Easter Story Cookies

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You will need the following ingredients:

  • 1 cup whole pecans
  • 1 teaspoon vinegar
  • 3 egg whites
  • A pinch salt
  • 1 cup sugar
  • A zipper baggie
  • A wooden spoon
  • Tape
  • Bible
  • Your children

Preheat oven to 300 F.

Place pecans in zipper baggie and let children beat them with the wooden spoon to break into small pieces. Explain that after Jesus was arrested He was beaten by the Roman soldiers.
Read John 19:1-3.

Let each child smell the vinegar. Put 1 teaspoon of vinegar into mixing bowl. Explain that when Jesus was thirsty on the cross, He was given vinegar to drink.
Read John 19:28-30.

Add egg whites to vinegar. Eggs represent life. Explain that Jesus gave His life to give us life.
Read John 10:10-11.

Sprinkle a little salt into each child’s hand. Let them taste it and brush the rest into the bowl. Explain that this represents the salty tears shed by Jesus’ followers, and the bitterness of our own sin.
Read Luke 23:27.

So far the ingredients are not very appetizing. Add 1 cup sugar. Explain that the sweetest part of the story is that Jesus died because He loves us. He wants us to know and belong to Him.
Read Psalms 34:8 and John 3:16.

Beat with a mixer on high speed for 12 to 15 minutes until stiff peaks are formed. Explain that the color white represents the purity in God’s eyes of those whose sins have been cleansed by Jesus.
Read Isaiah 1:18 and John 3:1-3.

Fold in broken nuts. Drop by teaspoons onto wax paper covered cookie sheet. Explain that each mound represents the rocky tomb where Jesus’ body was laid.
Read Matthew 27:57-60.

Put the cookie sheet in the oven, close the door and turn the oven OFF. Give each child a piece of tape and seal the oven door. Explain that Jesus’ tomb was sealed.
Read Matthew 27:65-66.

GO TO BED!
Explain that they may feel sad to leave the cookies in the oven overnight. Jesus’ followers were in despair when the tomb was sealed.
Read John 16:20 and 22.

On Easter morning, open the oven and give everyone a cookie. Notice the cracked surface and take a bite. The cookies are hollow! On the first Easter Jesus’ followers were amazed to find the tomb open and empty.
Read Matthew 28:1-9.

HE HAS RISEN!!!!

Chocolate Layer Cake 1040

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  • Line 1. Butter, a minimum of half a pound (8 oz.), but not to exceed 1 (one) pound. (See line 4.)
  • Line 2. Sugar, light brown or white, unless you or your spouse had a financial account in a foreign country in 1990, in which case dark brown sugar must be used. Do not substitute molasses or honey. Use 1 (one) cup and adjust to taste.
  • Line 3. Eggs, six or half a dozen, whichever is greater.
  • Line 4. Semisweet chocolate, 6 oz. Nonfarm families may choose the optional method of using cocoa powder. If you elect the Cocoa Method, add 1/2 oz. (One Tablespoon) of butter to each 3 tablespoons of cocoa. Multiply by .9897 per ounce of substitution. For adjustments to sugar, see pg. 29. Add total of additional butter to Line 1 (above). Sugar adjustments should be reflected in final total of Line 2. For additional details on cocoa conversion, see Form 551.
  • Line 5a. Flour, white. If you were a federal, state or local government employee, you may be eligible for an excess flour tax credit. Measure 2 cups, sifting is optional.
  • Line 5b. Flour, whole wheat, 1 2/3 cups.
  • Line 5c. Alternative mixture: 1 cup white flour plus 3/4 cup whole wheat flour.
  • Line 6. Vanilla, 1 teaspoon. See Schedule ZE for reporting use of imitation vanilla flavoring. You may be able to deduct the cost of real vanilla extract in 1991 if you itemize deductions.
  • Line 7. Salt, 1/3 teaspoon (optional). If you are a head of household with dependents and were born during a leap year, you must add salt.
  • Line 8. Baking powder, 1 1/2 teaspoons. Use of baking soda will result in a penalty. See form W-Q.Line 8a. Walnuts, 8 oz., chopped. You may be eligible to use pecans or almonds. See Part III of Schedule PE, Itemized Substitutions.
  • Line 9. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F (375 if altitude exceeds 5,500 feet). Be sure that you have turned the oven on before you begin assembling ingredients. In a bowl (2 quart capacity), cream butter and sugar for 3 minutes, or until well blended, whichever occurs first. (Note: If you are using the Nonfarm Cocoa Method [see Line 4], add additional butter and sugar at this point.)
  • Line 10. Incorporate eggs, one egg at a time, into creamed mixture. If the eggs are from a farm of which you are the sole owner, you may be eligible for a Fowl Credit. See Form 9871m “For the Birds.”
  • Line 11. Add vanilla.
  • Line 12. In a double boiler, melt chocolate at low heat. If you are using the Nonfarm Cocoa Method, disregard the preceding instruction and stir cocoa into the creamed mixture. Then stir in flour from Line 5a, 5b, or 5c, add salt (optional, but see Line 7 for exception) and baking powder.
  • Line 13. Add nuts, which should be chopped, regardless of type (See Line 8a).
  • Line 14. Pour batter into 2 (two) greased and floured 8 inch round cake pans or 1 (one) greased and floured 9×13 inch pan, which you should have prepared earlier. Bake in preheated oven (see line 9) for 40 to 50 minutes, whichever is greater. After removing cake pan(s) from oven, cool for 10 minutes (12 for 9×13 pan) and turn cake(s) out onto wire rack. When cake is completely cool, frost it. (To determine time needed for cooling, complete Worksheet on pg. 25.) See Form 873 for details on appropriate frostings.

