- Not only is she a little young, but you’re sure that you used to date her mother.
- You find out her real name is Vinnie, and you used to play little league with her.
- She has a thicker mustache than you.
- When you go to pick her up, her lawyer meets you at the door with a contract describing your duties and restrictions. You jokingly ask her if she wants to go down to Atlantic City and get married. She then informs you that leaving the state is a violation of her parole.
- Her bra and panties are wired to an alarm system.
- You walk away from her front door with the roses you got her shoved up your ass.
- You are the first guy that she’s gone out with that isn’t her cousin.
- At the end of the night she gives you a coupon that is good for a free shot of penicillin at the nearest clinic.
- She beats the shit out of some guy for making fun of your hair cut.
- You wake up the next morning with a wicked hangover. In the bed next to you is Janet Reno.
- At the end of the night, you drop her off at her house and her pimp is waiting there with your bill.
- You wake up to find your loins covered with purple and green spots, with an intense itching in your left thigh.
- She keeps staring at you all through dinner, then finally asks if you want to meet Satan.
- She is better hung than you.
- She informs you that you can’t go out again because her boyfriend doesn’t like you.
Signs You Are On a Bad Date
- Girls you know you’re on a bad date when:
- You order a Double Whopper and he says, “Hey, my name ain’t Rockefeller, honey.”
- You’ve never heard someone speak with such passion about an ant farm.
- He seems to know an awful lot about your shower routine.
- Your dinner reservations are under “Loser, party of 2”
- He’s especially proud of how long he can sustain a burp.
- He calls to tell you he’ll pick you up, just as soon as the stand off with the police is over.
- He’s been on Geraldo once and Jerry Springer, twice.
- Guys you know you’re on a bad date when:
- She whispers to the waiter, “Please kill me.”
- All she talks about is how great it is working for Heidi Fleiss.
- You catch her giving her phone number to the guy cleaning your windshield.
- She lunges at you several times with a steak knife.
- She keeps calling you “Bachelor Number Two”.
- “Whoa! Is it 8:15 already?”
- She transitions the conversation by saying “I’ve said enough about me. What do you think about me?”
Cards to Send When the Relationship Goes Bad
- You were meant for me, perhaps as a punishment.
- When I met you, I thought about becoming a Satanist, but then I decided that worshipping you could give you the wrong idea about our relationship.
- I know how to push all my wife’s buttons…now if I could only find the one marked OFF!
- I must admit, you brought religion in my life. I never believed in hell ’til I met you.
- Looking back over the years that we’ve been together, I can’t help but wonder: what the F@!% was I thinking?
- As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you’re not here to ruin it for me.
- They say that an attractive human body is worth a million dollars. Looks like someone robbed your ugly ass.
- When we were together, you always said you’d die for me. Now that we’ve broke up, I think it’s time you kept your promise.
- I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend. So here’s his leash, water bowl and chew toys.
- I’m so miserable without you, it’s almost like you’re here.
- When we first met I was anti-abortion. I’ve changed my mind.
A Bachelor’s Kitchen Guide
- Freezer Foods:
- Ice Cream
- If you can’t tell the difference between your ice cubes and your ice cream, it’s time to throw BOTH out.
- Frozen Foods
- Frozen foods that have become an integral part of the defrosting problem in your freezer compartment will probably be spoiled (or wrecked anyway) by the time you pry them out with a kitchen knife.
- Ice Cream
- In the Fridge:
- Eggs
- When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is probably past its prime.
- Dairy Products
- Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yoghurt. Yoghurt is spoiled when it starts to look like cottage cheese. Cottage cheese is spoiled when it starts to look like regular cheese. Regular cheese is nothing but spoiled milk anyway – if you can dig down and still find something non-green, bon apetit!
- Meat
- If opening the refrigerator door causes stray animals from a three-block radius to congregate outside your house, toss the meat.
- Unmarked Items
- You know it is well beyond prime when you’re tempted to discard the Tupperware along with the food.
- General Rule of Thumb
- Most food cannot be kept longer than the average life span of a hamster. Keep a hamster in your refrigerator to gauge this.
