New Jersey’s TrafficLand

Sung to the tune of “Winter Wonderland”

Driver’s swear ….. are you listenin’,
At the Mall …..folks are bitchin’,
A miserable sight ….. they’re sorry tonite,
Drivin’ in New Jersey’s TrafficLand!

Gone away …… are your tires,
meter has …… just expired,
They towed you away, while you shopped today,
Parkin’ in New Jersey’s TrafficLand!

On the Parkway we will have a breakdown,
We’ll be stuck and threathened on the side,
If we’re lucky, muggers might come mug us,
And if we plead they may give us a ride!

Santa’s sleigh ….. was impounded,
All the Elves …… were surrounded,
He’s now in a cell …. for ringin’ his bell,
Living in New Jersey’s TrafficLand!

Application to Live in New Jersey

Name: _____________________________

Nickname: _____________________________

Address: _____________________________

Exit # (NJ Turnpike): _______

Exit # (Garden State Parkway): _______

  1. Ethnic Background:
    ___Italian
    ___Sicilian
    ___Jewish
    ___Italian
    ___Italian
  2. Backyard Smells Like:
    ___Sewage
    ___Sulfur
    ___Garbage
    ___All 3
  3. # of Muscle Shirts Owned:
    ___5-10
    ___10-15
    ___15-20
    ___20 and above
  4. # of Bon Jovi Tour Shirts Owned:
    ___5-10
    ___10-15
    ___15-20
    ___20 and above
  5. # of Bon Jovi Shirts That are Also Muscle Shirts:
    ___5-10
    ___10-15
    ___15-20
    ___20 and above
  6. Brand of Jeans Preferred:
    ___Sergio Valente
    ___Jordache
    ___Sassoon
    ___Z.Cavaricci
  7. Percentage of Wardrobe Which is Skintight:
    ___100%
    ___95-100%
    ___90-95%
    ___85-90%
  8. # of Gold Chains Owned:
    ___10-15
    ___15-20
    ___20-25
    ___25 and above
  9. # of Gold Chains Worn at One Time:
    ___5-10
    ___10-15
    ___15-20
    ___20 and above
  10. Approximate Value of ALL jewelry:
    ___$5-$25
    ___$25-$50
    ___$50-$100
    ___Stolen
  11. Number of Applications of Obsession/Polo/Drakar Before Going Out:
    ___10-15
    ___15-25
    ___25 and above
  12. Gold Cap on at Least One Tooth?
    ___Yes
    ___No
  13. Hair Height (must be completed by applicants seeking residency in Edgewater or Bayonne)
    ___6-8 inches
    ___8-12 inches
    ___1-2 feet
    ___More than 2 feet
  14. Hair Products Used:
    ___Hair Spray
    ___Extra-Hold Lacquer
    ___Styling Gel
    ___Mousse
    ___Extra
  15. Hold Styling Gel:
    ___Bondo
    ___Spackle
    ___40 Weight Oil
    ___Krazy Glue
  16. Automobile Owned:
    ___IROC Z
    ___Firebird
    ___Camaro
    ___Mustang
    ___Thunderbird
  17. Number of Inches Car is Off the Ground:
    ___6-8 inches
    ___4-6 inches
    ___2-4 inches
    ___Under 2 inches
  18. Car Paraphernalia:
    ___Gold chain around license plate
    ___Neon lights around license plate
    ___Neon lights under car
    ___Chippendales/Playboy air freshener hanging on rear view mirror
    ___Garter hanging from rear view mirror
    ___Chrome hubcaps
    ___Stick-on window tinting
    ___Stick-on paint splash stickers
    ___Fuzzy dice tattoo
    ___Crown deodorizer on dash or in rear window
  19. Favorite Sports Team:
    ___Fuckin’ Giants
    ___Fuckin’ Jets
    ___Fuckin’ Mets
    ___Fuckin’ Yankees
    ___Fuckin’ Nets
    ___Fuckin’ Knicks
    ___Fuckin’ Devils
    ___Fuckin’ Rangers
    ___Fuckin’ Islanders
  20. Favorite Music:
    ___Techno
    ___Bon Jovi
    ___Bruce Springsteen
  21. Favorite Actor/Actress:
    ___Joe Pesci
    ___Robert DeNiro
    ___Al Pacino
    ___Marisa Tomei
    ___Annette Funicello
    ___Anna Magnani
  22. Favorite Movie:
    ___The Godfather
    ___The Godfather Part II
    ___The Godfather Part III
    ___Goodfellas
    ___My Cousin Vinnie
  23. Favorite Profanity (proceeded by YO!):
    ___Motherfucker
    ___Cocksucker
    ___Jerkoff
    ___Scumbag
    ___Douche Bag
  24. # of Religious Statutes at Grandparents House:
    ___5-10
    ___10-15
    ___15-20
    ___20 and above
  25. Relatives Named “Sal”:
    ___5-10
    ___10-15
    ___15-20
    ___20 and above
  26. Favorite International Destination:
    ___Belmar
    ___Seaside Heights
    ___Point Pleasant
    ___Bayonne
    ___Great Adventure
    ___Secaucus
  27. Favorite Driving Technique
    ___Tailgating
    ___Attacking stop signs
    ___Doing 106 mph on the right shoulder of the parkway
    ___Giving the finger to slow, elderly drivers (non-related)
    ___Giving the finger to slow, elderly drivers (own grandparents)