Note: If you weigh 20 percent more (or higher) than your ideal weight (see chart on pg. 19), ignore this recipe and complete Schedule F, “Fresh Fruit Desserts.”

Why Chemists Don’t Write Cookbooks

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Chocolate Chip Cookies

Ingredients:

  1. 532.35 cm3 gluten
  2. 4.9 cm3 NaHCO3
  3. 4.9 cm3 refined halite
  4. 236.6 cm3 partially hydrogenated tallow triglyceride
  5. 177.45 cm3 crystalline C12H22O11
  6. 177.45 cm3 unrefined C12H22O11
  7. 4.9 cm3 methyl ether of protocatechuic aldehyde
  8. Two calcium carbonate-encapsulated avian albumen-coated protein
  9. 473.2 cm3 theobroma cacao
  10. 236.6 cm3 de-encapsulated legume meats (sieve size #10)

To a 2-L jacketed round reactor vessel (reactor #1) with an overall heat transfer coefficient of about 100 Btu/F-ft2-hr, add ingredients one, two and three with constant agitation.

In a second 2-L reactor vessel with a radial flow impeller operating at 100 rpm, add ingredients four, five, six, and seven until the mixture is homogeneous.

To reactor #2, add ingredient eight, followed by three equal volumes of the homogeneous mixture in reactor #1. Additionally, add ingredient nine and ten slowly, with constant agitation. Care must be taken at this point in the reaction to control any temperature rise that may be the result of an exothermic reaction.

Using a screw extrude attached to a #4 nodulizer, place the mixture piece-meal on a 316SS sheet (300 x 600 mm). Heat in a 460K oven for a period of time that is in agreement with Frank & Johnston’s first order rate expression (see JACOS, 21, 55), or until golden brown. Once the reaction is complete, place the sheet on a 25C heat-transfer table, allowing the product to come to equilibrium.

Cat Poop Cookies

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Here, by popular request (believe it or not) is the recipe for the infamous disgusting cookies that look like cats poops (rolled in grape-nuts, which makes lovely fake kitty litter.) Last warning — many of you may not want to read this!

There are two flavors-chocolate (dark brown), and gingerbread (light brown).

The author seldom measured carefully, so the amounts may need adjustment, especially on flavoring. The cookies are dense and not very sweet, this is necesssary so that they will keep their shape during baking. If you use white flour or sugar, they may be tastier but they won’t look like poopies.

Chocolate ingredients:

  • 1/2 cup honey
  • 2/3 cup (1 and 1/3 stick) butter, margarine, or lard
  • 1 egg
  • 1 tsp vanilla or peppermint extract
  • 2 cups whole wheat flour
  • 1/3 cup cocoa powder
  • Grape-Nuts(tm) cereal

Gingerbread ingredients:

  • 1/4 cup honey
  • 1/4 cup molasses
  • 2/3 cup(1 and 1/3 stick) butter or margarine, or lard
  • 1 egg
  • 2 and 1/3 cups whole wheat flour
  • spices-ginger, cinnamon, cloves to taste (maybe 1/2 tsp each)
  • Grape-Nuts(tm) cereal

Mix-ins:

  • Coconut = tapeworms
  • Chocolate chips = poop chunks!
  • Butterscotch chips = diarrhea!
  • Peanut butter chips = diarrhea!
  • Cooked spagetti or ramen noodles = roundworms
  • Corn = self explanatory!
  • Peanuts = chunks
  • M&Ms = decoration?

To Make:

Microwave the honey till it bubbles (about 1 minute). Add the butter, (I’ve been told using lard makes for a more realistic texture and softer cookie) and the molasses, if any. Add the egg, mix well, then mix in all the other stuff. Add mix-ins of your choice to some or all of the batter. Chill 1 hour in the freezer or several hours in the fridge. Roll dough logs of random length and the diameter of cat poops. Roll logs in grape-nuts and bake at 350 degrees till done (about 20 minutes, but this varies so watch them.)

Serve in a disposable cat litter box on a bed of grapenuts, with a cat litter scoop. I hear you get lovely effects by decorating the box and scoop with melted chocolate or pudding. Brown sugar might work as a substitute for the new clumping litters…

Mixing brown sugar with the grapenuts “sweetens up the cookie a bit while still looking truly hideous.”

This recipe worked especially well at the Hallowe’en party where the table was already decorated with plastic flies.

