New Jersey’s TrafficLand

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Sung to the tune of “Winter Wonderland”

Driver’s swear ….. are you listenin’,
At the Mall …..folks are bitchin’,
A miserable sight ….. they’re sorry tonite,
Drivin’ in New Jersey’s TrafficLand!

Gone away …… are your tires,
meter has …… just expired,
They towed you away, while you shopped today,
Parkin’ in New Jersey’s TrafficLand!

On the Parkway we will have a breakdown,
We’ll be stuck and threathened on the side,
If we’re lucky, muggers might come mug us,
And if we plead they may give us a ride!

Santa’s sleigh ….. was impounded,
All the Elves …… were surrounded,
He’s now in a cell …. for ringin’ his bell,
Living in New Jersey’s TrafficLand!

Accident Excuses

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  • My truck was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle.
  • I hit a stationary truck that was coming from another direction.
  • Coming home, I drove into the wrong yard, and collided with a tree I don’t have.
  • The telephone pole was approaching fast. I attempted to swerve out of its path when it hit me.
  • In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
  • The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
  • An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my truck and vanished.
  • I had been driving my truck for 40 years when I fell asleep and had an accident.
  • The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go–so I ran over him.
  • I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my Mother-in-law, and headed over the embankment.
  • I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it.
  • The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.
  • A truck backed through my windshield into my wife’s face.
  • I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.
  • A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

The Race

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In Florida there was a swimming contest. The contestants were a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde.

The second race was the Breast Stroke. The order of finish was: The brunette came in first, the redhead second… But wait… where was the blonde??? She was still racing!

When she got to the finish line, she said, “THEY CHEATED!!”

The Judge said “how??”

The dumb blonde screamed, “THEY USED THEIR ARMS!”

She’s so Blonde That…

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  • she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said “concentrate”
  • she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind
  • she told me to meet her at the corner of “WALK” and “DON’T WALK”
  • she sent me a fax with a stamp on it
  • she thought a quarterback was a refund
  • if you gave her a penny for intelligence, you’d get change back
  • they had to burn the school down to get her out of third grade
  • under “education” on her job application, she put “Hooked On Phonics”
  • she tripped over a cordless phone
  • at the bottom of the application where it says “Sign here” she put “Sagittarius”
  • it takes her two hours to watch 60 Minutes
  • if she spoke her mind, she’d probably be speechless
  • she studied for a blood test-and failed
  • she thought Boyz II Men was a daycare center
  • she sold the car for gas money
  • when she saw the “NC-17” (under 17 not admitted), she went home and got 16 friends
  • when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved
  • she thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican Phone Company
  • when she was on the highway going to the airport and saw a sign that said “Airport Left”, she turned around and went home.

Ride ‘Em, Cowgirl

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A blonde from California decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.

In terror, she grabs for the horse’s mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse’s neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety.

Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, she is now at the mercy of the horse’s pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune … the Supermarket manager sees her and shuts the horse off.

Petishun

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We blonds at the ofise are tired of all the the dum stoopid jokes about us. We think this is hairassment. It causes us grate stress and makes our roots turn dark. We have hired a loyer and he is talking to the loyers at Clairol. We will take this all the way to the supream cort if we have two. Juj Thomas knos all about hairassment and he will be on are side.

We have also talked to the govner to make a new law to stop this pursicushun. We want a law that makes peepol tell brewnet jokes as much as blond jokes and every so often a red head joke. If we don’t get our way we will not date anybody that ain’t blond and we will make up jokes about you and we will laff.

Sined by the blonds at the ofise

XOXOXOXO
OXOXOXOX
XOXOXOXO
OXOXOXOX

(sined with a pensul so you can erace it if you make a mistake)

Name Two of Santa’s Reindeer

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On a famous TV game show a blonde contestant needed only to answer one more question. One simple question stood between her and ONE MILLION DOLLARS!

“To be today’s champion,” the show’s smiling host intoned, “name two of Santa’s reindeer.”

The contestant, gave a sigh of relief, gratified that she had drawn such an easy question.

“Rudolph!” she said confidently, “and, …Olive!”

The studio audience started to applaud (as the little sign above their heads said to do) but the clapping quickly faded into mumbling, and the confused host replied, “Yes, we’ll accept Rudolph, but could you please explain… ‘Olive?!?'”

“You know,” the woman circled her hand forward impatiently and began to sing, “Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer – had a very shiny nose. And if you ever saw it, you would even say it glowed. *Olive,* the other reindeer…”

The Odometer

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A blonde tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had 250,000 miles on it. One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with at a salon. The brunette told her, “There is a possibility you can make the car easier to sell, but it’s not legal.”

“That doesn’t matter,” replied the blonde, “if I only can sell the car.”

“Okay,” said the brunette. “Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to sell your car anymore.”

The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic. About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, “Did you sell your car?”

“No,” replied the blonde, “why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it.”

New Chainsaw

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A fellow (blond) is looking to buy a saw to cut down some trees in his back yard. He goes to a chainsaw shop and asks about various chainsaws. The dealer tells him, “Look, I have a lot of models, but why don’t you save yourself a lot of time and aggravation and get the top-of-the-line model. This chainsaw will cut a hundred cords of wood for you in one day.”

So, the man takes the chainsaw home and begins working on the trees. After cutting for several hours and only cutting two cords, he decides to quit. He thinks there is something wrong with the chainsaw. “How can I cut for hours and only cut two cords?” the man asks himself. “I will begin first thing in the morning and cut all day,” the man tells himself. So, the next morning the man gets up at 4 am in the morning and cuts and cuts, and cuts till nightfall, and still he only manages to cut five cords.

The man is convinced this is a bad saw. “The dealer told me it would cut one hundred cords of wood in a day, no problem. I will take this saw back to the dealer,” the man says to himself.

The very next day the man brings the saw back to the dealer and explains the problem. The dealer, baffled by the man’s claim, removes the chainsaw from the case. The dealer says, “Hmm, it looks fine.”

Then the dealer starts the chainsaw, to which the man responds, “What’s that noise?”

Let Me Win the Lotto!

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A blonde woman named Brandi finds herself in dire trouble. Her business has gone bust, and she’s in a serious financial mess. She’s so desperate that she decides to ask God for help.

She begins to pray, “God, please help me…I’ve lost my business and I’m going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto…”

Lotto night comes, and she is devastated when someone else wins it.

Brandi prays again…”God, please let me win the lotto! I’ve lost my business, my house, and I’m going to lose my car as well…”

Lotto night comes, and Brandi still has absolutely no luck.

Once again, she prays. “My God, why have you forsaken me?! I’ve lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are very hungry. I don’t often ask for you to help, and I am a constant good servant for you…PLEASE just let me win the lotto this ONE time so I can get my life back in order…”

Suddenly, there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Brandi is confronted by the voice of God Himself…

“Work with me here, Brandi. Buy a ticket!”