# Oh, My God!

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, “Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax – OH MY GOD!”

Silence.

Then, the captain came back on the intercom and said, “Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my
pants!”

A passenger in Coach said, “That’s nothing. He should see the back of mine!”

# Air Farce

Here are some (supposedly) actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews:

• Problem: “Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.”
Solution: “Almost replaced left inside main tire.”
• Problem: “Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.”
Solution: “Autoland not installed on this aircraft.”
• Problem: “No. 2 Propeller seeping prop fluid.”
Solution: “No. 2 Propeller seepage normal.”
Solution: “No. 1, No. 3, and No. 4 Propellers lack normal seepage.”
• Problem: “Something loose in cockpit.”
Solution: “Something tightened in cockpit.”
• Problem: “Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear.”
Solution: “Evidence removed.”
• Problem: “Dead bugs on windshield.”
Solution: “Live bugs on order.”
• Problem: “Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent.”
Solution: “Cannot reproduce problem on ground.”
• Problem: “IFF inoperative.”
Solution: “IFF inoperative in OFF mode.”
• Problem: “Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.”
Solution: “That’s what they’re there for.”
• Problem: “Number three engine missing.”
Solution: “Engine found on right wing after brief search.”