The Best Rum Cake Ever

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1 or 2 quarts rum
baking powder
1 C butter
1 tsp soda
1 tsp sugar
lemon juice
2 large eggs
brown sugar
1 C dried fruit
nuts

Before you start, sample the rum to check for quality. Good, isn’t it? Now go ahead. Select a large mixing bowl, measuring cup, etc. Check the rum again. It must be just right. To be sure rum is of the highest quality, pour one level cup of rum into a glass and drink it as fast as you can. Repeat. With an electric mixer, beat 1 cup butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1 seaspoon of thugar and beat again. Meanwhile, make sure that the rum is of the finest quality–try another cup. Open second quart, if necessary. Add 2 large leggs, 2 cups fried druit and beat till high. If druit gets stuck in beaters, just pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the rum again, checking for conscisticity. Next sift 3 cups of pepper or salt (it really doesn’t matter which). Sample the rum again. Sift 1/2 pint lemon juice. Fold in chopped butter and strained nuts. Add one babblespoon of brown thugar, or whatever color you can find. Wix mell. Grease oven and turn cake pan to 350 gredees. Now pour whole mess into the coven and ake. Check the rum again, and bo to ged.

Easy Baked Stuffed Chicken

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It is widely known that I am not the greatest cook in the world. In fact, it is very rare that I ever even really cook anything. However, I did find a recipe that even I was able to master. When I found this recipe I thought it was perfect for people, like me, who just are not sure how to tell when poultry is cooked thoroughly but not dried out. Give this a try.

BAKED STUFFED CHICKEN
  • 6-7 lb. chicken
  • 1 cup melted butter
  • 1 cup stuffing
  • 1 cup uncooked popcorn
  • salt/pepper to taste

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Brush chicken well with melted butter, salt and pepper. Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn. Place in baking pan with the neck end toward the back of the oven. Listen for popping sounds. When the chicken’s rear blows the oven door open and the chicken flies across the room, it’s done.

I just love these easy recipes!!

Signs You Chose the Wrong Airline

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  • “If there’s a mechanical engineer on board, or even someone who’s mechanically inclined, please report immediately to the cockpit.”
  • Four states and a seatmate’s life story later, you realize the plane is not on I-95 just to taxi to the runway.
  • The complimentary beverage is Zima laced with horse tranquilizer.
  • “…and a special welcome to the Association of Parents with Colicky Triplets!”
  • Relaxing music for take off is Buddy Holly’s Greatest Hits.
  • Phish Air’s complimentary bong hits are soured by overwhelming stench of patchouli oil, sweat and nine-year-old Birkenstocks.
  • The pilot for your trans-Atlantic crossing? Captain Nemo.
  • “And we’d like to welcome all our friends from the Islamic Jihad soccer team…”
  • “We only have one peanut, so just suck on it for a minute and then pass it back.”
  • During her pre-flight demonstration, the flight attendant accidentally inflates her colostomy bag.
  • “In case of a water landing, that tubby guy in seat 19F will double as a flotation device.”
  • After a flock of birds slams into your window, and an attack of vertigo, you begin to think “North By Northwest Airlines” was a bad choice.
  • “Our in-flight movie this evening will be camcorder footage from my daughter Ashley’s Little League game last night.”
  • The pre-flight safety video shows a pair of lips, an ass, and the word “Goodbye” printed in twelve different languages.

Travel Tips

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  • Be very suspicious if the advertised price of a Caribbean cruise includes the phrase “Free Ammo”.
  • Consider carefully before visiting a country where the license plate motto is Die American Pig.
  • There is no legitimate reason for a travel agent to need to know if you have experience in jungle warfare.
  • If you find yourself in Iran, do not use the word blankethead.
  • On a trip to Canada, your travel agent should not charge you for an interpreter.
  • While in the Vatican, do not refer to St. Peter as “Petey-Boy.”
  • Do not board a cruise ship if passengers are being issued oars.
  • Avoid any Latin American Tour named Bay of Pigs, Two.
  • In South America, say no to anyone wanting you to deliver a suicase of powdered sugar to their grandmother in Miami.
  • Legitimate travel agents do not dress in foreign military uniforms.

Oh, My God!

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A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, “Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax – OH MY GOD!”

Silence.

Then, the captain came back on the intercom and said, “Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my
pants!”

A passenger in Coach said, “That’s nothing. He should see the back of mine!”

New York City Traveler’s Tips

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  • The city does not employ so-called “wallet inspectors.”
  • Remember: regular hot dogs do not have fingernails.
  • Yelling at cabdrivers in English wastes your time and theirs.
  • John Gotti always has the right of way.
  • Avoid paperwork for your next of kin by keeping dental records on you.
  • Don’t lick food from a stranger’s beard.
  • It’s bad manners to lie down inside someone else’s chalk body outline.
  • Cabs driving on the sidewalk are not permitted to pick up passengers.
  • If you catch an exploding manhole cover, you can keep it.
  • If it doesn’t smell like chili, it probably isn’t.