Bin Dere

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Latest news reports advise that a cell of 4 terrorists has been operating in Detroit, Michigan. Police advised earlier today that 3 of the 4 have been detained. The Detroit Metro Police Commissioner stated that the terrorists Bin Sleepin, Bin Drinkin and Bin Fightin have been arrested on immigration issues.

The Detroit public is advised to stay calm as absolutely NO ONE fitting the description of the fourth cell member, Bin Workin, is anywhere near the area. Police are confident that anyone who looks like Workin will be very easy to spot in the community.

The police have just surrounded a department store in the center of Detroit. They’ve heard Bed Linen is on the second floor!

A Valentine For Osama

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A couple of week agos Little David comes home from first grade and tells his father that they learned about the history of Valentine’s Day.

“Since Valentine’s Day is for a Christian saint and we’re Jewish,” he asks, “will God get mad at me for giving someone a Valentine?”

David’s father thinks a bit, then says, “No, I don’t think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a Valentine to?”

“Osama Bin Laden,” David says.

“Why Osama Bin Laden?” his father asks in shock.

“Well,” David says, “I thought that if a little American Jewish boy could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we’re not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he’d love everyone a lot. And then he’d start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn’t hate anyone anymore.”

His father’s heart swells and he looks at his boy with new found pride, “David, that’s the most wonderful thing I’ve ever heard.”

“I know,” David says, “and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could blow the shit out of him.”

Game On

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September 11, 2001

Dear Taliban, Mr. Bin Laden, and Mr. Hussein, et al:

We are pleased to announce that we unequivocally accept your challenge to an old-fashioned game of whoop-ass. Now that we understand the rule that there are no rules, we look forward to playing without them for the first time. Since this game is a winner-take-all, we unfortunately are unable to invite you to join us at the victory celebration. But rest assured that We will toast you — LITERALLY. While we will admit that you are off to an Impressive lead, it is however now our turn at the plate. By the way, we will be playing on your diamond now… Batter up!

Our team line up is as follows:

  • Manager ~ George W. Bush
  • Assistant Manager ~ Dick Cheney
  • Head Coach ~ Colin Powell
  • Assistant Coach ~ Donald Rumsfeld
  • Starting Pitcher ~ Norman Schwartzkoff
  • 1st Base ~ U. S. Marine Corps
  • 2nd Base ~ U. S. Navy
  • 3rd Base ~ U.S. Air Force
  • Shortstop and clean up hitter ~ U. S. Army
  • Outfield ~ Firemen and Policemen
  • Umpire ~ None Required * Remember – the manager told you there’ll be No discussion; no negotiation!

Pinch hitters as needed ~

  • U.S. Navy SEALS
  • U.S. Army Green Berets
  • U.S. Army Rangers
  • U.S. Air Force PJs
  • Delta Force

And, since there are no rules, we’ve decided to add:

  • 4th Base ~ United Kingdom
  • 5th Base ~ Russia
  • 6th Base ~ China
  • Other Bases (as desired) ~ Pakistan, Japan, Germany, France, Spain, Italy “Turkistan and lots of other …stans” and more.

Opening Ceremonies:

  • Vocal 1: Celine Dion ~ The Star Spangled Banner
  • Vocal 2: Lee Greenwood ~ God Bless The U.S.A.
  • Vocal 3: Neil Diamond ~ Comin’ To America
  • Vocal 4: Bruce Springstein ~ Born In The U.S.A.
  • Vocal 5: The Mormon Tabernacle Choir ~ Battle Hymn of the Republic

You may choose whoever you want for your team … it won’t really matter (even if you all shave), our guys are gonna win!!!

Sincerely,

On behalf of the 270,000,000 citizens of the United States of America

P.S. May we recommend at this time that you give your soul to Allah; ‘Cause your ass is ours! Goodbye

Afghani General

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An Afghani military General walked into and a bank with six armed soldiers demanding to see the Bank Manager. The attendant saw the armed men and the angry look in the General’s face and with shaking hands pointed at the Manager’s office.

They all angrily entered the Manager’s office without knocking or talking to secretary. The Manager wanted to scream at these rude men but he saw their guns and simmered down. Then the General said to the man, “We are aware that your bank does hide money for some corrupt Arab military officials, we want their names.”

The Bank Manager replied with sweat gushing through his face, “I am sorry, Sir, but we can’t disclose our transactions with our customers.”

The General brought his revolver and pointed it at the Bank Manager and said, “No more Mr. Nice Guy. You have the count of five to talk, or I’ll blow your brains all over the office. 5.”