- Eggs
- On the Shelf:
- Canned Goods
- Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a softball should be disposed of… Very carefully.
- Potatoes
- Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches, or dense, leafy undergrowth.
- The Gag Test
- Anything that makes you gag is spoiled (except for leftovers from what you cooked for yourself last night).
- Bread
- Sesame seeds and Poppy seeds are the only officially acceptable “spots” that should be seen on the surface of any loaf of bread. Fuzzy and hairy looking white or green growth areas are good indications that your bread has turned into a pharmaceutical laboratory experiment. You may wish to discard it at this time, depending on your interest in pharmaceuticals.
- Cereal
- It is generally a good rule of thumb that cereal should be discarded when it is two years or longer beyond the expiration date, or when it will no longer fall out of the box by itself.
- Flour
- Flour is spoiled when it wiggles, or things fly out when you open it.
- Pretzels
- Normally eternal, pretzels may be discarded if they can no longer be picked up without falling apart. Otherwise, there’s nothing to stop you from eating a pretzel that the Pharaoh put down only 4000 years ago.
- Raisins
- Raisins should not usually be harder than your teeth.
- Salt
- It never spoils. However, if you can’t chip off reasonable amounts from the block, maybe another box is in order, as fresh salt usually pours.
- Spices
- Most spices cannot die, they just fade away. They will be fine on your shelf, forever. Put them in your will.
- Vinegar
- If your grandmother made it, it is probably still good.
- Canned Goods
- Expiration Dates:
- This is not a marketing ploy to encourage you to throw away perfectly good food so that you’ll spend more on groceries. Even dry foods older than you are may be ready to replace. Perhaps you’d benefit by having a calendar in your kitchen.
The Bachelor Commandments
- Thou shalt always fool around on your girlfriend (that way when she dumps you you can always get the last laugh).
- Thou shalt not hose thy girlfriend’s friends unless you’re sure you can get away with it AND you do it in her bed.
- Thou shalt never spend more than $100 without first getting in her pants.
- Thou shalt never marry the first girl you hose after getting out of a “slump”.
- Thou shalt never admit to being in a slump, it is always a “lull”.
- Thou shalt always have beer in the fridge.
- Thou shalt always blow off your girlfriend at least once a month to get drunk with your buddies.
- Thou shalt always forget to call when performing the previous commandment.
- Thou shalt never admit to “hogging,” it is always “a temporary alcohol induced standards derating”.
- Thou shalt never go on a blind date with someone described as having “a good personality”.
- Thou shalt never turn down steady pussy until it violates number four or number ten.
- Thou shalt never eat anything high in fiber or low in cholesterol.
- Thou shalt never drink non-alcoholic beer.
- Thou shalt never covet thy neighbor’s wife unless she covets back.
- Thou shalt always leave the seat up.
A Woman’s Little Instruction Book
- If you think the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach you’re aiming too high.
- Women don’t make fools of men — most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
- The best reason to divorce a man is a health reason: you’re sick of him.
- Never trust a man who says he’s the boss at home. He probably lies about other things too.
- A woman’s work that is never done is the stuff she asked her husband to do.
- If you want a nice man go for a bald one — they try harder.
- Go for younger men. You might as well — they never mature anyway.
- A man who can dress himself without looking like Forrest Gump is unquestionably gay.
- Men are all the same — they just have different faces so you can tell them apart.
- Definition of a man with manners — he gets out of the bath to pee.
- Whenever you meet a man who would make a good husband, you will usually find that he does.
- Scientists have just discovered something that can do the work of five men — a woman.
- There are a lot of words you can use to describe men — strong, caring, loving — they’d be wrong but you can still use them.
- Men are like animals — messy, insensitive and potentially violent, but they make great pets.
- Men’s brains are like the prison system — not enough cells per man.
- There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men – “don’t” and “stop” (unless they’re used together).
- Husbands are like children — they’re fine if they’re someone else’s.
- If a man appears sexy, caring and smart give him a day and he will be back to his usual self.
- All men are like chickens with their heads cut off when they see beautiful women pass by.
- If your man appears happy, excited and keeps looking at you all of a sudden he is probably checking out the women behind you.
