Haven’t I seen you before?”
    “Nice butt.”
  • “I’m a Romantic.”
    “I’m poor.”
  • “I need you.”
    “My hand is tired.”
  • “I am different from all the other guys.”
    “I am not circumcised.”
  • “I want a commitment.”
    “I’m sick of playing with myself.”
  • “You’re the only girl I’ve ever cared about.”
    “You are the only girl who hasn’t rejected me.”
  • “I really want to get to know you better.”
    “So I can tell my friends about it.”
  • “It’s just orange juice, try it.”
    “3 more shots, and she’ll have her legs around my head.”
  • “She’s kinda cute.”
    “I wouldn’t kick her out of bed but a pillow over the head might be necessary.”
  • “I don’t know if I like her.”
    “She won’t sleep with me.”
  • “I miss you so much.”
    “I am so horny that my male roommate is starting to look good.”
  • “Was it good for you?”
    “I’m insecure about my manhood.”
  • “How do I compare with all your other boyfriends?”
    “Is my love tool really that small?”
  • “I had a wonderful time last night.”
    “Who the hell are you?”
  • “Do you love me?”
    “I’ve done something stupid and you might find out.”
  • “Do you ‘really’ love me?”
    “I’ve done something stupid and you’re going to find out sooner or later.”
  • “How much do you love me?”
    “I’ve done something really stupid and someone’s on their way to tell you by now.”
  • “I have something to tell you.”
    Get tested.”
  • “I’ll give you a call.”
    “I’d rather have my nipples torn off by wild dogs than see you again.”
  • “I’ve been thinking a lot.”
    “You’re not as attractive as when I was drunk.”
  • “I think we should just be friends.”
    “You’re ugly.”
  • “I’ve learned a lot from you.”

The Male Stages of Life

  • Drink17 ~ beer
    25 ~ beer
    35 ~ vodka
    48 ~ double vodka
    66 ~ Maalox
  • Seduction Line
    17 ~ My parents are away for the weekend.
    25 ~ My girlfriend is away for the weekend.
    35 ~ My fiancee is away for the weekend.
    48 ~ My wife is away for the weekend.
    66 ~ My second wife is dead.
  • Favorite Sport
    17 ~ sex
    25 ~ sex
    35 ~ sex
    48 ~ sex
    66 ~ napping
  • Definition of a Successful Date
    17 ~ “tongue”
    25 ~ “breakfast”
    35 ~ “She didn’t set back my therapy.”
    48 ~ “I didn’t have to meet her kids.”
    66 ~ “Got home alive.”
  • Favorite Fantasy
    17 ~ getting to third
    25 ~ airplane sex
    35 ~ menage a trois
    48 ~ taking the company public
    66 ~ Swiss maid/Nazi love slave
  • House Pet
    17 ~ roaches
    25 ~ stoned-out college roommate
    35 ~ Irish setter
    48 ~ children from his first marriage
    66 ~ Barbi
  • What’s The Ideal Age to get Married
    17 ~ 25
    25 ~ 35
    35 ~ 48
    48 ~ 66
    66 ~ 17
  • Ideal Date
    17 ~ Triple Stephen King feature at a drive-in
    25 ~ “Split the check before we go back to my place”
    35 ~ “Just come over.”
    48 ~ “Just come over and cook.”
    66 ~ sex in the company jet on the way to Vegas.

Pure Female Bashing

  • How many men does it take to open a beer?
    None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
  • Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
    Because a woman who can’t even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.
  • Why do women have smaller feet then men?
    So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.
  • How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
    When she starts her sentence, “A man once told me …”.
  • How do you fix a woman’s watch?
    You don’t. There is a clock on the oven.
  • Why do men pass gas more then women?
    Because women won’t shut up long enough to build up pressure.
  • If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
    The dog of course. At least he’ll shut up after you let him in.
  • All wives are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell them apart.
  • What’s worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
    A woman that won’t do what she’s told.
  • I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.
  • I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don’t like to interrupt her.
  • What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
  • Bigamy is having one wife too many. Some say monogamy is the same.
  • Scientists have discovered a food to diminish a woman’s sex drive by 90%. It is Wedding Cake.
  • Marriage is a 3 ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.
  • Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me, “What’s on the TV”.
    I said, “Dust”.
  • In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
    Then God created Man and rested.
    Then God created Woman.
    Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
  • Why do men die before their wives?
    They want to.

If Dear Abby Was A Man

  • Q: My husband to be, still pines for his old girlfriends. I’m afraid he may not be faithful.
    A: A man’s capacity to love is boundless. It has been proven to increase with the number of sexual partners. Thus, by having a few other women, your partner is really increasing his love for you. Best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don’t mention this aspect of his behavior.
  • Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.
    A: This is perfectly natural behavior — and it should be encouraged. Man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. Far from being pleasurable, a night out with the boys is a stressful affair, and to get back to you is a relief for your
    partner. Just look back at how emotional and happy the man is when he returns to his stable home. Best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal, and don’t mention this aspect of his behavior to him.
  • Q: My husband wants to experience three-in-a-bed-sex with me and my sister.
    A: Your husband is clearly devoted to you. He cannot get enough of you, so he goes for the next best thing — your sister. Far from being an issue, this will bring all of the family together. Why not get some cousins involved? If you are still apprehensive, then let him go with your relatives, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don’t mention this aspect of his behavior.
  • Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex with him.
    A: Do it. Sperm is not only great tasting, but has only 10 calories a spoonful. It is nutritious and helps you to keep your figure and gives a great glow to the skin. Interestingly, a man knows this. His offer to you to perform oral sex with him is totally selfless. Oral sex can be very embarrassing for a man. This shows he loves you. Best thing to do is to thank him, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal.
  • Q: My husband doesn’t know where my clitoris is.
    A: Many women can’t find their own clitoris so how do you expect your man to find it? Your clitoris belongs to you. If you must mess with it, do it in your own time. To help with the family budget you may wish to video tape yourself while doing this, and then sell it at the local flea market. To ease your selfish guilt, buy your man a nice expensive present, and cook him a delicious meal.
  • Q: My husband goes straight to sleep after making love — we have no time to talk.
    A: Sex is like running a marathon for a man. Afterwards he needs rest. In fact, the more he loves you, the more hard work his lovemaking is, and the more rest he needs. Stop putting pressure on him. Buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal.
  • Q: My husband’s efforts at lovemaking only last 30 seconds.
    A: Your husband loves you very much. He is so turned on by you that he cannot control himself. In fact, the shorter the ‘effort’ the more he loves you. Return this love by buying a nice, expensive present, and cooking him a nice meal.
  • Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.
    A: Foreplay is very important. If your man seems uninterested it means that you do not love your man as much as you should because he has to work so hard to get you in the mood. Reread the question about Oral Sex above for suggestions and make it up to him by buying a nice expensive present, and cooking a nice meal.
  • Q: My husband hardly ever gives me an Orgasm.
    A: The female orgasm is so intense it can happen only once a year Be patient. Don’t mention it again to him and show your love to him by buying a nice expensive present……and don’t forget to cook him a delicious meal.