The Bank Manager’s legs were shaking as he replied, “I am sorry, Sir, the names of our customers are confidential.”

“4”

“I beg of you, Sir, I have a wife and three kids.”

“I want their names. 3.”

The Bank Manager had not realized he had peed his pants. “Have mercy on me.”

“The names, 2.”

“It’s against the bank’s policy, Sir, please don’t kill me,” the man cried out with tears in his eyes.

“1.”

The bank manager closed his eye to see death and when he opened his eyes he saw the General smiling and saying, “General Smith was right about the bank manager that don’t talk. Boys, send in the bags!” The other soldiers brought in bags of money for the General to put in the bank.

After they left the bank manager made a phone call, “Mr. President, we have some more Taliban funds that need to be seized. I love being known as the Bank Manager that doesn’t talk, but it is sure rough on my suits!”

Afghanistan’s Fall TV Lineup

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  • MONDAYS:
    8:00 – “Husseinfeld”
    8:30 – “Mad About Everything”
    9:00 – “Suddenly Sanctions”
    9:30 – “The Brian BinBin Laden Show”
    10:00 – “Allah McBeal”

  • TUESDAYS:
    8:00 – “Wheel of Terror and Fortune”
    8:30 – “The Price is Right If Osama Says It’s Right”
    9:00 – “Children Are Forbidden From Saying The Darndest Things”
    9:30 – “Afghanistan’s Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers”
    10:00 – “Buffy The Yankee Imperialist Dog Slayer”

  • WEDNESDAYS:
    8:00 – “U. S. Military Secrets Revealed”
    8:30 – “When Northern Alliance Attack”
    9:00 – “Two Guys, a Girl, and a Pita Bread”
    9:30 – “Just Shoot Everyone”
    10:00 – “Veilwatch”

  • THURSDAYS:
    8:00 – “Matima Loves Chachi”
    8:30 – “M*U*S*T*A*S*H”
    9:00 – “Veronica’s Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses and Veils”
    9:30 – “My Two Baghdads”
    10:00 – “Diagnosis: Heresy”

  • FRIDAYS:
    8:00 – “Judge Laden”
    8:30 – “Funniest Super-8 Home Movies”
    9:00 – “Achmed’s Creek”
    10:00 – “No-witness News”

The Number 11

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The date of the attack: 9/11 – 9 + 1 + 1 = 11
September 11th is the 254th day of the year: 2 + 5 + 4 = 11
After September 11th there are 111 days left to the end of the year.
119 is the area code to Iraq/Iran. 1 + 1 + 9 = 11
Twin Towers – standing side by side, looks like the number 11
The first plane to hit the towers was Flight 11
State of New York – The 11th State added to the Union
New York City – 11 Letters
Afghanistan – 11 Letters
The Pentagon – 11 Letters
Ramzi Yousef – 11 Letters (convicted or orchestrating the attack at the WTC in 1993)
Flight 11 – 92 on board – 9 + 2 = 11
Flight 77 – 65 on board – 6 + 5 = 11

Now, this guy named Dave took all of this, and came up with the following response:

  • Oh my God! How worried should I be? There are 11 letters in the name “David Pawson!” I’m going into hiding NOW. See you in a few weeks.
  • Wait a sec … just realized “YOU CAN’T HIDE” also has 11 letters! What am I gonna do? Help me!!! The terrorists are after me! ME! I can’t believe it!
  • Oh crap, there must be someplace on the planet Earth I could hide! But no …”PLANET EARTH” has 11 letters, too!
  • Maybe Nostradamus can help me. But dare I trust him? There are 11 letters in “NOSTRADAMUS.”
  • I know, the Red Cross can help. No they can’t… 11 letters in “THE RED CROSS,” can’t trust them.
  • I would rely on self defense, but “SELF DEFENSE” has 11 letters in it, too! Can someone help?
  • Anyone? If so, send me email. No, don’t… “SEND ME EMAIL” has 11 letters….
  • Will this never end? I’m going insane! “GOING INSANE???” Eleven letters!!
  • Nooooooooooo!!!!!! I guess I’ll die alone, even though “I’LL DIE ALONE” has 11 letters…..
  • Oh my God, I just realized that America is doomed! Our Independence Day is July 4th … 7/4 … 7+4=11!
  • PS. “IT’S BULLSHIT” has 11 letters also.