- Figuring out men is like trying to make a jigsaw puzzle in a car. Once you think you have it all put together, you find another piece but you don’t know where it goes.
ATM Behavior
- HIM:
- Pull up to ATM.
- Insert card.
- Enter PIN number and account.
- Take cash, card and receipt.
- HER:
- Pull up to ATM.
- Check makeup in rear view mirror.
- Shut off engine.
- Put keys in purse.
- Get out of car because you’re too far from machine.
- Hunt for card in purse.
- Insert card.
- Hunt in purse for tampon wrapper with PIN number written on it.
- Enter PIN number.
- Study instructions for at least 2 minutes.
- Hit “cancel”
- Re-enter correct PIN number.
- Hit “cancel.”
- Call husband/boyfriend to get correct PIN number.
- Check balance.
- Look for envelope.
- Look in purse for pen.
- Make out deposit slip.
- Endorse checks.
- Make deposit.
- Study instructions.
- Make cash withdrawal.
- Get in car.
- Check makeup.
- Look for keys.
- Start car.
- Check makeup.
- Start pulling away.
- STOP.
- Back up to machine.
- Get out of car.
- Take card and receipt.
- Get back in car.
- Put card in wallet.
- Put receipt in checkbook.
- Enter deposits and withdrawals in checkbook.
- Clear area in purse for wallet and checkbook.
- Check makeup.
- Put car in gear, reverse.
- Put car in drive.
- Drive away from machine.
- Travel 3 miles.
- Release parking brake.
And What Do You Want?
A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, “Honey, I know we’ve been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce.”
The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph.
She then says, “I don’t want you to try to talk me out of it, because I’ve been having an affair with your best friend, and he’s a better lover than you.”
Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as his anger increases.
She says, “I want the house.” Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph.
She says, “I want the kids, too.” The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, now he’s up to 80 mph.
She says, “I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards, too.” The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, “Is there anything you want?”
The husband says, “No, I’ve got everything I need.”
She asks, “What’s that?”
The husband smiles and replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph, “I’ve got the airbag!”
And How Did You Die?
It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a real bummer of a day when you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day.
The next day at 12:01 pm, the first person came to the gates of Heaven. The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly said to the man, “Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died.”
“No problem,” the man said. “I came home to my 25th floor apartment on my lunch hour and caught my wife half naked. She appeared to be having an affair, but her lover was nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for him. My wife was yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment.
“Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy! Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But wouldn’t you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn’t die. This ticked me off even more. In a rage, I went back inside to get the first thing I could get my hands on to throw at him. Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony, and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him! The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly.”
The Angel sat back and thought a moment. Technically, the guy did have a bad day. It was a crime of passion. So, the Angel announced, “OK, sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven,” and let him in.
A few seconds later the next guy came up. The Angel said, “Before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like when you died.” “No problem,” said the second man. “But you’re not going to believe this. I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. I had been under a lot of pressure so I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over the side! Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine. But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, starts cussing, and stomps on my fingers. Well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom which broke my fall so I didn’t die right away. As I’m laying there face up on the ground, unable to move, and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push his REFRIGERATOR, of all things, off the balcony. It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me instantly.”
The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story. “I could get used to this new policy,” he thinks to himself. “Very well,” the Angel announces. “Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven,” and he lets the man enter.
A few seconds later, a third man comes up to the gate. The angel says, “Please tell me how you died.”
The third man says, “OK, picture this. I’m naked, hiding inside a refrigerator…”
All About Men
- The nice men are ugly.
- The handsome men are not nice.
- The handsome and nice men are gay.
- The handsome, nice and heterosexual men are married.
- The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men, have no money.
- The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men with money think we are only after their money.
- The handsome men without money are after our money.
- The handsome men, who are not so nice and somewhat heterosexual, don’t think we are beautiful enough.
- The men who think we are beautiful, that are heterosexual, somewhat nice and have money, are cowards.
- The men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice and have some money and thank, heaven, are heterosexual, are shy and NEVER MAKE THE FIRST MOVE!!!!
- The men who never make the first move, automatically lose interest in us when we take the initiative.
NOW … WHO IN THE HELL UNDERSTANDS MEN?