- You say “the city” and expect everyone to know that this means Manhattan.
- You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State Building.
- The subway makes sense to you, and the subway should never be called anything like the Metro.
- You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multilingual.
- Your door has more than three locks and is made of steel.
- You think Central Park is “nature.”
- You pay more each month to park your car than most people in the US pay on their mortgage.
- You haven’t seen more than 12 stars in the night sky since you went away to camp as a kid.
- You pay $5 without blinking for a beer that cost the bar 28 cents.
- You have 27 different take-out menus next to your telephone.
- Going to Brooklyn is considered a “road trip.” Of course, you only go there to attend weddings or funerals.
- America west of the Hudson is still theoretical to you.
- You have jaywalking down to an art form. You’re born with it.
- You take a taxi to get to your health club to exercise.
- You don’t hear sirens anymore.
- You live in a building with a larger population than most American towns.
- Your doorman is Russian, your grocer is Korean, your deli man is Israeli, your building super is Italian, your laundry guy is Chinese, your favorite bartender is Irish, your favorite diner owner is Greek, the watch-seller on your corner is Senegalese, your last cabbie was Pakistani, your newsstand guy is Indian, your favorite falafel guy is Egyptian, and your neighbor is Swedish…
- Fake Rolex salesmen must offer fake warranty information.
- New rule for cabbies: driving naps should not exceed 12 minutes.
- Only 7 Starbucks per block are allowed.
- Get the rats out of subway and putting them back in the restaurants where they belong.
- Change meaning of middle finger gesture to: “lookin’ good, neighbor.”
- Shine Bat Signal into night sky; when Batman shows up, hand him a broom and a pooper scooper.
- All drive-by gunmen must carpool. (Wait, isn’t this one for LA?)
- If Yankees win the World Series again, they can clean up the ticker tape themselves.
- Forming task force to get Clinton to move to New Jersey.
- Selling sex on street corners after 2 AM is now prohibited.
- Women’s Rights Groups have won a court action to rename the famous street “Broadway” to “His and Her Way.”
- Grant’s Tomb only had 22 visitors last year, so the city has licensed it to a Kosher Sushi Bar franchise.
- The city does not employ so-called “wallet inspectors.”
- Remember: regular hot dogs do not have fingernails.
- Yelling at cabdrivers in English wastes your time and theirs.
- John Gotti always has the right of way.
- Avoid paperwork for your next of kin by keeping dental records on you.
- Don’t lick food from a stranger’s beard.
- It’s bad manners to lie down inside someone else’s chalk body outline.
- Cabs driving on the sidewalk are not permitted to pick up passengers.
- If you catch an exploding manhole cover, you can keep it.
- If it doesn’t smell like chili, it probably isn’t.
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