Kitty Litter Cake

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Kitty Litter Cake

  • 1 Spice or German Chocolate Cake Mix
  • 1 White Cake Mix
  • 1 Pkg White Sandwich Cookies
  • 1 Large pkg Vanilla Instant Pudding Mix
  • Green food coloring
  • 12 Small Tootsie Rolls
  • 1 *NEW* kitty litter box
  • 1 *NEW* kitty litter box plastic liner
  • 1 *NEW* pooper scooper

Prepare cake mixes and bake according to directions (any size pans). Prepare pudding mix and chill until ready to assemble.

Crumble white sandwich cookies in small batches in blender, they tend to stick, so scrape often. Set aside all but about 1/4 cup.

To the 1/4 cup cookie crumbs, add a few drops green food coloring and mix using a fork or shake in a jar.

When cakes are cooled to room temperature, crumble into a large bowl. Toss
with half the remaining white cookie crumbs and the chilled pudding. You probably won’t need all of the pudding, mix with the cake and “feel” it, you don’t want it soggy, just moist; gently combine.

Line new, clean kitty litter box. Put mixture into litter box.

Put three unwrapped Tootsie rolls in a microwave safe dish and heat until soft and pliable. Shape ends so they are no longer blunt, curving slightly. Repeat with 3 more Tootsie rolls and bury in mixture. Sprinkle the other half of cookie crumbs over top. Scatter the green cookie crumbs lightly over the top, this is supposed to look like the chlorophyll in kitty litter.

Heat remaining Tootsie Rolls, 3 at a time in the microwave until almost melted.

Scrape them on top of the cake and sprinkle with cookie crumbs. This is my addition–only: spread 5 of the remaining Tootsie Rolls over the top; take one and heat until pliable, hang it over the side of the kitty litter box; sprinkling it lightly with cookie crumbs.

Place the box on a newspaper and sprinkle a few of the cookie crumbs around.

Serve with a *new* pooper scooper.

Original Chef: Unknown…but someone with a great sense of humor!

How to Cook a Turkey

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aka Thanksgiving Turkey for Dummies

  • Step 1 :
    Go buy a turkey

  • Step 2 :
    Take a drink of whiskey

  • Step 3 :
    Put turkey in the oven

  • Step 4 :
    Take another two drinks of whiskey

  • Step 5 :
    Set the degree at 375 ovens

  • Step 6 :
    Take three more whiskeys of drink

  • Step 7 :
    Turn oven the on

  • Step 8 :
    Take four whisks of drinkey

  • Step 9 :
    Turk the bastey

  • Step 10 :
    Whiskey another bottle of get

  • Step 11 :
    Stick a turkey in the thermometer

  • Step 12 :
    Glass yourself another pour of whiskey

  • Step 13 :
    Bake the whiskey for four hours

  • Step 14 :
    Take the oven out of the turkey

  • Step 15 :
    Take the oven out of the turkey

  • Step 16 :
    Floor the turkey up off of the pick

  • Step 17 :
    Turk the carvey

  • Step 18 :
    Get yourself another scottle of botch

  • Step 19 :
    Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey

  • Step 20 :
    Bless the saying, pass and eat out

Fruitcake Recipe

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  • 1 cup water
  • 1 cup sugar
  • 4 large eggs
  • 2 cups dried fruit
  • 1 teaspoon baking soda
  • 1 teaspoon salt
  • 1 cup brown sugar
  • lemon juice
  • nuts
  • 1 gallon whiskey

Sample the whiskey to check for quality. Take a large bowl. Check the whiskey again to be sure it is of the highest quality. Pour one level cup and drink.

Repeat.

Turn on the electric mixer; beat 1 cup butter in a large, fluffy bowl. Add 1 teaspoon sugar and beat again. Make sure the whiskey is still OK. Cry another cup.

Turn off mixer. Break 2 legs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity.

Next, sift 2 cups of salt. Or something. Who cares?

Check the whiskey.

Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find. Grease the oven.

Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don’t forget to beat off the turner.

Throw the bowl out of the window.

Check the whiskey again.

Go to bed.

Who the hell likes fruitcake anyway?

Elephant Stew

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2 Rabbits (Optional)
1 Elephant, Medium Size
Salt and Pepper to taste
Brown Gravy

Cut elephant into small bite-sized pieces. This should take about two months. Add enough brown gravy to cover. Cook over kerosene fire for about four weeks at 465 degrees.

This will serve 3800 people. If more are expected, two rabbits may be added, but do this only if necessary as some people do not like to find a hare in their stew.